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Lesbianing with AE! This week: Mixed signals in Sex and Relationships

Today on Lesbianing with AE! writer Lindsey Danis helps you decider mixed signals from your best friend, your lover, and basically every other lesbian in your life.

 

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A while ago my girlfriend mentioned that she wanted to try strap-on sex, so we went out and bought a dildo and harness. We’re in a long distance relationship, and so we don’t get to have sex unless we’re visiting – but we do a lot of flirting, sexting and so on. My girlfriend has sent sexts of her wearing the harness and dildo and we’ve talked about using it a few times during our phone and text chats. The most recent time we talked about it on the phone, I started masturbating while she was fantasizing about how hard she would fuck me – I came, it was really hot, and it’s ignited a fire in me to actually use this toy rather than keep talking about it.

Yet when we are actually in the same place and we could make it happen, she either doesn’t want to use it or she doesn’t have it. Literally, she claims she “forgot to pack it” the last time she came to see me, even though I reminded her to take it, and when I’ve gone to see her, she claimed she was only in the mood to do oral one time and another time said she wanted us to touch one another at the same time. I did manage to get her into the dildo and harness once when she was drunk, but we didn’t actually have sex (long story). What is going on? I feel like whenever I bring it up face to face, she is full of excuses but whenever I bring it up over the phone she is super excited about it – or she even brings it up! Does she want me to fuck her with the strap-on? Does she want it to just be a fantasy (and if so I’m bummed out because she got me super excited about trying something new)? Or what else is going on?

-Confused

Hey Confused,

I have no idea what’s going through your girlfriend’s mind because I’m not your girlfriend. You’ve noticed a pattern – she claims to want something when you two are separate that she demonstrates NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER in when you two are together. Except that one time. When she was (reading between the lines) so wasted that you two couldn’t get it on.

Maybe she is really interested in trying this out – but as the receptive partner and not the dildo-wearer, as you suggested. Or maybe she is really interested in strapping it on when she’s fantasizing or masturbating, but the idea of actually putting it on and using it when you two are together fills her with… I dunno.. terror? Dread? Confusion?

Right now your girlfriend is telling you two stories, and both of them are a little bit true. There’s obviously something about this that your girlfriend, likes because she keeps bringing it up and explore it with you via phone/text/sext. But rather than straight-up tell you what’s going through her mind, she’s leaving a little gluten-free cookie trail for you to tease out what she wants and give it to her rather than ask for it, and you’re kinda done with that.

Since she’s more sexually adventurous via phone than in person, ask her what’s going on over the phone rather than in person. Be non-confrontational but clear (since you guys have a lot of miscommunications going on atm). If you haven’t told her how hot and bothered this is making you, be clear that all this fantasizing has you REALLY EXCITED about using your shiny new toy and you want to know how you can get there…. in real life, not just fantasies.

Talking about sex can be really difficult for some women, and your girl might be tempted to give you the answer she thinks you want to hear rather than the truth. So leave her space to think about what’s going on for her and open up. A sex toy can be a fun addition to your current sex life, but it doesn’t have to replace the things she likes or feels comfortable with. You can still do all that stuff and use the dildo. It doesn’t hurt to tell her that if she expresses reservations.

Talking about sex can be really difficult for some women, and your girl might be tempted to give you the answer she thinks you want to hear rather than the truth. So leave her space to think about what’s going on for her and open up. A sex toy can be a fun addition to your current sex life, but it doesn’t have to replace the things she likes or feels comfortable with.
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Encourage her to explore the new toy with you – maybe you can just use it without the harness as a step one, or model the harness without a dildo. Go halfway there together. Then have the kind of sex you normally have. See how it felt for both of you, keep talking, and keep exploring.

I’m getting mixed signals from a friend of mine (I’ll call her Kim). Kim had a crush on a woman in her graduate program. She asked the woman out, but they have a tiny program and the woman did not want to date someone she’d be in school with for two years if it didn’t work out. Kim was pretty bummed about it since she’d gotten really into this girl, but she recently started getting out there again and she has a new crush. I met her old crush at a party back when Kim was still super crushed out – we hit it off but at the time this woman was “off limits” since Kim was into her, so I didn’t think of her as anything more than friends.

Flash forward and I ran into the old crush at the gym recently, and we got to talking. Since then we’ve seen one another a few times and she’s always been really chatty. I started wondering if she was into me. I ran it by Kim when we were talking about crushes, not really thinking anything of it, but Kim got super jealous and told me she’d prefer if I didn’t ask her old crush out. I told her I wasn’t making any firm moves but she didn’t have the right to tell me who to date. Kim texted me later apologizing and said she was mostly surprised the girl would be interested in me, but suggesting I could ask her out.

Next time I saw the woman at the gym we traded numbers and I told Kim I’d done that when we were hanging out, and she got really upset and went home early. I had a coffee date with the woman from the gym and it went well (we kissed at the end of the date) but she went away for spring break and I won’t see her until she gets back. Just when I decided Kim was still feeling uncomfortable and I wouldn’t bring it up again, she asked if anything happened with the girl. I don’t know what to do – sometimes Kim acts totally unreasonable but she always apologizes after, but then she acts the same weird way the next time this particular person comes up. Meanwhile, I had a really good first date with this girl and I’m excited to see her again – and I’d love to be able to tell Kim what’s going on with me without worrying that it’s going to cause another flare-up! Suggestions?

– Balancing Act

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Hey Balancing Act,

Like Confused, you’re getting your friend’s truth sometimes, and the version of the truth she maybe aspires to the rest of the time. Your mutual crush was totally genuine in her desire not to date someone in her small graduate program when she told Kim they couldn’t get together, but this sort of non-closure is clearly driving your buddy crazy. Kim is kinda getting out there and dating, but maybe also kinda waiting for the program to be over so she can have a second chance with this girl… Meanwhile, you trot along in your gym bunny outfit and steal way the crush’s attention.

My guess is, Kim knows she’s being unfair and she can sometimes take ownership of her behavior, apologize, and act like an adult. But it’s hard for her and if she had her way you’d date literally anyone else. Even if Kim’s trying to date other ladies, she can’t control who her heart wants or how crappy it feels to hear about your meet cute at the cardio machines. She can try not to show you how much it sucks, but some people struggle with that. I have severe resting bitch face; trust me, I know Kim’s pain.

I’m pretty sure you’ve been in Kim’s shoes before. Think back to how much it totally sucks when you like someone who doesn’t or can’t like you back because of random life circumstances beyond your control. Even when you want to cut off the feelings, you can’t.

What if you meet Kim’s crazy with a little compassion? Take a deep breath, smile, and remind yourself this isn’t forever. Then, go hang out with your new crush and don’t tell Kim more than she can handle. Right now, you guys have kissed and had coffee and you’re all aflutter wanting more.

If things keep going well, you’ll need to navigate Kim’s jealousy issues. But right now? You can just have fun and get to know your crush. You don’t need to give into the crazy dyke drama by feeling bad about what you’re doing or guilting yourself for hiding things from Kim.

Lindsey writes about lesbian drama, relationships, and LGBTQ culture. Keep up with her at @wordhack, or send a sex advice question to [email protected] and write “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line.

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