Lesbianing with AE! This week: Age gaps in lesbian relationships and pleasing an exhibitionist

Photo: Getty Images

Photo: Getty Images


My wife recently told me that she fantasizes about having sex in public, and specifically about being seen or caught. I would be happy to help her realize these fantasies, but have some practical concerns. I work as a nanny for special needs children, so I would not want to be the subject of any gossip or lose my job if the two of us were caught having sex on the football field, for example. How can I help my wife get off on her getting caught fantasies without actually getting caught?

– Help Me Help My Wife


Research suggests that roughly one in five people get off on the idea of getting caught… which suggests that not everyone in your small town would be upset if you two made the local police blotter! But I understand not wanting to.

There are many degrees of exhibitionism. In between your wife’s fantasy of getting caught and your practical desire to stay under the radar, there’s a lot of room to play. You can explore, have fun, and find out what you’re comfortable with.

For starters, you might have sex (or make out, grab her tits, etc. if you need to level up to sex) in a public place where you have a relative degree of privacy, but might be heard or otherwise observed. So go camping for the weekend and don’t worry about being quiet in your tent, or pop into a public bathroom stall and fool around. Head to Victoria’s Secret together and have her model bras for you while you share a dressing room. Go retro and do it in your car in a parking lot somewhere in your city. Have sex in your backyard/front porch/roof deck late at night, when you are reasonably but not 100 percent sure that no one will come (except the two of you!).

This can help you wade into the idea of having sex where you might get caught, while probably not actually getting caught. Side note: If you’re nervous about the legal consequences, keep covered up. It’ll add an extra layer of difficulty to fooling around, but reduce your risk.

If swinging is something that interests you, you could attend a swingers’ event, play party orgy or other place where you can fool around and be observed by others, but the stakes are low that anything negative could happen, since you’re not actually in public.

All these suggestions assume that you’d be into being sexually adventurous, but don’t want to get caught doing something you are enjoying. If you are more shy and need some encouragement to indulge your wife, consider role playing or talking dirty around her fantasies first. You could go out for a glass of wine and whisper dirty thoughts about what she’d like to do without actually doing anything more than talking… and hopefully getting turned on.

Once you’ve tried the relatively safe adventures, you can venture to your favorite hiking spot/public park/crowded dyke night and give sex in public a try. Choose your timing wisely: The local park might be overrun with kids on a Sunday afternoon, yet relatively quiet after dusk. Avoid wearing anything conspicuous… the blander you both look, the less likely you’ll be to attract attention. If you’re worried, talk over the plan beforehand. This can also turn you on, since extended foreplay is a bad idea with public sex. It’s totally fine to decide ahead of time that you’ll go down on her, she’ll keep a lookout, and once she comes you’ll all go for ice cream. Having a plan can help you stay calm as you try this out.

It’s totally fine to decide ahead of time that you’ll go down on her, she’ll keep a lookout, and once she comes you’ll all go for ice cream.

Finally? Have an excuse prepared in case someone does pop by. I once had my girlfriend stick her hand up my shorts in a very public parking lot because I’d safety-pinned my shorts and one of the pins had come undone. “I’m just getting a safety pin out of her crotch, officer. We’re on our way to a Drag Race party,” is a very good excuse, although luckily I never had to use it.

Getty Images

Getty Images

Lindsey writes about lesbian drama, relationships, and LGBTQ culture. Keep up with her at @wordhack, or send a sex advice question to [email protected] and write “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line.