I was matched with this girl on a dating app. I met her after a few months in February and we’ve hung out five times since then. We had a really good time whenever we met and found that she was similar to me in all respects.
During one of these meetings, she said that she is currently into her career and not on the dating app anymore. I told her that I liked her in June. I asked her if we could meet more often and see where things go. She told me that she was in a relationship with a guy before and things went really badly and she is still trying to get over it. She also said that she doesn’t know me well, and doesn’t want to get into a relationship right now and wants to concentrate on her work.
She still keeps in touch-we talk on phone at least once in a week. I tried to ask her out twice, but sometimes she would be really busy. I don’t know what to do now, should I ask her out again or wait for her to plan for a meet? I really don’t know how to take things further.-Career Girl Woes
Dear CGW,
Make like the Frozen girl and “let it go.”
No matter how you slice it, this girl is not that into you.
Exhibit A: She told you she wants to concentrate on her work and not be in a relationship.
Exhibit B: She’s not over the last person she dated.
Exhibit C: You’ve asked her out twice anyway, and she has said no, because she’s “really busy.”
All signs point to “meh,” I’m afraid.
There’s a small chance this all might be a matter of bad timing. She might be legitimately focused on her career! Or simply not over her ex yet. But you shouldn’t hold your breath on that, CGW.
Don’t put your life on hold for someone who’s telling you she doesn’t want to date you.
Feel free to keep your weekly phone call if you can do so strictly as a friend, but also get back on that dating app immediately and start meeting some new people.
You owe it to yourself to not waste time on someone whose priorities are elsewhere (that is, not on dating you).
I’m a lesbian in my late 20s. I have been together with my wife for almost 10 years. We married young, I love her dearly, and she is definitely my soulmate, the one I want to have a family with, and the one I want to grow old with.
However, a couple of years ago she cheated on me. With a dude. Long story short, at the time she came to me and told me that she wanted to try and be with a man. (She was a goldstar). We talked about it on and off, and I wasn’t crazy about the idea. She kept telling me she just needed to try it once to get it out of her system, and I eventually gave in after having her promise me it was only going to be that one time. We made the deal that she got a “green card” to try it with a guy once and that I didn’t want to know who it was, but that I would also have a “green card” to be with another person once. A few months later she confessed to me that she had been seeing this one guy several times. They broke it off completely and they haven’t seen each other since, but I was devastated for a while.
Then six months ago I went on a business trip out of the country. I had an instant connection with one woman in particular and one drink led to another, and we made out for hours. A few nights later, we ended up in bed together.
Part of me felt really weird the day after. I felt like I had betrayed my wife, even though I had a green light to be with someone else. Not going to lie, though: Another part of me felt a little relieved. Like I had taken back the part of myself that she had hurt so much by cheating on me.
I didn’t see the girl again after that trip, but now we have ended up working in the same company. We see each other often and sometimes work on the same projects and go to the same meetings. Sometimes we also go out together (in a bigger group) for private events and we have started becoming good friends. But I feel like I am going crazy. I can’t tell my wife about it because she will make me quit my job instantly and it’s the best job I’ve ever had. Secondly, there is a weird vibe between the girl and I. We’ve talked shortly about it after starting work together. We were both extremely attracted to each other, but it was a one night stand. I’ve tried to think really hard about it and I’m not attracted to her the same way anymore, but there is constantly a weird vibe between us – essentially because we were intimate together and because no one can ever know – and it’s causing me to constantly think about her and about those nights together.
Can you please tell me how to get my shit together? I feel like I can’t perform properly at work, like I’m not giving it my 110% with my wife, and I feel like it’s hurting what I eventually would like to become a friendship between the girl and me, and I’m pretty sure she feels the same way.-Please Help
Dear PH,
You need to tell your wife what happened.
If this girl was someone you were never going to see again, I’d say you could keep it to yourself, but that is not the case. You work together now, see her often, and would like to be friends. Honesty and integrity are the only ways that’s going to happen.
I don’t know why your wife would “make” you quit your job, but you don’t have to do that. That’s an unreasonable demand for a situation that is relatively mild in comparison. If she’s jealous (and I’m sure she will be), that is something you’ll have to work through together, and she may impose boundaries on this new friendship, which you’ll have to negotiate. But you didn’t really do anything to violate the agreed-upon rules of your relationship and the “green card” arrangement.
The reason I’m opposed to these kinds of “don’t ask don’t tell” situations is that it forces us to lie to our partners, which often ends up making us feel shittier in the long run. You didn’t want to know about your wife’s sextracurricular partner, but she told you anyway, and I encourage you to do the same thing.
Coming clean about what happened will also help to alleviate the weirdness between you and the other girl and help ensure it doesn’t happen again, especially after a few drinks at the company picnic.
It will be difficult to have this talk, and your wife will not be pleased by it, but it is also necessary if you don’t want to let this one incident come between you and your relationship (or affect your job even more than it already is).
So suck it up and face the unpleasantness. It’s not as dire as it seems, and if you could get over your wife’s own betrayal of your trust, she can surely get over your “green card” fling.
But only if you tell the truth about it and don’t let that shit fester.
Good luck! It’s gonna be OK.
via Getty
I met a girl at a party last weekend. We drank, we talked a lot, we flirted. We didn’t kiss but she did tell me I looked cute at one point. One small thing is she kept looking at her phone all night, and at one point I am pretty sure she was on Pokemon Go. Which, OK, a little rude, but whatever. I kinda lost her at the end of the night, but I did some searching and found her on Facebook. Can I send her a message or does that make me….-Desperate
Dear D,
Was she playing Pokemon Go or Pokemon GO AWAY?
In either case, it’s not at all desperate. Send her a message on Facebook. Just one. If she responds, great. If she doesn’t, well, rest assured that anyone who is collecting Pikachus in lieu of talking to a cute girl at a party probably has, shall we say, different priorities than you.
Chalk it up to a valiant effort, and move on.
Or party on, Wayne.
Anna is a freelance writer in Oakland. Get overly personal emails and haiku from her at tinyletter.com/annapulley. Or Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at [email protected].
