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The Hook Up: Girl crushin’

There’s this girl I have known for few years, but she’s totally straight, so I never made any advances. I really do enjoy her company, and she enjoys mine. Then I met this other girl who is really into me. Now the first girl is getting jealous because I’m hanging out a lot with this other new girl. Nothing has happened so far, but I really want to make a move on the new girl. Should I stop seeing the first girl before I make my move?-My Girl Crush

Dear MGC,

Should you stop seeing a straight, platonic friend because you have a crush on a girl who might actually date you? No. You’re not obligated to “dump” a friend in order to date somebody else. That would be pretty bizarre considering, you know, that you’re not dating your straight, platonic friend.

But! I would absolutely talk to your friend about this. Say you’ve noticed she’s been acting different since this new girl arrived and ask her what’s up. Maybe don’t use the word “jealous” because that’s kind of a loaded term and she might go straight (no pun intended) to denial. But do find out what’s going on. Ask her some open-ended, leading questions. “Hey, I’ve noticed you get a bit quiet when I mention wanting to hang out with Babe #2. Is something up?”

She might simply miss hanging out with you, or feel insecure in your friendship, and wants your reassurance that if/when you find a girlfriend, you’re not going to ditch her entirely.

Or maybe she’s mad at herself because she missed her chance to date you. Or, she might be trying to manipulate and control your decisions. It’s hard for me to guess from your short letter, but it’s definitely worth looking into if you enjoy each other’s company, have known her for years and have a general respect for each other. A girl crush is hardly a reason to stop being friends with you enjoy.

Plus, it’s TOTALLY possible to have both a close platonic, girl friendship and a sexyladyfriend. Indeed, I’ve even heard rumors that if you’re really advanced, you can even have MULTIPLE friendships + sexyladies in your life. The sky (and your scheduling acumen) is the limit.

Now go make a move on Babe #2, MGC. Scoot!

I fell head over heels in love with a girl who was not out and didn’t want to be. The first couple months were a dream come true, but after about five months she decided she should try dating guys because she didn’t want to be gay. The problem is nothing really changed. We kept sleeping together and being romantic, even though she says she just wants to be friends. And lately she’s become mean. She puts me down, tells me I am not good enough for her, and complains about everything I do. I hate it, but I keep hoping the sweet woman I fell in love with will come back, so I keep holding on. Is there anything I can do?-Sort-of Ex

Dear SOE,

Yes, you poor, sweet thing, you should dump her immediately. That is what you “can do.” The woman you fell in love with is not there anymore. In her place is an emotionally abusive rumpface who is treating you terribly, DEFINITELY NEEDS THERAPY for her own self-loathing and internalized homophobia, and who already technically dumped you months ago.

Let go, dear SOE. You deserve better. If you’re going to “hold on” to anything, let it be your own integrity and self-esteem. Let this woman sort out her confusion and meanness on her own.

via Getty

When I was in high school, I had a major crush on a girl. There were some signs she might like me back, like she was bi and would always give me long hugs, and would tease me playfully in the halls about my outfits or girls or whatever. (I was out in hs.) Years later, I am in college, she left the country, but I still have these big feelings for her. I feel like I’m finally feeling brave enough to tell her how I feel, but it seems from social media like she’s dating a guy. Should I give up because she’s probably not leaving that guy or should I tell her how I feel?-Long-Distance Crush

Dear LDC,

Tell her how you feel.

Tell her, but know that the odds are not in your favor. She’s not in the same country as you are, (strike number one). And she might be dating someone, which is strike two. Plus, if you’re not on friendly enough terms to know for certain whether this guy on social media is her boyfriend or not, that means it’s unlikely you know her super well in the first place.

The reason I think you should tell her is that it might be cathartic for you to get things out in the open, and to help you move on. Because you don’t seem to know her all that well, I would approach the situation as if your crush ended in high school. I’d write to her on social media (privately), mention something that happened to you recently that made you think of her, (long huggers, maybe?) and then casually mention that you had a crush on her. If you make it seem like you’ve been harboring years-long feelings, it might freak her out, so stick to the past tense in order to gauge her reaction.

Maybe she’ll respond favorably, but in a lukewarm manner: “Aww, that’s so sweet.”

Maybe she’ll respond badly or not at all, which is an answer in and of itself, albeit not one any of us wants to hear.

Maybe she’ll say, “OMG, me too! I had no idea. I didn’t know you liked girls too!”

Regardless of how she responds, (unless she says she’s flying home immediately to start an organic alfalfa farm with you), I want you to treat the endeavor as an exercise in moving on. You’re stuck in this “what if” scenario and it’s causing you not to move on with your life.

You’re in college! The queer experimentation capital of the world. And yet you’re mooning over this gal who hugged you good several years ago. When we embroil ourselves in these crush-fantasies (and it is a fantasy, don’t tell yourself otherwise), we close ourselves off to the possibility of meeting someone awesome, someone who, like, lives where you do, and is not dating some dude instead of you.

Find those girls. They are out there, and they are waiting to give you so much more than innuendo and a friendly hug.

Anna is a freelance writer in Oakland. Get overly personal emails and haiku from her at tinyletter.com/annapulley. Or Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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