Hi Anna,
Long-time reader, first-time writer here! I’m getting back on the saddle after a decade of serial monogamy. Have somehow managed to actually start dating, casually seeing a few people at the moment, but haven’t gotten to hookup level just yet.
Here’s the thing, I’m suddenly paranoid that my crib isn’t hookup-worthy! My college hovel was fine back in the day, but I’m supposed to be succeeding at adulting, so I should have a pimped-out crib, right? And it should be spotless 24/7, too, right?? What’s a girl to do? I can’t keep my makeup stashed out of sight all the time, and I can’t justify buying swanky leather sofas for a booty call. Help please!-Needing a Bachelorette Pad STAT
Dear NBPS,
I once had sex with (and then proceeded to date for four months) a woman who literally lived in a closet-her futon mattress was too wide for the space and rested half up the wall like a sad parenthesis. But the closet did have a window, so.
In other words, I’m probably not the most pragmatic person to field this question, but I did some research on bachelorette pads and cleanliness, and here’s what I found.
Rent.com asked 1,000 U.S. singles about their turn-ons and turn-offs when it came to seeing a date’s apartment for the first time. Survey says: It doesn’t have to be spotless, but it should be reasonably clean.
Eighty-two percent of respondents said they pay attention to how clean or dirty the apartment is-and 78 percent said a dirty apartment was their biggest turnoff.
And what about for longer-term dating situations? According to the survey, 67 percent said that a nice apartment would make them more interested in someone as a potential partner.
illlustration by Natasha Miren Terbraak
But what is “clean,” anyway? Isn’t it subjective?
According to the above infographic, women care most about clean bathrooms, followed by kitchens, so if you only have time to put effort into a few spaces, focus on those.
Nothing was said about makeup specifically, but if you’re really worried about it, or it’s taking up the entire bathroom counter, perhaps get a case for it and dump it in there before dates/hookups. Not that she’ll necessarily even notice. She’s probably more concerned about your DVD collection. Amelie? AGAIN?
I was curious about what makes a great bachelorette pad, so I also posed your question to folks on social media, and here are some of the salient responses.
Smell is important
As in, make sure your house doesn’t. If you have pets or are generally curious, it would behoove you to ask for an outside opinion as to the olfactory aromas of your abode. You live there, so you might not be able to detect any odors that might be an issue.
Fixing funk is fairly uncomplicated, however. A neutral smell is just a Febreeze spray away. You can also invest in candles (though that can be off-putting to some as well, especially if it’s something weird like Christmas or Fudge Brownie scent), mild air fresheners, and plants (more on that later).
Get a comfortable couch
It doesn’t have to be leather, but it should be comfy, free of stains, and a place you want to spend time on (or Netflix and make-out on). If you have roommates, this can be harder (or not up to you at all), but in general, a nice couch = a nice touch.
Let’s put this to bed
This seems like a no-brainer, but not having sheets on the bed was listed as a big turn-off, as well as having a mattress-on-the-floor setup. (If you’re in your early twenties, you can probably get a pass on this. For now.) Get a bed frame and make it a sturdy one-not for aesthetics, but so you can have sex without alerting everyone in a six-mile radius. Most IKEA frames need not apply.
Other obvious deal breakers
The usual suspects came into play here: Vermin, bugs, stacks of crusty dishes, beer bottles everywhere, hoarding-all were frowned upon, if not outright condemned. Avoid them at all cost. Doyes “R” Us.
Not essential, but nice to have
Plants. Plants not only add color, but they also neutralize chemicals in the air, relieve stress, and give off a nice scent. If you succ at keeping things alive, try a succulent. In fact, it’s rare indeed to find a queer lady without at least one in her room/house/porch. Succulents to queer women are like casseroles to midwesterners. IRRESISTIBLE.
A custom bar. Hey, while we’re dreaming, why not? Get yourself a small bar cart and stack it with a few essentials (ingredients for one or two mixed drinks, a wine bottle or two, and a couple of glasses) that you can keep on hand for dates. If it has wheels, you can roll it on over to the couch or bed for prime sexy-time refreshments.
Good vibes. That may sound witchy and vague, but good energy doesn’t have to mean breaking out the Nag Champa or sage-ing everything (though you totally can)! Bringing good vibes to your space can involve things like displaying photos and memories of happy times, trying some Feng Shui arranging, and yes, cleaning or tidying up, which also helps to provide relief from anxiety and moodiness.
Aaaaand, fine. Here’s a witchy smudge-stick spell for bringing good vibes. We are queer women, after all.
Hi Anna,
Got a word of advice for being bait for curious-straight-girls? How do I stop falling into this trap? Once they learn that I play for both teams, they start asking me questions about whether or not I’ve kissed a girl and what was that like, what’s lesbian sex like and how does that even work?
The pattern goes: We’d be friends for a bit and then whenever we’d hang out something along those questions would come up again. I’d open myself up emotionally then I would end up falling for them, and when I finally decide to act on it, I’d be flat-out rejected as they insist they really are straight and then the friendship would die out on its own.
Was it all just me being led on here and I read too much into it when they get all touchy-feely while asking those questions? What do I need to do to actually find a woman who is interested in me for me and not just to fulfill their curiosity?-Exasperated Bisexual
Dear EB,
How often does that happen? If it’s every girl you’re interested in, I would expand your friend and acquaintance circle to include A LOT more queer activities/events/people/dating apps.
If, on the other hand, it’s happened less than three times, I might simply chalk it up to shitty luck and move on. Misunderstandings happen! It doesn’t serve anyone to beat yourself up over it or hold onto a martyr complex about being “led on.”
The tricky part is sometimes bicurious women DO hit on other women that way, subtly, by asking tons of questions and hoping you get the “hint.” Often these gals are super awkward around you, make a lot of eye contact and touch you unnecessarily, and say things like, “If only I met a trusting girl I could explore these desires with …”
But others are genuinely straight, merely curious, and feel like they can trust you with their questions because you seem open and honest (good traits to have, by the way).
What can you do to avoid hitting on lots of straight women then?
Aside from the above get-more-queer-ladies-in-your-life advice, you can also try being EXTREMELY DIRECT with these inquiring women. Because flirting is so nuanced and variant, the only “real” way to know if a girl is interested in you, as opposed to interested in the mechanics of girl-girl sex (Side note: WHY IS THIS SUCH A MYSTERY TO EVERYONE?) is to ask her outright.
If you’re confident, you can make it a flirtatious confrontation: “Are you asking me a thousand lesbian sex questions because you want to make out?” Or a plain ol’ “Are you flirting with me?” also gets the job done.
The goal is to get clear about intentions before anyone falls for anyone or gets their ego stomped on.
You can also shut it down before you get too involved by telling yourself (and her) that you don’t date girls with zero experience.
In order to stop a pattern from repeating, first, you must learn to recognize it, and take action before you get your feelings hurt. I know that can be hard, especially if you don’t want to go around assuming every girl wants to bone you, but a little self-reflection never hurt anyone.
At the end of the day, you and you alone are responsible for your feelings and actions. Own them. If you find yourself falling for the “wrong person” over and over again, it’s time to take a step back and figure out what role YOU are playing in this so you can alter the course.
Good luck, and go meet some more queer women.
Anna is a freelance writer in Oakland. Get overly personal emails and haiku from her at tinyletter.com/annapulley. Or Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at [email protected].
