October 11th is National Coming Out Day and while it’s becoming more and more accepted to be LGBTQ, it’s still a very personal thing to come out. What advice would you like to share with people who want to come out?
Grace Chu: While it is becoming more and more accepted to be LGBT, we do have to keep in mind that there are still pockets in the U.S. where it would be inadvisable for young people people to come out. 40% of homeless youth are LGBT-many end up on the street when intolerant families or communities reject them. And we have to keep in mind that this website is seen all over the world, and some countries are not very welcoming of LGBT people. So rather than give Pollyanna-esque advice to the vulnerable, I’d say the following: if you are still dependent on your family financially and they may not be as generous if you come out, wait until you are self sufficient. Getting an education and getting into a position where you can help yourself and other LGBT people will do much more in the long run. There are places where you can thrive as an out LGBT person, but you have to gain access there first. And yes, you can go back and serve LGBT folks in underserved and intolerant communities, and I know people from where I grew up in the south who have, but you have to get into a position where you can do so first. I know this is not very cheery, but the last thing I want is to give advice that may hinder anyone’s progress.
Valerie Anne: My advice would be that the most important person to come out to is yourself. Coming out to myself was the hardest part for me, and it was something I fought against for almost a full decade. Once I finally figured out how I felt and what I wanted and that it was okay, that it was normal, that I wasn’t the only one who felt the way I did, it was a huge weight off my chest. A heaviness I hadn’t even fully realized I was carrying around with me all that time, a pain that had felt as part of me as the freckles on my nose-gone. I felt like I was floating, like I was free of a heavy chain I had wrapped around myself. (With the help of society and Catholic school and all that jazz.) A chain I once thought was keeping me tethered to something safe, but was actually holding me back from being my truest self. A chain I didn’t need anymore. So even if you’re in a situation where you can’t come out publicly yet, come out to yourself. And learn to love the real you. You’re not alone, you’re not broken. You’re just you. And as a wise man once said, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
Lucy Hallowell: After you come out to yourself and realize that being gay/lesbian/bisexual/trans/queer etc. you can start building your team. Go ahead and cherry pick those people who you just know are going to think you being you is the greatest thing. I came out to a friend first. I’m sure she had thought I was gay from about five minutes after we met and we had discussed a lot of stuff around maybe being gay before I came out to her. So, I knew she was a good person to tell. And then I told my sister who I also knew would be great and every time I told these people they gave me so much strength and support that I felt much stronger than I would have on my own. Because, dammit, I had a team of people who were there with me.
Erin Faith Wilson: Give people a chance to know the real you. Often times we hide who we are because we think we will be judged or mistreated so we never give people the opportunity to prove to us that they in fact feel the exact opposite of what we thought they would feel. Don’t assume you know what their reactions will be to you coming out because people are a lot more accepting than you might think! The more people you tell, the more love and support you will find. Will everyone support it? Maybe not. But odds are, the amount of people that do far out weighs the amount of people that don’t.
Bridget McManus: Coming out is so personal. All I can say is do it when you are ready. Don’t let anyone else dictate when and or who you tell. But once you decide to do it do it fast like ripping off a bandaid. You’ll make yourself crazy over thinking it and trying to find the perfect moment to do it. And remember, being LGBTQ is fucking awesome so congratulations!
Dara Nai: Do it when you’re ready, and not because you feel like you have to, or you’re supposed to. You also don’t have to label yourself “queer” or head straight to your nearest Pride parade, or binge-watch I Am Cait or decorate your cubical with rainbow flags, or anything else you don’t want to do. Our community loves a bandwagon: Your only agenda should be your own authentic happiness. But you do have to rescue a cat. That’s in the manual.
Anna Pulley: Coming out is like Narnia, especially if you’re bi. You think you’ve found your way out of the closet, but there’s only more closets (and lions and witches, too). Get used to reintroducing yourself to the universe. Keep moving and keep believing that you’re fucking worthy and important and magical, because you are. Also, buy 17 beanies. You’ll need all of them.
Ali Davis: There is so much good advice here: Yes, wait until coming out is right for you. Make sure you’ll be physically safe and, if you think there’s a chance that your parents or guardians won’t accept it, make sure you’re self-sufficient before you come out. Do all the thinking you need to. You are on nobody’s timetable but your own. Also, nobody tells straight people that they have to have sex with someone before they can call themselves straight, so don’t ever feel pressured to do anything more than you’re comfortable with. (That’s a good rule of thumb in general.) It’s true that there may be people who react badly-I was genuinely surprised by a couple of them-but there are so, so many people who will be so much more lovely than you ever imagined. Go ahead and take the opportunity to bring those friendships closer. You will also find a great swath of people who truly do not care what anyone’s sexual orientation is, and they are to be treasured as well. Find your tribe, whether in real life or online. People you can talk about the big things and the silly little things with.
Being in the closet is like carrying a rock around in your stomach. There’s a weight and an anxiety that makes everything more difficult. And coming out, finally putting down that rock, is so wonderfully freeing. My best advice is that you don’t need to pick up anyone else’s rock or step into anyone else’s box. Just like there are people who will have always been happy to tell you that you are not straight/womanly/whatever enough, there are plenty of people on the other side of coming out who will helpfully tell you you are not gay enough/not butch enough/not femme enough/attracted to the wrong people/shipping the wrong fictional characters. Those are people who need rigid rules in their own lives; they are not people who have any jurisdiction over yours. Let them sit in their own boxes and carry their own rocks.
You have a superpower now: You know what carrying that rock feels like, and you know what letting it go feels like. It’s a great way to check in make sure you’re being true to yourself in every area of your life. Forge your own category or defy them entirely. Have fun. Be safe. Dance a lot. Make out with people who are good to you and deserve you. Congratulations and welcome.
What’s your advice for coming out?
Emily McGaughy: There is no right or wrong way to come out. Do what you know is best for you. And it’s never too early or too late- so long as your safety is not at risk. Don’t apologize for how you identify. Apologies imply that you’ve done something wrong and will give the person you’re coming out to all the power. Who you are is not wrong. And know that, in general, life after coming out will be much more satisfying and free. Being LGBT comes with complications and struggles, but it connects you with queer people everywhere in a very special way. Being an out lesbian has allowed me to see the world more clearly and from a broader perspective. It is a real gift to be queer.
Dana Piccoli: Start off by baking muffins. The smell of baked goods makes everyone feel at ease. OK, well, you actually don’t need the muffins but I really like them. I have two pieces of advice. 1. Give your loved ones some credit. People love you and want to know the real you. When I came out, I underestimated how well some of my friends would take it. Most likely, they already have a clue. 2. Trust your instincts. If you feel in danger, or concerned that someone might take your coming out badly, trust your gut. Get in a safe space and build a community to support you. You are going to be great, and a life lived openly feels really good.
Kim Hoffman: You might find out that coming out happens in stages, happens over and over, happens when you least expected it. You might write it in a long email to your mom, who says: “Aw, that’s OK-I could see myself one day leaving your dad to live among women, like the Golden Girls!” You might run into your dad with your new girlfriend who has a multi colored mohawk and be relieved when he tells you he is so OK with you being gay but isn’t so sure about the hair. You might feel things that you long forgot were part of you: that weird sensation of being an adolescent all over again, but in a way, as if for the first time, or hey, you might be an adolescent reading this right now! (Which is rad.) Just know that loving yourself and giving yourself a pat on the back is step #1 and step #2058838. You’ll need you. You might even meet you. So remember to greet yourself nicely. You might be surprised by what you find.
Trish Bendix: If people question you upon your coming out, hold strong. You know yourself better than anyone else. You will get questions like “How do you know? Are you sure? But have you tried being with a man?” You might even get more personal, challenging inquires from people who think it OK to ask these things of you, no matter how well you know them, or they you. Just know that you don’t have to be the one to educate them, but if you feel comfortable enough and want to give them the answers they are looking for, remember that you’ve had a lot more time to process this then they have, and for most people, a little time and learning will help them to understand this isn’t a phase or lack of dudes knocking at your door. And no one is “too pretty to be gay.” THAT IS NOT A THING.
Ali Davis: There is so much good advice here: Yes, wait until coming out is right for you. Make sure you’ll be physically safe and, if you think there’s a chance that your parents or guardians won’t accept it, make sure you’re self-sufficient before you come out. Do all the thinking you need to. You are on nobody’s timetable but your own. Also, nobody tells straight people that they have to have sex with someone before they can call themselves straight, so don’t ever feel pressured to do anything more than you’re comfortable with. (That’s a good rule of thumb in general.) It’s true that there may be people who react badly-I was genuinely surprised by a couple of them-but there are so, so many people who will be so much more lovely than you ever imagined. Go ahead and take the opportunity to bring those friendships closer. You will also find a great swath of people who truly do not care what anyone’s sexual orientation is, and they are to be treasured as well. Find your tribe, whether in real life or online. People you can talk about the big things and the silly little things with.
Being in the closet is like carrying a rock around in your stomach. There’s a weight and an anxiety that makes everything more difficult. And coming out, finally putting down that rock, is so wonderfully freeing. My best advice is that you don’t need to pick up anyone else’s rock or step into anyone else’s box. Just like there are people who will have always been happy to tell you that you are not straight/womanly/whatever enough, there are plenty of people on the other side of coming out who will helpfully tell you you are not gay enough/not butch enough/not femme enough/attracted to the wrong people/shipping the wrong fictional characters. Those are people who need rigid rules in their own lives; they are not people who have any jurisdiction over yours. Let them sit in their own boxes and carry their own rocks.
You have a superpower now: You know what carrying that rock feels like, and you know what letting it go feels like. It’s a great way to check in make sure you’re being true to yourself in every area of your life. Forge your own category or defy them entirely. Have fun. Be safe. Dance a lot. Make out with people who are good to you and deserve you. Congratulations and welcome.
What’s your advice for coming out?
Elaine Atwell: Trust yourself. When you come out, people often want to play tug-of-war with your identity. The less tolerant people in your life might try to tell you that this is just a phase, that you are surely mistaken about yourself. And then some members of the community might push you towards a certain label, or towards sleeping with a ton of chicks, or force you think watch Lost Girl. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANY OF THESE THINGS. The most important thing is to keep listening to the brave, honest voice in your head that told you that you like boobs and it’s time you told the world about it.
Caitlin Bergh: When you come out, don’t forget to announce which L Word character you are and why.
Chelsea Steiner: Don’t apologize for being yourself-ever. Take your time. Breathe deeply. You got this. Also, if you’re femme and/or bisexual, be prepared to come out over and over and over again like a queer version of Groundhog Day.
Emily McGaughy: There is no right or wrong way to come out. Do what you know is best for you. And it’s never too early or too late- so long as your safety is not at risk. Don’t apologize for how you identify. Apologies imply that you’ve done something wrong and will give the person you’re coming out to all the power. Who you are is not wrong. And know that, in general, life after coming out will be much more satisfying and free. Being LGBT comes with complications and struggles, but it connects you with queer people everywhere in a very special way. Being an out lesbian has allowed me to see the world more clearly and from a broader perspective. It is a real gift to be queer.
Dana Piccoli: Start off by baking muffins. The smell of baked goods makes everyone feel at ease. OK, well, you actually don’t need the muffins but I really like them. I have two pieces of advice. 1. Give your loved ones some credit. People love you and want to know the real you. When I came out, I underestimated how well some of my friends would take it. Most likely, they already have a clue. 2. Trust your instincts. If you feel in danger, or concerned that someone might take your coming out badly, trust your gut. Get in a safe space and build a community to support you. You are going to be great, and a life lived openly feels really good.
Kim Hoffman: You might find out that coming out happens in stages, happens over and over, happens when you least expected it. You might write it in a long email to your mom, who says: “Aw, that’s OK-I could see myself one day leaving your dad to live among women, like the Golden Girls!” You might run into your dad with your new girlfriend who has a multi colored mohawk and be relieved when he tells you he is so OK with you being gay but isn’t so sure about the hair. You might feel things that you long forgot were part of you: that weird sensation of being an adolescent all over again, but in a way, as if for the first time, or hey, you might be an adolescent reading this right now! (Which is rad.) Just know that loving yourself and giving yourself a pat on the back is step #1 and step #2058838. You’ll need you. You might even meet you. So remember to greet yourself nicely. You might be surprised by what you find.
Trish Bendix: If people question you upon your coming out, hold strong. You know yourself better than anyone else. You will get questions like “How do you know? Are you sure? But have you tried being with a man?” You might even get more personal, challenging inquires from people who think it OK to ask these things of you, no matter how well you know them, or they you. Just know that you don’t have to be the one to educate them, but if you feel comfortable enough and want to give them the answers they are looking for, remember that you’ve had a lot more time to process this then they have, and for most people, a little time and learning will help them to understand this isn’t a phase or lack of dudes knocking at your door. And no one is “too pretty to be gay.” THAT IS NOT A THING.
Ali Davis: There is so much good advice here: Yes, wait until coming out is right for you. Make sure you’ll be physically safe and, if you think there’s a chance that your parents or guardians won’t accept it, make sure you’re self-sufficient before you come out. Do all the thinking you need to. You are on nobody’s timetable but your own. Also, nobody tells straight people that they have to have sex with someone before they can call themselves straight, so don’t ever feel pressured to do anything more than you’re comfortable with. (That’s a good rule of thumb in general.) It’s true that there may be people who react badly-I was genuinely surprised by a couple of them-but there are so, so many people who will be so much more lovely than you ever imagined. Go ahead and take the opportunity to bring those friendships closer. You will also find a great swath of people who truly do not care what anyone’s sexual orientation is, and they are to be treasured as well. Find your tribe, whether in real life or online. People you can talk about the big things and the silly little things with.
Being in the closet is like carrying a rock around in your stomach. There’s a weight and an anxiety that makes everything more difficult. And coming out, finally putting down that rock, is so wonderfully freeing. My best advice is that you don’t need to pick up anyone else’s rock or step into anyone else’s box. Just like there are people who will have always been happy to tell you that you are not straight/womanly/whatever enough, there are plenty of people on the other side of coming out who will helpfully tell you you are not gay enough/not butch enough/not femme enough/attracted to the wrong people/shipping the wrong fictional characters. Those are people who need rigid rules in their own lives; they are not people who have any jurisdiction over yours. Let them sit in their own boxes and carry their own rocks.
You have a superpower now: You know what carrying that rock feels like, and you know what letting it go feels like. It’s a great way to check in make sure you’re being true to yourself in every area of your life. Forge your own category or defy them entirely. Have fun. Be safe. Dance a lot. Make out with people who are good to you and deserve you. Congratulations and welcome.
What’s your advice for coming out?
