Shape Up with Ever Mainard: Gay Up the Gym!

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Who do these heteros think they are naming our workout moves? Words like “push-ups” and “bench press” are so aggressive. Am I right, ladies?! Its time to take the gym and make these hetero-abrasive terms obsolete! Might I suggest:

1) Cherry pickers are now clam diggers. OK, technically this euphemism still works for us, but I just really enjoy calling my vagina a clam. DEAL.WITH.IT. Better yet, SHUCK IT!

2) Lying leg raises are now scissor sisters. Although this move can be a bit—ahh, how do you say uncomfortable to do in the gym, having a tongue-in-cheek name may help you giggle through it. Seriously, this move is highly effective.

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3) Barbell bench press? More like fist-its. With words like barbell, bench, and press—this move can be a little difficult to get through without thinking about the heterosexuals that are surrounding you at the gym. This power move needs a special name, and that’s why I propose that we now call it a Fist-It.

4) Planks are now called LDB (AKA Lesbian Death Beds). I can’t even get through saying the word “planks” without barfing in my mouth. The term brings nothing to mind except bland, hetero sex. That’s why I’m going to start calling them LDB, because you’re just there. Its not like you’re doing anything.

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5) Those power ab moves formally called V-crunches are now called bull daggers. Nothing like activating your butch pride when doing crunches. Especially these difficult beasts. Dag it in, baby!

6) Those awkward laying hip raises have been officially renamed to pillow princesses. Need I say more? You’re on your back. What else do you want from me?

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7) Changing that side-lunge game to U-Hauls.  Girls, we know how we do. Constantly moving from place to place as we shift the pain from one place to another, hauling around our baggage for someone else to deal with. Oh, sorry. Got lost there.

8) High knees are now femmes. Because nobody believes you can do them correctly.

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9) Jumping jacks to gold stars! I mean how fun is it to do 100 gold stars?

10) Shoulder raises? Wow. Very hetero. Very male. Unh-uh. These are now called power lesbians.