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The Hook Up: Be the heroine of your own fairy tale

Although I’m young (I recently turned 20), I’ve been out since I was 14 and I have a very supportive friends and family. My problem is that for some reason I have issues with getting girls to consider me to be more than a drunken hookup. I seem to attract every gorgeous straight girl in a 10km radius and every queer girl I meet on a night out seems to only be interested in how far they can get with me before ignoring my existence the next day. I live on a residential college for university where I recently told one of the only other queer girls who is out that I had feelings for her. She reciprocated my feelings, but being my awkward self, I kind of ran off on her. Ever since, I’ve being telling myself that I misheard what she said because she’s absolutely gorgeous and my past experiences have taught me that girls only seem to use me. I know I’m being unreasonable with how I’m reacting to this and one day I’ll look back at this and laugh but for the time being how can I get over these feeling that I’ll be alone forever? How can I bring myself to trust that a girl is being legitimate when she says she has feelings for me?-Scared Aussie

Dear Scared Aussie,

If you want to be more than a drunken hookup, then don’t be a drunken hookup! Or even, be a drunken hookup, but also let go of your expectation that meaningful romantic connections often occur during a random night of slurry margarita sex. They do not.

It really is that simple. And you proved it with the cute girl in your class, whom you ran off because you have trust issues and are 20 years old.

If it isn’t too late, call that girl back, and tell her you want do something nice for her-take her to dinner, or better yet, make her dinner. Apologize for being a weirdo and tell her this is new territory for you, and scary, but you’d like to give it a go. And then give it a go, Scared!

It’s true that some people will use you. Some people will manipulate you and lie to you to get what they want. With age and experience you’ll have a better bullshit detector for recognizing these douche-bananas and staying away from them, but first you have to learn to value yourself, your time, health, and happiness. I want you to focus on that as much as you can. If you find yourself three Fosters deep and macking on some cute stranger, I want you to ask yourself if sex/her is something you really want. Is a hookup more important than the emotional well-being of your tomorrow self? Or three weeks later self?

But also, there’s no reward without risk. Shutting down every girl who likes you because you’re afraid she might use you at some future date is not a sustainable life plan, especially if, as you said, you don’t want to “be alone forever.”

As Leonard Cohen sang, “There’s a crack in everything-that’s how the light gets in.” Allow a little bit of that light to shine through, my Down Under Wonder Woman. You owe yourself that much.

I’m a gay woman in my mid 20s, I just got out of my first longish term relationship with a girl, and was trying out the whole tinder thing. I ended up meeting this girl for a beer in the afternoon, and it turned into 8 hours of really great conversation and than some really good sex. When I was leaving we established we’d like to see each other again, and texted a bit the next day. I waited a day or two and asked if she was free, she said yes for later in the week.

The day comes, a text to see if we’re still meeting and nothing. I didn’t hear back. I was disappointed but, it’s tinder, whatever, we don’t know each other or have mutual friends, not a big deal. A few days later I figure I’ll send her a last ditch text and then move on. So I said, “Hope you’re having a good weekend, shoot me a text if you want to hang out.” I wasn’t really expecting a reply, but then she said “Sorry about the other day! I have a friend staying with me and she showed up early and I got confused about the days and whatnot. I’m a little out of town right now, but a friend is lending me a car!”

Which I took to mean “I can meet up later,” so I asked if she wanted to meet for a drink. To which she says “My friends actually still here lol. what are ya getting up to?” I told her, and then no reply once again. So. What does this mean? I feel like I’m kind of getting the run around, but she’s also a random girl from tinder, who doesn’t really have to be texting me back. Do I give up? Do I wait a few days and try the last ditch text again? I know I should just ignore it and move on, but being the clingy lesbian I am, I thought we kinda had a CONNECTION. Plus she’s a hottie.-Please Help

Dear PH,

You are allowed to have one more text exchange whereby concrete plans are formed, meaning a set date, time, and location. If she bails or offers more excuses, then NEXT.

p.s. If wanting someone to respond to a text makes you a “clingy” lesbian, then lady, I FEAR FOR US ALL.

p.p.s. By that, I mean, it’s fine. You’re fine.

A few months ago I found myself developing very strong feelings for a girl in one of my university classes whom I had never spoken to. I identify as an aromantic asexual and have never before been attracted to anyone. These feelings made me extremely anxious and nerve-wracked. By the time the semester ended, I finally opened up to myself and recognized that I was romantically and sexually attracted to this woman. Over the summer, I saw her a ton of times by coincidence (she worked across from the cafe I frequently studied in). I have a ton of social anxiety and as a result of that I have never had the courage to talk to her. Although we go to the same school, we’re part of different social circles, so I doubt there’s any chance of running into her at any school or social events.

I know that she’s a lesbian and even though I think I might have a shot of mutual attraction, I’m just so intimidated by my own feelings in this situation. I’m also concerned that my *fairytale-like* feelings could be intimidating. It’s kind of weird to have only been attracted to one person ever in any sort of context, and although I have made peace with the weirdness of it, I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. I’m realistic about the likelihood of her reciprocation of this intense head-over-heels feeling, but the lovesick puppy in me wonders how amazing it would be if she felt the same way.

I hate to be a romcom trope, but I’m honestly just so lost in this one. Do you have any advice?-All The Feels

Dear Feels,

You’re kinda breaking my heart, kiddo. But first, UM, LADIES LOVE FAIRY TALES.

A friend of mine met her wife through OkCupid. This is unremarkable in and of itself, until you consider that she saw her future wife’s profile, created an account that day and wrote to only her, with the sole intention of dating and eventually marrying her.

All super romantic stories are a little bit creepy, in other words. Look at every Shakespeare play: How many people had to die so Romeo and Juliet could make out on a balcony?

But please don’t let any potentially awkward conversations down the road stop you from talking to this gal. Just, maybe don’t use that as your opening line. You can worry about that later, after you get to know each other gradually, and are starting to fall in love. And one day, it will be a fantastic story to tell at your wedding (which is, coincidentally, what I told my friend after she said she was joining OkCupid to seduce one person). Look at me planning your damn nuptials already. See? BITCHES LOVE FAIRY TALES.

First though, you gotta actually talk to this babe. Do you have a way to do that, Feels? Does she still work at that cafe? Can you find her on social media? Since you have social anxiety, it might be easier to message her from the safety of your computer first.

But please please say something to her. Anything. (For pointers, see this and this). I know she gives you the feels, Feels, but I implore you to set aside your small fears and doubts and think of the much larger soulsuck of regret that would form in your gut if you said or did nothing at all.

There is no fairy tale if the heroine doesn’t take that first step into the unknown. Everything up until then is just fluff.

Be the heroine of your life story, Feels. No one else is gonna do it for you.

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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