The Hook Up: Be the heroine of your own fairy tale

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Although I’m young (I recently turned 20), I’ve been out since I was 14 and I have a very supportive friends and family. My problem is that for some reason I have issues with getting girls to consider me to be more than a drunken hookup. I seem to attract every gorgeous straight girl in a 10km radius and every queer girl I meet on a night out seems to only be interested in how far they can get with me before ignoring my existence the next day. I live on a residential college for university where I recently told one of the only other queer girls who is out that I had feelings for her. She reciprocated my feelings, but being my awkward self, I kind of ran off on her. Ever since, I’ve being telling myself that I misheard what she said because she’s absolutely gorgeous and my past experiences have taught me that girls only seem to use me. I know I’m being unreasonable with how I’m reacting to this and one day I’ll look back at this and laugh but for the time being how can I get over these feeling that I’ll be alone forever? How can I bring myself to trust that a girl is being legitimate when she says she has feelings for me?—Scared Aussie

 

Dear Scared Aussie,

If you want to be more than a drunken hookup, then don’t be a drunken hookup! Or even, be a drunken hookup, but also let go of your expectation that meaningful romantic connections often occur during a random night of slurry margarita sex. They do not.

It really is that simple. And you proved it with the cute girl in your class, whom you ran off because you have trust issues and are 20 years old.

If it isn’t too late, call that girl back, and tell her you want do something nice for her—take her to dinner, or better yet, make her dinner. Apologize for being a weirdo and tell her this is new territory for you, and scary, but you’d like to give it a go. And then give it a go, Scared!

It’s true that some people will use you. Some people will manipulate you and lie to you to get what they want. With age and experience you’ll have a better bullshit detector for recognizing these douche-bananas and staying away from them, but first you have to learn to value yourself, your time, health, and happiness. I want you to focus on that as much as you can. If you find yourself three Fosters deep and macking on some cute stranger, I want you to ask yourself if sex/her is something you really want. Is a hookup more important than the emotional well-being of your tomorrow self? Or three weeks later self?

But also, there’s no reward without risk. Shutting down every girl who likes you because you’re afraid she might use you at some future date is not a sustainable life plan, especially if, as you said, you don’t want to “be alone forever.”

As Leonard Cohen sang, “There’s a crack in everything—that’s how the light gets in.” Allow a little bit of that light to shine through, my Down Under Wonder Woman. You owe yourself that much.

 

I’m a gay woman in my mid 20s, I just got out of my first longish term relationship with a girl, and was trying out the whole tinder thing. I ended up meeting this girl for a beer in the afternoon, and it turned into 8 hours of really great conversation and than some really good sex. When I was leaving we established we’d like to see each other again, and texted a bit the next day. I waited a day or two and asked if she was free, she said yes for later in the week.

The day comes, a text to see if we’re still meeting and nothing. I didn’t hear back. I was disappointed but, it’s tinder, whatever, we don’t know each other or have mutual friends, not a big deal. A few days later I figure I’ll send her a last ditch text and then move on. So I said, “Hope you’re having a good weekend, shoot me a text if you want to hang out.” I wasn’t really expecting a reply, but then she said “Sorry about the other day! I have a friend staying with me and she showed up early and I got confused about the days and whatnot. I’m a little out of town right now, but a friend is lending me a car!”

Which I took to mean “I can meet up later,” so I asked if she wanted to meet for a drink. To which she says “My friends actually still here lol. what are ya getting up to?” I told her, and then no reply once again. So. What does this mean? I feel like I’m kind of getting the run around, but she’s also a random girl from tinder, who doesn’t really have to be texting me back. Do I give up? Do I wait a few days and try the last ditch text again? I know I should just ignore it and move on, but being the clingy lesbian I am, I thought we kinda had a CONNECTION. Plus she’s a hottie.—Please Help

 

Dear PH,

You are allowed to have one more text exchange whereby concrete plans are formed, meaning a set date, time, and location. If she bails or offers more excuses, then NEXT.

p.s. If wanting someone to respond to a text makes you a “clingy” lesbian, then lady, I FEAR FOR US ALL.

p.p.s. By that, I mean, it’s fine. You’re fine.