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Biffle or Beezy: Wannabees and Cuddle Buddies

Dear Biffle or Beezy,

So this girl and I know we have a mutual crush on each other but we are both unwilling to officially date because we both feel too young and busy. We still cuddle and act generally couple-y at times and like regular close friends other times. What is this called?

Thanks,

Blurred Lines

Dear Blurred Lines,

I believe the scientific term is “Fuckin’ Lesbians.” Make a move! Or ignore the feelings and hope they goes away. That’s what I do.

Growing up Catholic gave me a wonderful talent for compartmentalizing relationships, repressing inconvenient emotions, and ignoring glaring issues. Denial is underrated. You should see me at Christmas! Small talk master class. I can talk about the weather ALL DAY.

Seriously, though: Don’t overthink this. If you both feel too young and busy to date, you should not date. I know it’s tempting and easy, but relationships are exceptionally consuming. You’ve got a good thing going. Don’t mess it up if you’re not certain.

Although I would strongly suggest not dating mutual friends. Or enemies. Compartmentalization. WOO HOOO.

Dear Biffle or Beezy,

I just recently moved out to Northern Cali and I’ve been having trouble meeting other gay girls. But I was out the other night alone and saw this cute couple at the bar and I thought about buying them a drink just as like a friendly, “Hi, fellow homo here,” but then I figured that might be weird and didn’t do it. What’s your opinion? Yay or nay? And I’ve tried the online dating thing but nothing much has come of that.

Love,

Friendly Newbie

Dear Friendly Newbie,

Sure! Before you approach them, try to read their body language and demeanor. Are they holding hands, kissing, and whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears? Or are they looking around, laughing, checking their phones, and casually interacting? Interrupting a couple’s romantic moment may not be entirely welcome, even if they’re open to making new friends. Time your approach to a relaxed moment. Then smile, introduce yourself along the lines.

“Hey! I hope I’m not interrupting your night. I just moved here and haven’t really met any other lesbians. You two seem like a rad couple. Maybe I could buy you a drink in exchange for any tips on getting around and meeting people in this town? I’m not a creep, I swear!”

Then ask LOTS of questions, listen intently and make eye contact, and be open about who you are and what you like to do. Before you meet new people, it’s helpful to have a few snappy tidbits about yourself ready to go. An pithy comment about your job, an explanation for why you moved that doesn’t start with, “It’s actually a long , kind of depressing story.” When people ask me why I moved to LA, I’ll respond, “The hell of it,” “Nothing better to do,” “Adventure,” or “It’s pretty.” Don’t talk about your ex/family/mental/friend issues, but feel free to make jokes at your own expense. Don’t name drop; do drop names of your fave TV show/website/movie/whatever to find common ground. Most of all, keep them dominating the conversation. Everyone loves to talk about herself.

Or just pull up this article on your phone, show it to them, and ask, “Would that work?”

Dear Biffle or Beezy,

I’m new to queer life and am freaking out because THERES SO MANY COOL GIRLS. HOW DO I TALK TO HOT GIRLS WHO ARE COOL WHEN IM A NERD?

Hugs,

Not Cool

Dear Not Cool,

No one is cool. Cool is a social construct. Deep down in our grimy little souls, we are all quavering wannabes longing for acceptance, approval, and respect.

First of all, welcome! Homosexuality is a super fun lifestyle. You’ll love it! Now that you’re officially a recruit, you’ll wanna stay calm and observe. Not in a stalker way, although I think every modern baby dyke goes through a phase of longingly cyber stalking those cool, hot lesbian types on tumblr/Instagram/Twitter/Facebook/whatever the kids are using these days. You grow out of it.

Meeting, befriending, and attracting lesbians is the hardest social ritual in modern society. Straight people bitch constantly but have the majority population to choose from, and gay men have Grindr and flamboyance. Everything lesbians have (plaid, beanies, kicks, Tegan and Sara, the abbey, Orange is the New Black) straight people reappropriate with blithe entitlement.

In this piece, I can’t cover all the nuances of your question (although maybe that’s a future article), but I can’t give you some pointers on socializing without making everyone hate you. My answer to the question above is a good starting point.

  1. Don’t talk about The L Word. IT’S OVER. Get some new material.
  2. Open with a sincere yet superficial compliment, followed by a question.
  3. Wait a couple minutes before asking what they do for a living. Chances are, you don’t really want to know.
  4. Approach a girl indirectly, chatting with her friends before moving on to her.
  5. Keep it natural and friendly. No sexual comments/lavish praise. She’ll wonder if you’re insincere or slutty.
  6. Buy her a damn drink.
  7. At the end of the night, get her number. Text her the next day. Say you had fun, ask how her day went, DON’T USE THE DAMN WINKY EMOJI. Smiley emoji. Much chiller. After a few days of texting, ask her TO DINNER. Pick her up, take her to a casual but tasty restaurant, be yourself but keep the weird shiz on lock for a couple months.

Ask Chloë a question on Tumblr or Twitter.

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