Dear Biffle or Beezy,
How do you distance yourself from someone you realized that you’ve outgrown but there’s been no fallout? It’s actually my closest friend. I realized we honestly don’t have that much in common, just that we both went through that “Shane” phase at the same time lol. She doesn’t really have any drive, then I see not so close friends working their asses off to be where they want in their career, or people that are in a shitty job but excelling in other ways by constantly experiencing new things.
Dear Beyond Basics,
GIRL, this letter speaks to me. At 25, I’ve officially moved from the chaotic shitshow of early 20s and into the more mundane but still perplexing mid-20 years. Here’s an unfortunate little truth: In order to go anywhere, you have to leave something—or in this case someone- behind. Whether that means moving physically, or mentally going from one place to another, there’s an undeniable element of sadness to any growth. You’re right to feel conflicted; if you weren’t, it would mean you didn’t care about a friend.
Just last week, I ended a friendship with someone I once called “one of my best friends.” Frankly, I handled it all wrong. She’d been shady, condescending and flat out deceitful for months, but I kept making excuses and brushing my dwindling affection under the rug. Finally, the issues climaxed in a drunken screaming match and her being blocked from every aspect of my life. It sucked and I cried for hours.
Learn from my mistakes: Do NOT DO what I did. Instead, listen to your gut. Your friend hasn’t done anything seriously wrong, but you don’t want to be friends with her anymore. I’m guessing there’s probably more to the story. You sound like a smart, kind person who wants to surround herself with successful, ambitious, like minded folk. It’s OK to get older and be pickier about your friends. You’ve already taken the first step: acknowledging the issue—now comes the tricky part.
Ideally, you’ll be able to distance yourself from this friendship without anyone getting hurt. Make a point of doing things that you’d want to do, but she’d be too immature to enjoy. Anywhere without a bar is a good bet. Don’t be condescending or snarky to this friend about the changes you’re making. That will make her fucking hate you, and you don’t need that drama.
If she reaches out to talk about your polite disappearing act, don’t make excuses, lie, or string her along. At the same time, be extremely careful of how you phrase the issue. Say “I” not “you.” “I want to drink less,” “I want to focus on my career,” “I don’t want no scrub.”
Be real, BE NICE, and end the friendship on a positive note.
Verdict: Your friend isn’t a biffle or beezy; she’s just not the right friend for you. Ending a friendship is often just as devastating and heartbreaking as ending a relationship. Be kind.