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The Hook Up: Languishing libidos and biphobic boyfriends

There’s this girl, her name is Bi. Her last boyfriend, Cheater, cheated on her for months. Despite this, she had the hardest time getting over him. When she finally realized how awful he was, she met a new guy, Phobic. Phobic doesn’t know that Bi sometimes likes the ladies. He treats her really well, spoiling her, and being really understanding about all of the drama in her past. She’s never had a boyfriend treat her so well.

Then there’s Me. Me and Bi have been best friends for practically their whole lives. Last year Me admitted she had feelings for Bi. Bi returned them, but was scared and ran. It almost ruined their friendship. Me has worked really hard to get over her feelings, but she isn’t sure that Bi is over them. Me is also concerned about the new boyfriend’s homophobia. Phobic treats Bi well, but doesn’t know everything about her, so his affection is conditional. Me is also afraid to meet this guy, even though he doesn’t know she prefers the company of women.

Should she say something to Bi? If yes, then what should Me say? Did this make any sense at all? —Concerned Friend

Anna Says: Wow, you really went to town on those pseudonyms, Concerned Friend aka Me. I feel like I just read a question from Sesame Street‘s Cookie Monster. Your pseudonyms definitely say a lot about your feelings concerning the men in your friend’s life-Phobic and Cheater, eh?-but let’s not dwell on it.

So you’re afraid to meet your sorta friend/sorta crush’s new boyfriend because you like ladies and he is supposedly homophobic. What’s the real question here? Are you concerned that he’s going to make snide comments about Amber Heard or otherwise cause a scene — reverse-glitter bomb you or something-or is it something else? Are you worried that meeting him will make you feel jealous?

In other words, what do you want to say to Bi-sorry, what do Me want to say? It kinda feels like those feelings you worked so hard to stuff down didn’t get stuffed all the way down, that they are in fact spilling out over the tops of your mittens and onto your keyboard. It seems like these feelings are affecting your other feelings toward your friend’s new boyfriend, hence the derision and pseudonymsults (that’s pseudonym insults, for those who prefer real worlds). Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure your concern is partly coming from a platonic, friendly place, but you seem to have a pretty big dose of The Feels for a rather benign situation, which is, what? Going to brunch with your friend and her bf? I wasn’t entirely sure about that part of your letter. Also, how do you know he’s homophobic if you’ve never met? Does he wear Duck F*ck Dynasty shirts or something?

Your friend should obviously come clean about her lady-lovin’ past, but it’s up to her when and how to reveal that to her new paramour. You can politely nudge her in that direction but that’s about all you can do. If your primary interest is maintaining your friendship with this gal, then you should meet her boyfriend, if for no other reason than it’s bound to happen eventually anyway, so why put off the inevitable? Try to keep an open mind-remember you did say several times that this guy treats your friend well. If you are legitimately concerned he’s going to make disparaging comments about lesbians, then now may be the time to whip out that “No one knows I’m a lesbian T-shirt” you bought at that women’s music festival but haven’t worn since. Be your big queer self, in other words. If the boyfriend is a dick to you for it, then you can dislike him in earnest and try to passively sabotage their relationship with underhanded comments and inappropriate flirtation. (Not really! She’ll figure it out on her own eventually).

In the meantime, don’t neglect your own heart, my friend. If, deep-down, you’ve still got some squishy feelings toward your friend, don’t passively ignore them and hope they’ll go away. Take some time apart from her, reinvest in yourself and your life goals, and try not to dwell too much on O.P.P. (other people’s problems). I know it’s hard not to, but you’re too awesome to make your friend’s dude choices your primary concern.

Now somebody bring Me a cookie (and by Me, I mean me).

I have been in a relationship with a bisexual girl for about 10 months. We have a pretty OK relationship. We have our strong differences but there are things about her that I do adore. However, we are having some bedroom issues.

Background story: In Feb. 2013, she went for an operation to remove a couple of cysts in her womb and she has been put on the mini pill ever since. And from then, our sex life has gone from hero to zero. We have had many chats (both peaceful and heated) about its lack thereof and she has said on many occasions that she will decide when we have sex. She said it’s her body and she has a right to decide what someone else can do with it.

I definitely have a higher libido than she does and I’m not sure if it is because she has had sex with people who have been demanding and have forced themselves on her. But all this is making me afraid to initiate sex for fear of rejection. Yet I feel that it’s unfair that sex should solely be on her terms only.

I do not want to jeopardize the relationship-I know sex isn’t everything but I don’t feel the intimacy with her. It seems that she only wants sex when she’s drunk or when she feels like it. Please help. I don’t know what else to do.–Need Help

Anna Says: OK, I will help you with your “pretty OK relationship,” Need Help. But I would also like to go on the record saying you deserve a pretty f*cking awesome relationship, and not simply an OK one.

Your girlfriend is both right and wrong-of course, it’s her choice if/when she wants to have sex. Everyone gets to make that choice. But it’s not helpful or even fair for her to say that sex can only happen when she feels like it and never when you do. That line of argument seems to imply that you are selfish for even asking to have sex with your girlfriend, which is weird and a little slut-shamey. You have desires and needs and feelings that your girlfriend is effectively shutting down. Since the talking hasn’t been getting you anywhere (has this really been happening for almost a year?!), and your needs aren’t being met, then it’s probably time to get them met elsewhere. Whether this means opening your relationship up or starting over, I don’t know. But continuing the way you’ve been (seriously, for a year!) is clearly making you miserable. And yes, sex isn’t everything, but it’s also not nothing, and if it’s important to you, then it’s important to you and your girlfriend shouldn’t treat sex like she’s bartering in a hostage situation.

I suppose it’s also possible that she’s had some shitty sexual things happen to her in the past that would make her guarded or triggered, but if that is the case, then you’d think she’d have at least brought them up once or twice. It’s also possible that her surgery left her with some residual pain that makes sex less than fun, but again, I don’t know why she wouldn’t have mentioned that in your many discussions. And the pill also affects one’s libido, of course, though it generally doesn’t make people withhold sex until they are intoxicated.

You talked about a loss of intimacy too, which means your problems run deeper than mere orgasms, and is, in my experience, more difficult to remedy. I am genuinely sorry though. Differing sex drives are one of the most common problems couples face. Decisions and fights around them are also intensely personal, and often quite righteous.

If she’s not willing to compromise by either tossing you a bone once in a while or letting you get your boned tossed elsewhere, then ask yourself if you would be happy to live this way indefinitely. My guess is the answer is no, but well, that’s your choice to make too.

Best of luck, NH. I hope you go from pretty OK to way OK (Gay OK?) sooner than later.

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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