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“Work Out” Recaps: Episode 3.9 “Results Are In”

The end is near – Welcome to the season finale, fitness and/or drama lovers. Seems like only a decade ago we met this year’s SkyLab clients, new trainers and Jackie’s showmance du jour, Briana “Save the Drama for Your Mama” Stockton.

Who could forget SkyLabber Deenie bawling like a baby during boot camp? Or Rebecca making new friends on an Olivia cruise? Or Brian Peeler getting s—-canned? And Sarah Warn helpfully reminded me that s—-canned is spelled with a hyphen. Phew, good times.

Homeland security – Last week, after a long day of taping bloopers for her hardcore fitness DVD, Jackie came home to find Briana’s oddly unattended cell phone, which was just screaming to be snooped through. Who leaves the house without their cell? But the bigger question is: Why is Jackie invading Briana’s privacy?

After avoiding the temptation for a whole 10 seconds, Jackie broke down and read Briana’s text messages. Somewhere between smiley emoticons from her sisters and suggestions from Bravo producers to pick a fight, throw a glass or accidentally lose her pants, Jackie finds a message from Briana’s ex that says, “I love you.” Jackie’s head promptly explodes.

Today, Jackie and Briana are in couples’ therapy.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Rebecca: Jackie is a strong, sexy, smart woman. And I fell for her. And the chemistry that we have is unparalleled. But at the end of the day, I am friends with Jackie and I am there for her if she needs to talk to me.

If only Rebecca were gay. Or if only Jackie was a dude. If only I had a billion dollars. Everyone would be so happy.

They sit down to discuss the Briana sitch. Rebecca reminds Jackie that Briana is so young that her mind is “still developing,” as if she’s a fetus with a nose stud and a cell phone.

Jackie admits she can be immature, too (No! Really?), but their actual age difference might end up being a deal-breaker.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Renessa: Are you OK? Rebecca: Yeah, I’m better today. I’ve only had one rebound. That’s pretty good, right?

Renessa smirks knowingly. Rebecca admits she was tipsy and bumped uglies with a friend she’s known for five years. When did she start working for Jackie, again?

The girls watch with alarm as Greg dumps nine tablespoons of salt into a bowl. OK, maybe he’s no Top Chef, but at least he’s trying. I misjudged this guy. I’m sorry I ever called him Plitoris.

Greg starts to plate some weird halibut and mayo dish. Rebecca tries a piece and almost barfs.

Who wants to order pizza?

Leaving – Alone in the house with Pichu and a camera crew, Briana carries her bag to the front door. She sets her things down and goes into the kitchen to leave Jackie a goodbye note.

She signs it with an “XOXO” and picks Pichu up for one last hug. Grabbing her bag, her keys and the leash of a pug I’ve never seen before, Briana walks out of the house. Pichu stares at the front door, as he always does when Briana leaves. It’s always the kids who suffer the most.

Five seconds later Jackie comes back, as if she were lurking in the bushes. She reads the note and promptly throws it in the trash.

If there aren’t any reminders, there isn’t any problem, right? Shewt, everyone knows that.

Jackie sits down and immediately calls her personal 911. Over at Plitt’s Fish Shack, Rebecca’s ass starts buzzing and it’s not diarrhea from Greg’s halibut.

When the boss calls – Rebecca goes in the other room to take Jackie’s call. She hears her say that Briana’s “very clearly jeopar – made her decision.” That was an interesting slip o’ the tongue.

When your girlfriend refuses to tell you anything more than “Do whatever you want” and “It’s up to you,” it’s a trap. Right after they invented passive-aggressiveness, they invented this little game. Don’t fall for it, people!

Jackie then asks Rebecca, “Can you just please get your things and leave?” Jackie’s cry for help has Rebecca out the door so fast she doesn’t have time eat, which is just as well, because Greg’s idea of flavor comes with bonus hypertension.

After Rebecca leaves, hookup buddies Renessa and Greg are alone and sober for the first time. They sit down to eat Greg’s home-cooked dinner, and within minutes they realize something astonishing: They bore the crap out of each other. Heh. Another showmance hits the skids.

Rebecca comes running –Rebecca makes it over to Jackie’s in no time flat because when the one you admire most needs you, you become blind to stop lights.

Rebecca: Jackie is a strong, sexy, smart woman. And I fell for her. And the chemistry that we have is unparalleled. But at the end of the day, I am friends with Jackie and I am there for her if she needs to talk to me.

If only Rebecca were gay. Or if only Jackie was a dude. If only I had a billion dollars. Everyone would be so happy.

They sit down to discuss the Briana sitch. Rebecca reminds Jackie that Briana is so young that her mind is “still developing,” as if she’s a fetus with a nose stud and a cell phone.

Jackie admits she can be immature, too (No! Really?), but their actual age difference might end up being a deal-breaker.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Jackie: Go on. Briana: “Go on” as in, you want me to leave now? Jackie: No, I’m saying that’s fine. Briana: We need to come to a compromise. Jackie: I just said, “Do whatever you want.”

Silence fills the room. Jackie sighs. Briana stares. Down the hallway, Pichu growls once. Stillness. Grass is growing, glaciers are melting, and I’m not getting any younger over here.

If Ingmar Bergman had been a lesbian, this is what it would have been like.

Eventually, Jackie gets up to go to her movie; I guess she’s still going to try and catch the 8:15 p.m. showing of Kung Fu Panda. Briana lies motionless on the bed and says lifelessly, “Enjoy your movie.”

What straight people do while we’re processing –Elsewhere, Greg has invited Renessa over for dinner.

Cooking for his date in his tidy, well-appointed house, with his pink shirt, hair product and manicured eyebrows, Greg Plitt is the very model of the metrosexual muscle man.

Renessa called ahead to say she’s bringing a third. Not that kind of third, you perv. Rebecca is tagging along because she’s newly single and lonely.

Renessa: Are you OK? Rebecca: Yeah, I’m better today. I’ve only had one rebound. That’s pretty good, right?

Renessa smirks knowingly. Rebecca admits she was tipsy and bumped uglies with a friend she’s known for five years. When did she start working for Jackie, again?

The girls watch with alarm as Greg dumps nine tablespoons of salt into a bowl. OK, maybe he’s no Top Chef, but at least he’s trying. I misjudged this guy. I’m sorry I ever called him Plitoris.

Greg starts to plate some weird halibut and mayo dish. Rebecca tries a piece and almost barfs.

Who wants to order pizza?

Leaving – Alone in the house with Pichu and a camera crew, Briana carries her bag to the front door. She sets her things down and goes into the kitchen to leave Jackie a goodbye note.

She signs it with an “XOXO” and picks Pichu up for one last hug. Grabbing her bag, her keys and the leash of a pug I’ve never seen before, Briana walks out of the house. Pichu stares at the front door, as he always does when Briana leaves. It’s always the kids who suffer the most.

Five seconds later Jackie comes back, as if she were lurking in the bushes. She reads the note and promptly throws it in the trash.

If there aren’t any reminders, there isn’t any problem, right? Shewt, everyone knows that.

Jackie sits down and immediately calls her personal 911. Over at Plitt’s Fish Shack, Rebecca’s ass starts buzzing and it’s not diarrhea from Greg’s halibut.

When the boss calls – Rebecca goes in the other room to take Jackie’s call. She hears her say that Briana’s “very clearly jeopar – made her decision.” That was an interesting slip o’ the tongue.

When your girlfriend refuses to tell you anything more than “Do whatever you want” and “It’s up to you,” it’s a trap. Right after they invented passive-aggressiveness, they invented this little game. Don’t fall for it, people!

Jackie then asks Rebecca, “Can you just please get your things and leave?” Jackie’s cry for help has Rebecca out the door so fast she doesn’t have time eat, which is just as well, because Greg’s idea of flavor comes with bonus hypertension.

After Rebecca leaves, hookup buddies Renessa and Greg are alone and sober for the first time. They sit down to eat Greg’s home-cooked dinner, and within minutes they realize something astonishing: They bore the crap out of each other. Heh. Another showmance hits the skids.

Rebecca comes running –Rebecca makes it over to Jackie’s in no time flat because when the one you admire most needs you, you become blind to stop lights.

Rebecca: Jackie is a strong, sexy, smart woman. And I fell for her. And the chemistry that we have is unparalleled. But at the end of the day, I am friends with Jackie and I am there for her if she needs to talk to me.

If only Rebecca were gay. Or if only Jackie was a dude. If only I had a billion dollars. Everyone would be so happy.

They sit down to discuss the Briana sitch. Rebecca reminds Jackie that Briana is so young that her mind is “still developing,” as if she’s a fetus with a nose stud and a cell phone.

Jackie admits she can be immature, too (No! Really?), but their actual age difference might end up being a deal-breaker.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Briana: Anything you want to talk about? Jackie: Mmm, no. You? Briana: Not if you have nothing to talk about. No. I mean, I guess we’re OK. Jackie: I definitely feel tension between us. Briana: Oh, well, no doubt. Maybe a few days … I don’t know. Do you need time? Jackie: It’s up to you. Briana: Well, it’s not really up to me. It’s up to us.

What are you thinking? I dunno, what are you thinking? What are you saying? That depends, what are you saying? Are you saying what you’re thinking, because you better be thinking about what you’re saying.

Is it possible to OD on lesbians?

Suddenly, they’re talking about having some alone time. Jackie doesn’t understand how they went from her going to a movie to spending a few days apart. How that happens, no one knows. It’s one of the great mysteries of lesbian life.

Jackie wants her alone time, but she also wants to have Briana nearby – like, say, in the guest bedroom. Briana doesn’t want to sleep in the guest room while knowing Jackie is in their room; she’d rather just stay at a friend’s house.

Jackie: Go on. Briana: “Go on” as in, you want me to leave now? Jackie: No, I’m saying that’s fine. Briana: We need to come to a compromise. Jackie: I just said, “Do whatever you want.”

Silence fills the room. Jackie sighs. Briana stares. Down the hallway, Pichu growls once. Stillness. Grass is growing, glaciers are melting, and I’m not getting any younger over here.

If Ingmar Bergman had been a lesbian, this is what it would have been like.

Eventually, Jackie gets up to go to her movie; I guess she’s still going to try and catch the 8:15 p.m. showing of Kung Fu Panda. Briana lies motionless on the bed and says lifelessly, “Enjoy your movie.”

What straight people do while we’re processing –Elsewhere, Greg has invited Renessa over for dinner.

Cooking for his date in his tidy, well-appointed house, with his pink shirt, hair product and manicured eyebrows, Greg Plitt is the very model of the metrosexual muscle man.

Renessa called ahead to say she’s bringing a third. Not that kind of third, you perv. Rebecca is tagging along because she’s newly single and lonely.

Renessa: Are you OK? Rebecca: Yeah, I’m better today. I’ve only had one rebound. That’s pretty good, right?

Renessa smirks knowingly. Rebecca admits she was tipsy and bumped uglies with a friend she’s known for five years. When did she start working for Jackie, again?

The girls watch with alarm as Greg dumps nine tablespoons of salt into a bowl. OK, maybe he’s no Top Chef, but at least he’s trying. I misjudged this guy. I’m sorry I ever called him Plitoris.

Greg starts to plate some weird halibut and mayo dish. Rebecca tries a piece and almost barfs.

Who wants to order pizza?

Leaving – Alone in the house with Pichu and a camera crew, Briana carries her bag to the front door. She sets her things down and goes into the kitchen to leave Jackie a goodbye note.

She signs it with an “XOXO” and picks Pichu up for one last hug. Grabbing her bag, her keys and the leash of a pug I’ve never seen before, Briana walks out of the house. Pichu stares at the front door, as he always does when Briana leaves. It’s always the kids who suffer the most.

Five seconds later Jackie comes back, as if she were lurking in the bushes. She reads the note and promptly throws it in the trash.

If there aren’t any reminders, there isn’t any problem, right? Shewt, everyone knows that.

Jackie sits down and immediately calls her personal 911. Over at Plitt’s Fish Shack, Rebecca’s ass starts buzzing and it’s not diarrhea from Greg’s halibut.

When the boss calls – Rebecca goes in the other room to take Jackie’s call. She hears her say that Briana’s “very clearly jeopar – made her decision.” That was an interesting slip o’ the tongue.

When your girlfriend refuses to tell you anything more than “Do whatever you want” and “It’s up to you,” it’s a trap. Right after they invented passive-aggressiveness, they invented this little game. Don’t fall for it, people!

Jackie then asks Rebecca, “Can you just please get your things and leave?” Jackie’s cry for help has Rebecca out the door so fast she doesn’t have time eat, which is just as well, because Greg’s idea of flavor comes with bonus hypertension.

After Rebecca leaves, hookup buddies Renessa and Greg are alone and sober for the first time. They sit down to eat Greg’s home-cooked dinner, and within minutes they realize something astonishing: They bore the crap out of each other. Heh. Another showmance hits the skids.

Rebecca comes running –Rebecca makes it over to Jackie’s in no time flat because when the one you admire most needs you, you become blind to stop lights.

Rebecca: Jackie is a strong, sexy, smart woman. And I fell for her. And the chemistry that we have is unparalleled. But at the end of the day, I am friends with Jackie and I am there for her if she needs to talk to me.

If only Rebecca were gay. Or if only Jackie was a dude. If only I had a billion dollars. Everyone would be so happy.

They sit down to discuss the Briana sitch. Rebecca reminds Jackie that Briana is so young that her mind is “still developing,” as if she’s a fetus with a nose stud and a cell phone.

Jackie admits she can be immature, too (No! Really?), but their actual age difference might end up being a deal-breaker.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Briana: Why? What were you thinking? Jackie: I was thinking maybe I’d go to the movies. Briana: You going to the movies alone? Or you want to go to the movies together? Jackie: What do you want to do? Briana: Well, you said you would go to the movies. You didn’t say, “Do you want to go to the movies?” Jackie: Well, I was planning on going to the movies alone, but I would like for you to come, if you’d like to. Briana: Well, if you were “planning,” are you just saying you want time alone? What are you saying?

What are either of you saying? This is worse than the worst lesbian movie I’ve ever seen.

Please shoot me – Two minutes later, the clothes are folded, Jackie and Briana are lying on the bed, and we get this exchange.

Briana: Anything you want to talk about? Jackie: Mmm, no. You? Briana: Not if you have nothing to talk about. No. I mean, I guess we’re OK. Jackie: I definitely feel tension between us. Briana: Oh, well, no doubt. Maybe a few days … I don’t know. Do you need time? Jackie: It’s up to you. Briana: Well, it’s not really up to me. It’s up to us.

What are you thinking? I dunno, what are you thinking? What are you saying? That depends, what are you saying? Are you saying what you’re thinking, because you better be thinking about what you’re saying.

Is it possible to OD on lesbians?

Suddenly, they’re talking about having some alone time. Jackie doesn’t understand how they went from her going to a movie to spending a few days apart. How that happens, no one knows. It’s one of the great mysteries of lesbian life.

Jackie wants her alone time, but she also wants to have Briana nearby – like, say, in the guest bedroom. Briana doesn’t want to sleep in the guest room while knowing Jackie is in their room; she’d rather just stay at a friend’s house.

Jackie: Go on. Briana: “Go on” as in, you want me to leave now? Jackie: No, I’m saying that’s fine. Briana: We need to come to a compromise. Jackie: I just said, “Do whatever you want.”

Silence fills the room. Jackie sighs. Briana stares. Down the hallway, Pichu growls once. Stillness. Grass is growing, glaciers are melting, and I’m not getting any younger over here.

If Ingmar Bergman had been a lesbian, this is what it would have been like.

Eventually, Jackie gets up to go to her movie; I guess she’s still going to try and catch the 8:15 p.m. showing of Kung Fu Panda. Briana lies motionless on the bed and says lifelessly, “Enjoy your movie.”

What straight people do while we’re processing –Elsewhere, Greg has invited Renessa over for dinner.

Cooking for his date in his tidy, well-appointed house, with his pink shirt, hair product and manicured eyebrows, Greg Plitt is the very model of the metrosexual muscle man.

Renessa called ahead to say she’s bringing a third. Not that kind of third, you perv. Rebecca is tagging along because she’s newly single and lonely.

Renessa: Are you OK? Rebecca: Yeah, I’m better today. I’ve only had one rebound. That’s pretty good, right?

Renessa smirks knowingly. Rebecca admits she was tipsy and bumped uglies with a friend she’s known for five years. When did she start working for Jackie, again?

The girls watch with alarm as Greg dumps nine tablespoons of salt into a bowl. OK, maybe he’s no Top Chef, but at least he’s trying. I misjudged this guy. I’m sorry I ever called him Plitoris.

Greg starts to plate some weird halibut and mayo dish. Rebecca tries a piece and almost barfs.

Who wants to order pizza?

Leaving – Alone in the house with Pichu and a camera crew, Briana carries her bag to the front door. She sets her things down and goes into the kitchen to leave Jackie a goodbye note.

She signs it with an “XOXO” and picks Pichu up for one last hug. Grabbing her bag, her keys and the leash of a pug I’ve never seen before, Briana walks out of the house. Pichu stares at the front door, as he always does when Briana leaves. It’s always the kids who suffer the most.

Five seconds later Jackie comes back, as if she were lurking in the bushes. She reads the note and promptly throws it in the trash.

If there aren’t any reminders, there isn’t any problem, right? Shewt, everyone knows that.

Jackie sits down and immediately calls her personal 911. Over at Plitt’s Fish Shack, Rebecca’s ass starts buzzing and it’s not diarrhea from Greg’s halibut.

When the boss calls – Rebecca goes in the other room to take Jackie’s call. She hears her say that Briana’s “very clearly jeopar – made her decision.” That was an interesting slip o’ the tongue.

When your girlfriend refuses to tell you anything more than “Do whatever you want” and “It’s up to you,” it’s a trap. Right after they invented passive-aggressiveness, they invented this little game. Don’t fall for it, people!

Jackie then asks Rebecca, “Can you just please get your things and leave?” Jackie’s cry for help has Rebecca out the door so fast she doesn’t have time eat, which is just as well, because Greg’s idea of flavor comes with bonus hypertension.

After Rebecca leaves, hookup buddies Renessa and Greg are alone and sober for the first time. They sit down to eat Greg’s home-cooked dinner, and within minutes they realize something astonishing: They bore the crap out of each other. Heh. Another showmance hits the skids.

Rebecca comes running –Rebecca makes it over to Jackie’s in no time flat because when the one you admire most needs you, you become blind to stop lights.

Rebecca: Jackie is a strong, sexy, smart woman. And I fell for her. And the chemistry that we have is unparalleled. But at the end of the day, I am friends with Jackie and I am there for her if she needs to talk to me.

If only Rebecca were gay. Or if only Jackie was a dude. If only I had a billion dollars. Everyone would be so happy.

They sit down to discuss the Briana sitch. Rebecca reminds Jackie that Briana is so young that her mind is “still developing,” as if she’s a fetus with a nose stud and a cell phone.

Jackie admits she can be immature, too (No! Really?), but their actual age difference might end up being a deal-breaker.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Jackie: And she’s all about me. And she’s been very supportive in so many ways. This is why I’m so floored because the lying that went [on] behind me, that she deceived me.

Jesse reminds Jackie that Briana is “a child.” Mature and wise Jackie declares that she doesn’t want to look at a woman in her 20s ever again. And she really means it this time. Seriously. For real now. Honest.

The last weigh-in – The next day, there are more upbeat, positive things to focus on. It’s the last weigh-in for the SkyLab kids. Most of them started out with body fat in the 30-40 percent range. Deenie came in at a whopping 54 percent body fat. Improvement is not an option; it’s non-negotiable if they want to live past 60. There is no such thing as an old fat person.

Everyone got off to a slow start, but Jackie reports the numbers are looking good. She scribbles weigh-in information on her super-secret clipboard. The final results require a calculator, some calipers and possibly Excel macros. In any event, the big reveal won’t be ready for a few days.

Those awesome communication skillz –Later that night, Briana and Jackie are in the bedroom. There are clothes everywhere. Sadly, they’re not having makeup sex. It’s laundry night. Or moving night, possibly. Whatever else it is, it’s definitely processing night.

They eye each other uneasily. Finally, Jackie breaks the lengthy silence and asks Briana what her plans are for the evening.

Briana: Why? What were you thinking? Jackie: I was thinking maybe I’d go to the movies. Briana: You going to the movies alone? Or you want to go to the movies together? Jackie: What do you want to do? Briana: Well, you said you would go to the movies. You didn’t say, “Do you want to go to the movies?” Jackie: Well, I was planning on going to the movies alone, but I would like for you to come, if you’d like to. Briana: Well, if you were “planning,” are you just saying you want time alone? What are you saying?

What are either of you saying? This is worse than the worst lesbian movie I’ve ever seen.

Please shoot me – Two minutes later, the clothes are folded, Jackie and Briana are lying on the bed, and we get this exchange.

Briana: Anything you want to talk about? Jackie: Mmm, no. You? Briana: Not if you have nothing to talk about. No. I mean, I guess we’re OK. Jackie: I definitely feel tension between us. Briana: Oh, well, no doubt. Maybe a few days … I don’t know. Do you need time? Jackie: It’s up to you. Briana: Well, it’s not really up to me. It’s up to us.

What are you thinking? I dunno, what are you thinking? What are you saying? That depends, what are you saying? Are you saying what you’re thinking, because you better be thinking about what you’re saying.

Is it possible to OD on lesbians?

Suddenly, they’re talking about having some alone time. Jackie doesn’t understand how they went from her going to a movie to spending a few days apart. How that happens, no one knows. It’s one of the great mysteries of lesbian life.

Jackie wants her alone time, but she also wants to have Briana nearby – like, say, in the guest bedroom. Briana doesn’t want to sleep in the guest room while knowing Jackie is in their room; she’d rather just stay at a friend’s house.

Jackie: Go on. Briana: “Go on” as in, you want me to leave now? Jackie: No, I’m saying that’s fine. Briana: We need to come to a compromise. Jackie: I just said, “Do whatever you want.”

Silence fills the room. Jackie sighs. Briana stares. Down the hallway, Pichu growls once. Stillness. Grass is growing, glaciers are melting, and I’m not getting any younger over here.

If Ingmar Bergman had been a lesbian, this is what it would have been like.

Eventually, Jackie gets up to go to her movie; I guess she’s still going to try and catch the 8:15 p.m. showing of Kung Fu Panda. Briana lies motionless on the bed and says lifelessly, “Enjoy your movie.”

What straight people do while we’re processing –Elsewhere, Greg has invited Renessa over for dinner.

Cooking for his date in his tidy, well-appointed house, with his pink shirt, hair product and manicured eyebrows, Greg Plitt is the very model of the metrosexual muscle man.

Renessa called ahead to say she’s bringing a third. Not that kind of third, you perv. Rebecca is tagging along because she’s newly single and lonely.

Renessa: Are you OK? Rebecca: Yeah, I’m better today. I’ve only had one rebound. That’s pretty good, right?

Renessa smirks knowingly. Rebecca admits she was tipsy and bumped uglies with a friend she’s known for five years. When did she start working for Jackie, again?

The girls watch with alarm as Greg dumps nine tablespoons of salt into a bowl. OK, maybe he’s no Top Chef, but at least he’s trying. I misjudged this guy. I’m sorry I ever called him Plitoris.

Greg starts to plate some weird halibut and mayo dish. Rebecca tries a piece and almost barfs.

Who wants to order pizza?

Leaving – Alone in the house with Pichu and a camera crew, Briana carries her bag to the front door. She sets her things down and goes into the kitchen to leave Jackie a goodbye note.

She signs it with an “XOXO” and picks Pichu up for one last hug. Grabbing her bag, her keys and the leash of a pug I’ve never seen before, Briana walks out of the house. Pichu stares at the front door, as he always does when Briana leaves. It’s always the kids who suffer the most.

Five seconds later Jackie comes back, as if she were lurking in the bushes. She reads the note and promptly throws it in the trash.

If there aren’t any reminders, there isn’t any problem, right? Shewt, everyone knows that.

Jackie sits down and immediately calls her personal 911. Over at Plitt’s Fish Shack, Rebecca’s ass starts buzzing and it’s not diarrhea from Greg’s halibut.

When the boss calls – Rebecca goes in the other room to take Jackie’s call. She hears her say that Briana’s “very clearly jeopar – made her decision.” That was an interesting slip o’ the tongue.

When your girlfriend refuses to tell you anything more than “Do whatever you want” and “It’s up to you,” it’s a trap. Right after they invented passive-aggressiveness, they invented this little game. Don’t fall for it, people!

Jackie then asks Rebecca, “Can you just please get your things and leave?” Jackie’s cry for help has Rebecca out the door so fast she doesn’t have time eat, which is just as well, because Greg’s idea of flavor comes with bonus hypertension.

After Rebecca leaves, hookup buddies Renessa and Greg are alone and sober for the first time. They sit down to eat Greg’s home-cooked dinner, and within minutes they realize something astonishing: They bore the crap out of each other. Heh. Another showmance hits the skids.

Rebecca comes running –Rebecca makes it over to Jackie’s in no time flat because when the one you admire most needs you, you become blind to stop lights.

Rebecca: Jackie is a strong, sexy, smart woman. And I fell for her. And the chemistry that we have is unparalleled. But at the end of the day, I am friends with Jackie and I am there for her if she needs to talk to me.

If only Rebecca were gay. Or if only Jackie was a dude. If only I had a billion dollars. Everyone would be so happy.

They sit down to discuss the Briana sitch. Rebecca reminds Jackie that Briana is so young that her mind is “still developing,” as if she’s a fetus with a nose stud and a cell phone.

Jackie admits she can be immature, too (No! Really?), but their actual age difference might end up being a deal-breaker.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Jackie: Here’s the thing you guys don’t know: She adores me.

Check, please.

Jackie: And she’s all about me. And she’s been very supportive in so many ways. This is why I’m so floored because the lying that went [on] behind me, that she deceived me.

Jesse reminds Jackie that Briana is “a child.” Mature and wise Jackie declares that she doesn’t want to look at a woman in her 20s ever again. And she really means it this time. Seriously. For real now. Honest.

The last weigh-in – The next day, there are more upbeat, positive things to focus on. It’s the last weigh-in for the SkyLab kids. Most of them started out with body fat in the 30-40 percent range. Deenie came in at a whopping 54 percent body fat. Improvement is not an option; it’s non-negotiable if they want to live past 60. There is no such thing as an old fat person.

Everyone got off to a slow start, but Jackie reports the numbers are looking good. She scribbles weigh-in information on her super-secret clipboard. The final results require a calculator, some calipers and possibly Excel macros. In any event, the big reveal won’t be ready for a few days.

Those awesome communication skillz –Later that night, Briana and Jackie are in the bedroom. There are clothes everywhere. Sadly, they’re not having makeup sex. It’s laundry night. Or moving night, possibly. Whatever else it is, it’s definitely processing night.

They eye each other uneasily. Finally, Jackie breaks the lengthy silence and asks Briana what her plans are for the evening.

Briana: Why? What were you thinking? Jackie: I was thinking maybe I’d go to the movies. Briana: You going to the movies alone? Or you want to go to the movies together? Jackie: What do you want to do? Briana: Well, you said you would go to the movies. You didn’t say, “Do you want to go to the movies?” Jackie: Well, I was planning on going to the movies alone, but I would like for you to come, if you’d like to. Briana: Well, if you were “planning,” are you just saying you want time alone? What are you saying?

What are either of you saying? This is worse than the worst lesbian movie I’ve ever seen.

Please shoot me – Two minutes later, the clothes are folded, Jackie and Briana are lying on the bed, and we get this exchange.

Briana: Anything you want to talk about? Jackie: Mmm, no. You? Briana: Not if you have nothing to talk about. No. I mean, I guess we’re OK. Jackie: I definitely feel tension between us. Briana: Oh, well, no doubt. Maybe a few days … I don’t know. Do you need time? Jackie: It’s up to you. Briana: Well, it’s not really up to me. It’s up to us.

What are you thinking? I dunno, what are you thinking? What are you saying? That depends, what are you saying? Are you saying what you’re thinking, because you better be thinking about what you’re saying.

Is it possible to OD on lesbians?

Suddenly, they’re talking about having some alone time. Jackie doesn’t understand how they went from her going to a movie to spending a few days apart. How that happens, no one knows. It’s one of the great mysteries of lesbian life.

Jackie wants her alone time, but she also wants to have Briana nearby – like, say, in the guest bedroom. Briana doesn’t want to sleep in the guest room while knowing Jackie is in their room; she’d rather just stay at a friend’s house.

Jackie: Go on. Briana: “Go on” as in, you want me to leave now? Jackie: No, I’m saying that’s fine. Briana: We need to come to a compromise. Jackie: I just said, “Do whatever you want.”

Silence fills the room. Jackie sighs. Briana stares. Down the hallway, Pichu growls once. Stillness. Grass is growing, glaciers are melting, and I’m not getting any younger over here.

If Ingmar Bergman had been a lesbian, this is what it would have been like.

Eventually, Jackie gets up to go to her movie; I guess she’s still going to try and catch the 8:15 p.m. showing of Kung Fu Panda. Briana lies motionless on the bed and says lifelessly, “Enjoy your movie.”

What straight people do while we’re processing –Elsewhere, Greg has invited Renessa over for dinner.

Cooking for his date in his tidy, well-appointed house, with his pink shirt, hair product and manicured eyebrows, Greg Plitt is the very model of the metrosexual muscle man.

Renessa called ahead to say she’s bringing a third. Not that kind of third, you perv. Rebecca is tagging along because she’s newly single and lonely.

Renessa: Are you OK? Rebecca: Yeah, I’m better today. I’ve only had one rebound. That’s pretty good, right?

Renessa smirks knowingly. Rebecca admits she was tipsy and bumped uglies with a friend she’s known for five years. When did she start working for Jackie, again?

The girls watch with alarm as Greg dumps nine tablespoons of salt into a bowl. OK, maybe he’s no Top Chef, but at least he’s trying. I misjudged this guy. I’m sorry I ever called him Plitoris.

Greg starts to plate some weird halibut and mayo dish. Rebecca tries a piece and almost barfs.

Who wants to order pizza?

Leaving – Alone in the house with Pichu and a camera crew, Briana carries her bag to the front door. She sets her things down and goes into the kitchen to leave Jackie a goodbye note.

She signs it with an “XOXO” and picks Pichu up for one last hug. Grabbing her bag, her keys and the leash of a pug I’ve never seen before, Briana walks out of the house. Pichu stares at the front door, as he always does when Briana leaves. It’s always the kids who suffer the most.

Five seconds later Jackie comes back, as if she were lurking in the bushes. She reads the note and promptly throws it in the trash.

If there aren’t any reminders, there isn’t any problem, right? Shewt, everyone knows that.

Jackie sits down and immediately calls her personal 911. Over at Plitt’s Fish Shack, Rebecca’s ass starts buzzing and it’s not diarrhea from Greg’s halibut.

When the boss calls – Rebecca goes in the other room to take Jackie’s call. She hears her say that Briana’s “very clearly jeopar – made her decision.” That was an interesting slip o’ the tongue.

When your girlfriend refuses to tell you anything more than “Do whatever you want” and “It’s up to you,” it’s a trap. Right after they invented passive-aggressiveness, they invented this little game. Don’t fall for it, people!

Jackie then asks Rebecca, “Can you just please get your things and leave?” Jackie’s cry for help has Rebecca out the door so fast she doesn’t have time eat, which is just as well, because Greg’s idea of flavor comes with bonus hypertension.

After Rebecca leaves, hookup buddies Renessa and Greg are alone and sober for the first time. They sit down to eat Greg’s home-cooked dinner, and within minutes they realize something astonishing: They bore the crap out of each other. Heh. Another showmance hits the skids.

Rebecca comes running –Rebecca makes it over to Jackie’s in no time flat because when the one you admire most needs you, you become blind to stop lights.

Rebecca: Jackie is a strong, sexy, smart woman. And I fell for her. And the chemistry that we have is unparalleled. But at the end of the day, I am friends with Jackie and I am there for her if she needs to talk to me.

If only Rebecca were gay. Or if only Jackie was a dude. If only I had a billion dollars. Everyone would be so happy.

They sit down to discuss the Briana sitch. Rebecca reminds Jackie that Briana is so young that her mind is “still developing,” as if she’s a fetus with a nose stud and a cell phone.

Jackie admits she can be immature, too (No! Really?), but their actual age difference might end up being a deal-breaker.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Jesse: If there’s no trust, then there’s nothing. Jackie: So, I have to leave her, don’t I?

Rebecca and Jesse advise Jackie not to make any rash decisions. Jackie doesn’t particularly want to break up, because in a few short months, it’s already been better with Briana than anyone else. But wait, there’s more.

Jackie: Here’s the thing you guys don’t know: She adores me.

Check, please.

Jackie: And she’s all about me. And she’s been very supportive in so many ways. This is why I’m so floored because the lying that went [on] behind me, that she deceived me.

Jesse reminds Jackie that Briana is “a child.” Mature and wise Jackie declares that she doesn’t want to look at a woman in her 20s ever again. And she really means it this time. Seriously. For real now. Honest.

The last weigh-in – The next day, there are more upbeat, positive things to focus on. It’s the last weigh-in for the SkyLab kids. Most of them started out with body fat in the 30-40 percent range. Deenie came in at a whopping 54 percent body fat. Improvement is not an option; it’s non-negotiable if they want to live past 60. There is no such thing as an old fat person.

Everyone got off to a slow start, but Jackie reports the numbers are looking good. She scribbles weigh-in information on her super-secret clipboard. The final results require a calculator, some calipers and possibly Excel macros. In any event, the big reveal won’t be ready for a few days.

Those awesome communication skillz –Later that night, Briana and Jackie are in the bedroom. There are clothes everywhere. Sadly, they’re not having makeup sex. It’s laundry night. Or moving night, possibly. Whatever else it is, it’s definitely processing night.

They eye each other uneasily. Finally, Jackie breaks the lengthy silence and asks Briana what her plans are for the evening.

Briana: Why? What were you thinking? Jackie: I was thinking maybe I’d go to the movies. Briana: You going to the movies alone? Or you want to go to the movies together? Jackie: What do you want to do? Briana: Well, you said you would go to the movies. You didn’t say, “Do you want to go to the movies?” Jackie: Well, I was planning on going to the movies alone, but I would like for you to come, if you’d like to. Briana: Well, if you were “planning,” are you just saying you want time alone? What are you saying?

What are either of you saying? This is worse than the worst lesbian movie I’ve ever seen.

Please shoot me – Two minutes later, the clothes are folded, Jackie and Briana are lying on the bed, and we get this exchange.

Briana: Anything you want to talk about? Jackie: Mmm, no. You? Briana: Not if you have nothing to talk about. No. I mean, I guess we’re OK. Jackie: I definitely feel tension between us. Briana: Oh, well, no doubt. Maybe a few days … I don’t know. Do you need time? Jackie: It’s up to you. Briana: Well, it’s not really up to me. It’s up to us.

What are you thinking? I dunno, what are you thinking? What are you saying? That depends, what are you saying? Are you saying what you’re thinking, because you better be thinking about what you’re saying.

Is it possible to OD on lesbians?

Suddenly, they’re talking about having some alone time. Jackie doesn’t understand how they went from her going to a movie to spending a few days apart. How that happens, no one knows. It’s one of the great mysteries of lesbian life.

Jackie wants her alone time, but she also wants to have Briana nearby – like, say, in the guest bedroom. Briana doesn’t want to sleep in the guest room while knowing Jackie is in their room; she’d rather just stay at a friend’s house.

Jackie: Go on. Briana: “Go on” as in, you want me to leave now? Jackie: No, I’m saying that’s fine. Briana: We need to come to a compromise. Jackie: I just said, “Do whatever you want.”

Silence fills the room. Jackie sighs. Briana stares. Down the hallway, Pichu growls once. Stillness. Grass is growing, glaciers are melting, and I’m not getting any younger over here.

If Ingmar Bergman had been a lesbian, this is what it would have been like.

Eventually, Jackie gets up to go to her movie; I guess she’s still going to try and catch the 8:15 p.m. showing of Kung Fu Panda. Briana lies motionless on the bed and says lifelessly, “Enjoy your movie.”

What straight people do while we’re processing –Elsewhere, Greg has invited Renessa over for dinner.

Cooking for his date in his tidy, well-appointed house, with his pink shirt, hair product and manicured eyebrows, Greg Plitt is the very model of the metrosexual muscle man.

Renessa called ahead to say she’s bringing a third. Not that kind of third, you perv. Rebecca is tagging along because she’s newly single and lonely.

Renessa: Are you OK? Rebecca: Yeah, I’m better today. I’ve only had one rebound. That’s pretty good, right?

Renessa smirks knowingly. Rebecca admits she was tipsy and bumped uglies with a friend she’s known for five years. When did she start working for Jackie, again?

The girls watch with alarm as Greg dumps nine tablespoons of salt into a bowl. OK, maybe he’s no Top Chef, but at least he’s trying. I misjudged this guy. I’m sorry I ever called him Plitoris.

Greg starts to plate some weird halibut and mayo dish. Rebecca tries a piece and almost barfs.

Who wants to order pizza?

Leaving – Alone in the house with Pichu and a camera crew, Briana carries her bag to the front door. She sets her things down and goes into the kitchen to leave Jackie a goodbye note.

She signs it with an “XOXO” and picks Pichu up for one last hug. Grabbing her bag, her keys and the leash of a pug I’ve never seen before, Briana walks out of the house. Pichu stares at the front door, as he always does when Briana leaves. It’s always the kids who suffer the most.

Five seconds later Jackie comes back, as if she were lurking in the bushes. She reads the note and promptly throws it in the trash.

If there aren’t any reminders, there isn’t any problem, right? Shewt, everyone knows that.

Jackie sits down and immediately calls her personal 911. Over at Plitt’s Fish Shack, Rebecca’s ass starts buzzing and it’s not diarrhea from Greg’s halibut.

When the boss calls – Rebecca goes in the other room to take Jackie’s call. She hears her say that Briana’s “very clearly jeopar – made her decision.” That was an interesting slip o’ the tongue.

When your girlfriend refuses to tell you anything more than “Do whatever you want” and “It’s up to you,” it’s a trap. Right after they invented passive-aggressiveness, they invented this little game. Don’t fall for it, people!

Jackie then asks Rebecca, “Can you just please get your things and leave?” Jackie’s cry for help has Rebecca out the door so fast she doesn’t have time eat, which is just as well, because Greg’s idea of flavor comes with bonus hypertension.

After Rebecca leaves, hookup buddies Renessa and Greg are alone and sober for the first time. They sit down to eat Greg’s home-cooked dinner, and within minutes they realize something astonishing: They bore the crap out of each other. Heh. Another showmance hits the skids.

Rebecca comes running –Rebecca makes it over to Jackie’s in no time flat because when the one you admire most needs you, you become blind to stop lights.

Rebecca: Jackie is a strong, sexy, smart woman. And I fell for her. And the chemistry that we have is unparalleled. But at the end of the day, I am friends with Jackie and I am there for her if she needs to talk to me.

If only Rebecca were gay. Or if only Jackie was a dude. If only I had a billion dollars. Everyone would be so happy.

They sit down to discuss the Briana sitch. Rebecca reminds Jackie that Briana is so young that her mind is “still developing,” as if she’s a fetus with a nose stud and a cell phone.

Jackie admits she can be immature, too (No! Really?), but their actual age difference might end up being a deal-breaker.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Jackie: Our first date, she moved out of her girlfriend’s house, really, and moved in with me … I asked her some months ago to keep a respectful distance from her ex-girlfriend. And I found out recently that her ex texted her that she loved her.

Jesse contemplates whether lesbians are more insane than gay men, and Rebecca reacts with her usual placid composure.

Jackie – with her One Strike and You’re Out rule – says she can’t even look at Briana anymore, she’s so controlling-slash-offended. Also, she now questions everything Briana ever said to her. This probably includes everything from her past, to her age, to what was really in those green, gloppy shakes.

Jackie had a subtle shirt made, to help her express her feelings.

Jesse: If there’s no trust, then there’s nothing. Jackie: So, I have to leave her, don’t I?

Rebecca and Jesse advise Jackie not to make any rash decisions. Jackie doesn’t particularly want to break up, because in a few short months, it’s already been better with Briana than anyone else. But wait, there’s more.

Jackie: Here’s the thing you guys don’t know: She adores me.

Check, please.

Jackie: And she’s all about me. And she’s been very supportive in so many ways. This is why I’m so floored because the lying that went [on] behind me, that she deceived me.

Jesse reminds Jackie that Briana is “a child.” Mature and wise Jackie declares that she doesn’t want to look at a woman in her 20s ever again. And she really means it this time. Seriously. For real now. Honest.

The last weigh-in – The next day, there are more upbeat, positive things to focus on. It’s the last weigh-in for the SkyLab kids. Most of them started out with body fat in the 30-40 percent range. Deenie came in at a whopping 54 percent body fat. Improvement is not an option; it’s non-negotiable if they want to live past 60. There is no such thing as an old fat person.

Everyone got off to a slow start, but Jackie reports the numbers are looking good. She scribbles weigh-in information on her super-secret clipboard. The final results require a calculator, some calipers and possibly Excel macros. In any event, the big reveal won’t be ready for a few days.

Those awesome communication skillz –Later that night, Briana and Jackie are in the bedroom. There are clothes everywhere. Sadly, they’re not having makeup sex. It’s laundry night. Or moving night, possibly. Whatever else it is, it’s definitely processing night.

They eye each other uneasily. Finally, Jackie breaks the lengthy silence and asks Briana what her plans are for the evening.

Briana: Why? What were you thinking? Jackie: I was thinking maybe I’d go to the movies. Briana: You going to the movies alone? Or you want to go to the movies together? Jackie: What do you want to do? Briana: Well, you said you would go to the movies. You didn’t say, “Do you want to go to the movies?” Jackie: Well, I was planning on going to the movies alone, but I would like for you to come, if you’d like to. Briana: Well, if you were “planning,” are you just saying you want time alone? What are you saying?

What are either of you saying? This is worse than the worst lesbian movie I’ve ever seen.

Please shoot me – Two minutes later, the clothes are folded, Jackie and Briana are lying on the bed, and we get this exchange.

Briana: Anything you want to talk about? Jackie: Mmm, no. You? Briana: Not if you have nothing to talk about. No. I mean, I guess we’re OK. Jackie: I definitely feel tension between us. Briana: Oh, well, no doubt. Maybe a few days … I don’t know. Do you need time? Jackie: It’s up to you. Briana: Well, it’s not really up to me. It’s up to us.

What are you thinking? I dunno, what are you thinking? What are you saying? That depends, what are you saying? Are you saying what you’re thinking, because you better be thinking about what you’re saying.

Is it possible to OD on lesbians?

Suddenly, they’re talking about having some alone time. Jackie doesn’t understand how they went from her going to a movie to spending a few days apart. How that happens, no one knows. It’s one of the great mysteries of lesbian life.

Jackie wants her alone time, but she also wants to have Briana nearby – like, say, in the guest bedroom. Briana doesn’t want to sleep in the guest room while knowing Jackie is in their room; she’d rather just stay at a friend’s house.

Jackie: Go on. Briana: “Go on” as in, you want me to leave now? Jackie: No, I’m saying that’s fine. Briana: We need to come to a compromise. Jackie: I just said, “Do whatever you want.”

Silence fills the room. Jackie sighs. Briana stares. Down the hallway, Pichu growls once. Stillness. Grass is growing, glaciers are melting, and I’m not getting any younger over here.

If Ingmar Bergman had been a lesbian, this is what it would have been like.

Eventually, Jackie gets up to go to her movie; I guess she’s still going to try and catch the 8:15 p.m. showing of Kung Fu Panda. Briana lies motionless on the bed and says lifelessly, “Enjoy your movie.”

What straight people do while we’re processing –Elsewhere, Greg has invited Renessa over for dinner.

Cooking for his date in his tidy, well-appointed house, with his pink shirt, hair product and manicured eyebrows, Greg Plitt is the very model of the metrosexual muscle man.

Renessa called ahead to say she’s bringing a third. Not that kind of third, you perv. Rebecca is tagging along because she’s newly single and lonely.

Renessa: Are you OK? Rebecca: Yeah, I’m better today. I’ve only had one rebound. That’s pretty good, right?

Renessa smirks knowingly. Rebecca admits she was tipsy and bumped uglies with a friend she’s known for five years. When did she start working for Jackie, again?

The girls watch with alarm as Greg dumps nine tablespoons of salt into a bowl. OK, maybe he’s no Top Chef, but at least he’s trying. I misjudged this guy. I’m sorry I ever called him Plitoris.

Greg starts to plate some weird halibut and mayo dish. Rebecca tries a piece and almost barfs.

Who wants to order pizza?

Leaving – Alone in the house with Pichu and a camera crew, Briana carries her bag to the front door. She sets her things down and goes into the kitchen to leave Jackie a goodbye note.

She signs it with an “XOXO” and picks Pichu up for one last hug. Grabbing her bag, her keys and the leash of a pug I’ve never seen before, Briana walks out of the house. Pichu stares at the front door, as he always does when Briana leaves. It’s always the kids who suffer the most.

Five seconds later Jackie comes back, as if she were lurking in the bushes. She reads the note and promptly throws it in the trash.

If there aren’t any reminders, there isn’t any problem, right? Shewt, everyone knows that.

Jackie sits down and immediately calls her personal 911. Over at Plitt’s Fish Shack, Rebecca’s ass starts buzzing and it’s not diarrhea from Greg’s halibut.

When the boss calls – Rebecca goes in the other room to take Jackie’s call. She hears her say that Briana’s “very clearly jeopar – made her decision.” That was an interesting slip o’ the tongue.

When your girlfriend refuses to tell you anything more than “Do whatever you want” and “It’s up to you,” it’s a trap. Right after they invented passive-aggressiveness, they invented this little game. Don’t fall for it, people!

Jackie then asks Rebecca, “Can you just please get your things and leave?” Jackie’s cry for help has Rebecca out the door so fast she doesn’t have time eat, which is just as well, because Greg’s idea of flavor comes with bonus hypertension.

After Rebecca leaves, hookup buddies Renessa and Greg are alone and sober for the first time. They sit down to eat Greg’s home-cooked dinner, and within minutes they realize something astonishing: They bore the crap out of each other. Heh. Another showmance hits the skids.

Rebecca comes running –Rebecca makes it over to Jackie’s in no time flat because when the one you admire most needs you, you become blind to stop lights.

Rebecca: Jackie is a strong, sexy, smart woman. And I fell for her. And the chemistry that we have is unparalleled. But at the end of the day, I am friends with Jackie and I am there for her if she needs to talk to me.

If only Rebecca were gay. Or if only Jackie was a dude. If only I had a billion dollars. Everyone would be so happy.

They sit down to discuss the Briana sitch. Rebecca reminds Jackie that Briana is so young that her mind is “still developing,” as if she’s a fetus with a nose stud and a cell phone.

Jackie admits she can be immature, too (No! Really?), but their actual age difference might end up being a deal-breaker.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Grandkid: What’s this, Grammy? Erika: It’s called a magazine. Grammy used to be a real hottie, back in her day. And guess what? I was once on this crazy reality show with Jackie Warner. Grandkid: You mean the first lesbian governor of California? Erika: That’s right, honey. Before she went into politics, Governor Warner was my boss. Imagine that!

OK, maybe not.

Advice – Because of her problems with Briana, Jackie seeks out the comfort and advice of friends and invites them out for sushi. Again? Is there no other food in L.A.? Work Out is single-handedly supporting Hollywood’s sushi industry, one maki roll at a time.

While they wait for their food, Jackie describes her girl troubles to her buds: Jesse, who’s happily dating someone, and Rebecca, who’s in the throes of her own breakup drama.

Jackie: Our first date, she moved out of her girlfriend’s house, really, and moved in with me … I asked her some months ago to keep a respectful distance from her ex-girlfriend. And I found out recently that her ex texted her that she loved her.

Jesse contemplates whether lesbians are more insane than gay men, and Rebecca reacts with her usual placid composure.

Jackie – with her One Strike and You’re Out rule – says she can’t even look at Briana anymore, she’s so controlling-slash-offended. Also, she now questions everything Briana ever said to her. This probably includes everything from her past, to her age, to what was really in those green, gloppy shakes.

Jackie had a subtle shirt made, to help her express her feelings.

Jesse: If there’s no trust, then there’s nothing. Jackie: So, I have to leave her, don’t I?

Rebecca and Jesse advise Jackie not to make any rash decisions. Jackie doesn’t particularly want to break up, because in a few short months, it’s already been better with Briana than anyone else. But wait, there’s more.

Jackie: Here’s the thing you guys don’t know: She adores me.

Check, please.

Jackie: And she’s all about me. And she’s been very supportive in so many ways. This is why I’m so floored because the lying that went [on] behind me, that she deceived me.

Jesse reminds Jackie that Briana is “a child.” Mature and wise Jackie declares that she doesn’t want to look at a woman in her 20s ever again. And she really means it this time. Seriously. For real now. Honest.

The last weigh-in – The next day, there are more upbeat, positive things to focus on. It’s the last weigh-in for the SkyLab kids. Most of them started out with body fat in the 30-40 percent range. Deenie came in at a whopping 54 percent body fat. Improvement is not an option; it’s non-negotiable if they want to live past 60. There is no such thing as an old fat person.

Everyone got off to a slow start, but Jackie reports the numbers are looking good. She scribbles weigh-in information on her super-secret clipboard. The final results require a calculator, some calipers and possibly Excel macros. In any event, the big reveal won’t be ready for a few days.

Those awesome communication skillz –Later that night, Briana and Jackie are in the bedroom. There are clothes everywhere. Sadly, they’re not having makeup sex. It’s laundry night. Or moving night, possibly. Whatever else it is, it’s definitely processing night.

They eye each other uneasily. Finally, Jackie breaks the lengthy silence and asks Briana what her plans are for the evening.

Briana: Why? What were you thinking? Jackie: I was thinking maybe I’d go to the movies. Briana: You going to the movies alone? Or you want to go to the movies together? Jackie: What do you want to do? Briana: Well, you said you would go to the movies. You didn’t say, “Do you want to go to the movies?” Jackie: Well, I was planning on going to the movies alone, but I would like for you to come, if you’d like to. Briana: Well, if you were “planning,” are you just saying you want time alone? What are you saying?

What are either of you saying? This is worse than the worst lesbian movie I’ve ever seen.

Please shoot me – Two minutes later, the clothes are folded, Jackie and Briana are lying on the bed, and we get this exchange.

Briana: Anything you want to talk about? Jackie: Mmm, no. You? Briana: Not if you have nothing to talk about. No. I mean, I guess we’re OK. Jackie: I definitely feel tension between us. Briana: Oh, well, no doubt. Maybe a few days … I don’t know. Do you need time? Jackie: It’s up to you. Briana: Well, it’s not really up to me. It’s up to us.

What are you thinking? I dunno, what are you thinking? What are you saying? That depends, what are you saying? Are you saying what you’re thinking, because you better be thinking about what you’re saying.

Is it possible to OD on lesbians?

Suddenly, they’re talking about having some alone time. Jackie doesn’t understand how they went from her going to a movie to spending a few days apart. How that happens, no one knows. It’s one of the great mysteries of lesbian life.

Jackie wants her alone time, but she also wants to have Briana nearby – like, say, in the guest bedroom. Briana doesn’t want to sleep in the guest room while knowing Jackie is in their room; she’d rather just stay at a friend’s house.

Jackie: Go on. Briana: “Go on” as in, you want me to leave now? Jackie: No, I’m saying that’s fine. Briana: We need to come to a compromise. Jackie: I just said, “Do whatever you want.”

Silence fills the room. Jackie sighs. Briana stares. Down the hallway, Pichu growls once. Stillness. Grass is growing, glaciers are melting, and I’m not getting any younger over here.

If Ingmar Bergman had been a lesbian, this is what it would have been like.

Eventually, Jackie gets up to go to her movie; I guess she’s still going to try and catch the 8:15 p.m. showing of Kung Fu Panda. Briana lies motionless on the bed and says lifelessly, “Enjoy your movie.”

What straight people do while we’re processing –Elsewhere, Greg has invited Renessa over for dinner.

Cooking for his date in his tidy, well-appointed house, with his pink shirt, hair product and manicured eyebrows, Greg Plitt is the very model of the metrosexual muscle man.

Renessa called ahead to say she’s bringing a third. Not that kind of third, you perv. Rebecca is tagging along because she’s newly single and lonely.

Renessa: Are you OK? Rebecca: Yeah, I’m better today. I’ve only had one rebound. That’s pretty good, right?

Renessa smirks knowingly. Rebecca admits she was tipsy and bumped uglies with a friend she’s known for five years. When did she start working for Jackie, again?

The girls watch with alarm as Greg dumps nine tablespoons of salt into a bowl. OK, maybe he’s no Top Chef, but at least he’s trying. I misjudged this guy. I’m sorry I ever called him Plitoris.

Greg starts to plate some weird halibut and mayo dish. Rebecca tries a piece and almost barfs.

Who wants to order pizza?

Leaving – Alone in the house with Pichu and a camera crew, Briana carries her bag to the front door. She sets her things down and goes into the kitchen to leave Jackie a goodbye note.

She signs it with an “XOXO” and picks Pichu up for one last hug. Grabbing her bag, her keys and the leash of a pug I’ve never seen before, Briana walks out of the house. Pichu stares at the front door, as he always does when Briana leaves. It’s always the kids who suffer the most.

Five seconds later Jackie comes back, as if she were lurking in the bushes. She reads the note and promptly throws it in the trash.

If there aren’t any reminders, there isn’t any problem, right? Shewt, everyone knows that.

Jackie sits down and immediately calls her personal 911. Over at Plitt’s Fish Shack, Rebecca’s ass starts buzzing and it’s not diarrhea from Greg’s halibut.

When the boss calls – Rebecca goes in the other room to take Jackie’s call. She hears her say that Briana’s “very clearly jeopar – made her decision.” That was an interesting slip o’ the tongue.

When your girlfriend refuses to tell you anything more than “Do whatever you want” and “It’s up to you,” it’s a trap. Right after they invented passive-aggressiveness, they invented this little game. Don’t fall for it, people!

Jackie then asks Rebecca, “Can you just please get your things and leave?” Jackie’s cry for help has Rebecca out the door so fast she doesn’t have time eat, which is just as well, because Greg’s idea of flavor comes with bonus hypertension.

After Rebecca leaves, hookup buddies Renessa and Greg are alone and sober for the first time. They sit down to eat Greg’s home-cooked dinner, and within minutes they realize something astonishing: They bore the crap out of each other. Heh. Another showmance hits the skids.

Rebecca comes running –Rebecca makes it over to Jackie’s in no time flat because when the one you admire most needs you, you become blind to stop lights.

Rebecca: Jackie is a strong, sexy, smart woman. And I fell for her. And the chemistry that we have is unparalleled. But at the end of the day, I am friends with Jackie and I am there for her if she needs to talk to me.

If only Rebecca were gay. Or if only Jackie was a dude. If only I had a billion dollars. Everyone would be so happy.

They sit down to discuss the Briana sitch. Rebecca reminds Jackie that Briana is so young that her mind is “still developing,” as if she’s a fetus with a nose stud and a cell phone.

Jackie admits she can be immature, too (No! Really?), but their actual age difference might end up being a deal-breaker.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Dr. Shirley: I guess the most important question is, “Do I want to try and make this relationship work?”

The temperature in the office has dropped drastically. Jackie looks away. Briana sits nodding wordlessly. Eventually, Jackie and Briana leave the therapy session together. And by “together,” I mean they just happen to take the same elevator.

Going down.

Last push to the finish line –It’s the last day of SkyLab boot camp, and all the clients have assembled for one final training session. They do a bit of circuit training on Sky Sport’s glistening machines.

Everyone’s improved considerably since they first waddled their way through Sky Sport’s doors – no one is wheezing, puking, or complaining. Even Deenie’s traded in her old crybaby ways for a new, positive attitude. Even lazy Paisley looks like she could kick my ass. Gah, I have got to start working out.

Other changes – Outside, Greg Plitt runs into a hot blonde as he arrives for work. They come face to face by the front door. That’s not just any hot blonde, that’s Erika, sporting a new cut and color.

Greg just happens to be carrying a copy of their magazine cover shoot. He hands her a copy to keep and show the grandkids someday.

Fast forward to the year 2038.

Grandkid: What’s this, Grammy? Erika: It’s called a magazine. Grammy used to be a real hottie, back in her day. And guess what? I was once on this crazy reality show with Jackie Warner. Grandkid: You mean the first lesbian governor of California? Erika: That’s right, honey. Before she went into politics, Governor Warner was my boss. Imagine that!

OK, maybe not.

Advice – Because of her problems with Briana, Jackie seeks out the comfort and advice of friends and invites them out for sushi. Again? Is there no other food in L.A.? Work Out is single-handedly supporting Hollywood’s sushi industry, one maki roll at a time.

While they wait for their food, Jackie describes her girl troubles to her buds: Jesse, who’s happily dating someone, and Rebecca, who’s in the throes of her own breakup drama.

Jackie: Our first date, she moved out of her girlfriend’s house, really, and moved in with me … I asked her some months ago to keep a respectful distance from her ex-girlfriend. And I found out recently that her ex texted her that she loved her.

Jesse contemplates whether lesbians are more insane than gay men, and Rebecca reacts with her usual placid composure.

Jackie – with her One Strike and You’re Out rule – says she can’t even look at Briana anymore, she’s so controlling-slash-offended. Also, she now questions everything Briana ever said to her. This probably includes everything from her past, to her age, to what was really in those green, gloppy shakes.

Jackie had a subtle shirt made, to help her express her feelings.

Jesse: If there’s no trust, then there’s nothing. Jackie: So, I have to leave her, don’t I?

Rebecca and Jesse advise Jackie not to make any rash decisions. Jackie doesn’t particularly want to break up, because in a few short months, it’s already been better with Briana than anyone else. But wait, there’s more.

Jackie: Here’s the thing you guys don’t know: She adores me.

Check, please.

Jackie: And she’s all about me. And she’s been very supportive in so many ways. This is why I’m so floored because the lying that went [on] behind me, that she deceived me.

Jesse reminds Jackie that Briana is “a child.” Mature and wise Jackie declares that she doesn’t want to look at a woman in her 20s ever again. And she really means it this time. Seriously. For real now. Honest.

The last weigh-in – The next day, there are more upbeat, positive things to focus on. It’s the last weigh-in for the SkyLab kids. Most of them started out with body fat in the 30-40 percent range. Deenie came in at a whopping 54 percent body fat. Improvement is not an option; it’s non-negotiable if they want to live past 60. There is no such thing as an old fat person.

Everyone got off to a slow start, but Jackie reports the numbers are looking good. She scribbles weigh-in information on her super-secret clipboard. The final results require a calculator, some calipers and possibly Excel macros. In any event, the big reveal won’t be ready for a few days.

Those awesome communication skillz –Later that night, Briana and Jackie are in the bedroom. There are clothes everywhere. Sadly, they’re not having makeup sex. It’s laundry night. Or moving night, possibly. Whatever else it is, it’s definitely processing night.

They eye each other uneasily. Finally, Jackie breaks the lengthy silence and asks Briana what her plans are for the evening.

Briana: Why? What were you thinking? Jackie: I was thinking maybe I’d go to the movies. Briana: You going to the movies alone? Or you want to go to the movies together? Jackie: What do you want to do? Briana: Well, you said you would go to the movies. You didn’t say, “Do you want to go to the movies?” Jackie: Well, I was planning on going to the movies alone, but I would like for you to come, if you’d like to. Briana: Well, if you were “planning,” are you just saying you want time alone? What are you saying?

What are either of you saying? This is worse than the worst lesbian movie I’ve ever seen.

Please shoot me – Two minutes later, the clothes are folded, Jackie and Briana are lying on the bed, and we get this exchange.

Briana: Anything you want to talk about? Jackie: Mmm, no. You? Briana: Not if you have nothing to talk about. No. I mean, I guess we’re OK. Jackie: I definitely feel tension between us. Briana: Oh, well, no doubt. Maybe a few days … I don’t know. Do you need time? Jackie: It’s up to you. Briana: Well, it’s not really up to me. It’s up to us.

What are you thinking? I dunno, what are you thinking? What are you saying? That depends, what are you saying? Are you saying what you’re thinking, because you better be thinking about what you’re saying.

Is it possible to OD on lesbians?

Suddenly, they’re talking about having some alone time. Jackie doesn’t understand how they went from her going to a movie to spending a few days apart. How that happens, no one knows. It’s one of the great mysteries of lesbian life.

Jackie wants her alone time, but she also wants to have Briana nearby – like, say, in the guest bedroom. Briana doesn’t want to sleep in the guest room while knowing Jackie is in their room; she’d rather just stay at a friend’s house.

Jackie: Go on. Briana: “Go on” as in, you want me to leave now? Jackie: No, I’m saying that’s fine. Briana: We need to come to a compromise. Jackie: I just said, “Do whatever you want.”

Silence fills the room. Jackie sighs. Briana stares. Down the hallway, Pichu growls once. Stillness. Grass is growing, glaciers are melting, and I’m not getting any younger over here.

If Ingmar Bergman had been a lesbian, this is what it would have been like.

Eventually, Jackie gets up to go to her movie; I guess she’s still going to try and catch the 8:15 p.m. showing of Kung Fu Panda. Briana lies motionless on the bed and says lifelessly, “Enjoy your movie.”

What straight people do while we’re processing –Elsewhere, Greg has invited Renessa over for dinner.

Cooking for his date in his tidy, well-appointed house, with his pink shirt, hair product and manicured eyebrows, Greg Plitt is the very model of the metrosexual muscle man.

Renessa called ahead to say she’s bringing a third. Not that kind of third, you perv. Rebecca is tagging along because she’s newly single and lonely.

Renessa: Are you OK? Rebecca: Yeah, I’m better today. I’ve only had one rebound. That’s pretty good, right?

Renessa smirks knowingly. Rebecca admits she was tipsy and bumped uglies with a friend she’s known for five years. When did she start working for Jackie, again?

The girls watch with alarm as Greg dumps nine tablespoons of salt into a bowl. OK, maybe he’s no Top Chef, but at least he’s trying. I misjudged this guy. I’m sorry I ever called him Plitoris.

Greg starts to plate some weird halibut and mayo dish. Rebecca tries a piece and almost barfs.

Who wants to order pizza?

Leaving – Alone in the house with Pichu and a camera crew, Briana carries her bag to the front door. She sets her things down and goes into the kitchen to leave Jackie a goodbye note.

She signs it with an “XOXO” and picks Pichu up for one last hug. Grabbing her bag, her keys and the leash of a pug I’ve never seen before, Briana walks out of the house. Pichu stares at the front door, as he always does when Briana leaves. It’s always the kids who suffer the most.

Five seconds later Jackie comes back, as if she were lurking in the bushes. She reads the note and promptly throws it in the trash.

If there aren’t any reminders, there isn’t any problem, right? Shewt, everyone knows that.

Jackie sits down and immediately calls her personal 911. Over at Plitt’s Fish Shack, Rebecca’s ass starts buzzing and it’s not diarrhea from Greg’s halibut.

When the boss calls – Rebecca goes in the other room to take Jackie’s call. She hears her say that Briana’s “very clearly jeopar – made her decision.” That was an interesting slip o’ the tongue.

When your girlfriend refuses to tell you anything more than “Do whatever you want” and “It’s up to you,” it’s a trap. Right after they invented passive-aggressiveness, they invented this little game. Don’t fall for it, people!

Jackie then asks Rebecca, “Can you just please get your things and leave?” Jackie’s cry for help has Rebecca out the door so fast she doesn’t have time eat, which is just as well, because Greg’s idea of flavor comes with bonus hypertension.

After Rebecca leaves, hookup buddies Renessa and Greg are alone and sober for the first time. They sit down to eat Greg’s home-cooked dinner, and within minutes they realize something astonishing: They bore the crap out of each other. Heh. Another showmance hits the skids.

Rebecca comes running –Rebecca makes it over to Jackie’s in no time flat because when the one you admire most needs you, you become blind to stop lights.

Rebecca: Jackie is a strong, sexy, smart woman. And I fell for her. And the chemistry that we have is unparalleled. But at the end of the day, I am friends with Jackie and I am there for her if she needs to talk to me.

If only Rebecca were gay. Or if only Jackie was a dude. If only I had a billion dollars. Everyone would be so happy.

They sit down to discuss the Briana sitch. Rebecca reminds Jackie that Briana is so young that her mind is “still developing,” as if she’s a fetus with a nose stud and a cell phone.

Jackie admits she can be immature, too (No! Really?), but their actual age difference might end up being a deal-breaker.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Jackie: I asked her to have a time period away from this person. Briana: And I did have a time period. Jackie: No, she didn’t. A time period for her was a week.

They go a couple of rounds over the definition of “week.”

Maybe I’m an idiot, but I never feel threatened by exes. Even when they come back, I still don’t care. There is something seriously wrong with me.

Dr. Shirley suggests that a lack of communication is the underlining problem. That may very well be, but even the idiot who is me can read this body language.

Jackie’s big enough to admit, “Hell, no, we’re not communicators” and “Briana and I suck,” and theorizes it’s because Briana communicates like a woman and she communicates more like a man.

Well, let’s see. Briana tries to talk Jackie into eating healthy food. Jackie likes to talk about her accomplishments. Briana said she appreciates Jackie’s giving spirit. Jackie never apologizes. Briana reaches out to Jackie and Jackie shrugs her off, saying, “Don’t touch me right now.”

Men may be from Mars and women may be from Venus, but Jackie’s from Uranus.

Dr. Shirley reminds the girls they’ve only been together four and a half months; they shouldn’t be in couples’ therapy already.

Dr. Shirley: I guess the most important question is, “Do I want to try and make this relationship work?”

The temperature in the office has dropped drastically. Jackie looks away. Briana sits nodding wordlessly. Eventually, Jackie and Briana leave the therapy session together. And by “together,” I mean they just happen to take the same elevator.

Going down.

Last push to the finish line –It’s the last day of SkyLab boot camp, and all the clients have assembled for one final training session. They do a bit of circuit training on Sky Sport’s glistening machines.

Everyone’s improved considerably since they first waddled their way through Sky Sport’s doors – no one is wheezing, puking, or complaining. Even Deenie’s traded in her old crybaby ways for a new, positive attitude. Even lazy Paisley looks like she could kick my ass. Gah, I have got to start working out.

Other changes – Outside, Greg Plitt runs into a hot blonde as he arrives for work. They come face to face by the front door. That’s not just any hot blonde, that’s Erika, sporting a new cut and color.

Greg just happens to be carrying a copy of their magazine cover shoot. He hands her a copy to keep and show the grandkids someday.

Fast forward to the year 2038.

Grandkid: What’s this, Grammy? Erika: It’s called a magazine. Grammy used to be a real hottie, back in her day. And guess what? I was once on this crazy reality show with Jackie Warner. Grandkid: You mean the first lesbian governor of California? Erika: That’s right, honey. Before she went into politics, Governor Warner was my boss. Imagine that!

OK, maybe not.

Advice – Because of her problems with Briana, Jackie seeks out the comfort and advice of friends and invites them out for sushi. Again? Is there no other food in L.A.? Work Out is single-handedly supporting Hollywood’s sushi industry, one maki roll at a time.

While they wait for their food, Jackie describes her girl troubles to her buds: Jesse, who’s happily dating someone, and Rebecca, who’s in the throes of her own breakup drama.

Jackie: Our first date, she moved out of her girlfriend’s house, really, and moved in with me … I asked her some months ago to keep a respectful distance from her ex-girlfriend. And I found out recently that her ex texted her that she loved her.

Jesse contemplates whether lesbians are more insane than gay men, and Rebecca reacts with her usual placid composure.

Jackie – with her One Strike and You’re Out rule – says she can’t even look at Briana anymore, she’s so controlling-slash-offended. Also, she now questions everything Briana ever said to her. This probably includes everything from her past, to her age, to what was really in those green, gloppy shakes.

Jackie had a subtle shirt made, to help her express her feelings.

Jesse: If there’s no trust, then there’s nothing. Jackie: So, I have to leave her, don’t I?

Rebecca and Jesse advise Jackie not to make any rash decisions. Jackie doesn’t particularly want to break up, because in a few short months, it’s already been better with Briana than anyone else. But wait, there’s more.

Jackie: Here’s the thing you guys don’t know: She adores me.

Check, please.

Jackie: And she’s all about me. And she’s been very supportive in so many ways. This is why I’m so floored because the lying that went [on] behind me, that she deceived me.

Jesse reminds Jackie that Briana is “a child.” Mature and wise Jackie declares that she doesn’t want to look at a woman in her 20s ever again. And she really means it this time. Seriously. For real now. Honest.

The last weigh-in – The next day, there are more upbeat, positive things to focus on. It’s the last weigh-in for the SkyLab kids. Most of them started out with body fat in the 30-40 percent range. Deenie came in at a whopping 54 percent body fat. Improvement is not an option; it’s non-negotiable if they want to live past 60. There is no such thing as an old fat person.

Everyone got off to a slow start, but Jackie reports the numbers are looking good. She scribbles weigh-in information on her super-secret clipboard. The final results require a calculator, some calipers and possibly Excel macros. In any event, the big reveal won’t be ready for a few days.

Those awesome communication skillz –Later that night, Briana and Jackie are in the bedroom. There are clothes everywhere. Sadly, they’re not having makeup sex. It’s laundry night. Or moving night, possibly. Whatever else it is, it’s definitely processing night.

They eye each other uneasily. Finally, Jackie breaks the lengthy silence and asks Briana what her plans are for the evening.

Briana: Why? What were you thinking? Jackie: I was thinking maybe I’d go to the movies. Briana: You going to the movies alone? Or you want to go to the movies together? Jackie: What do you want to do? Briana: Well, you said you would go to the movies. You didn’t say, “Do you want to go to the movies?” Jackie: Well, I was planning on going to the movies alone, but I would like for you to come, if you’d like to. Briana: Well, if you were “planning,” are you just saying you want time alone? What are you saying?

What are either of you saying? This is worse than the worst lesbian movie I’ve ever seen.

Please shoot me – Two minutes later, the clothes are folded, Jackie and Briana are lying on the bed, and we get this exchange.

Briana: Anything you want to talk about? Jackie: Mmm, no. You? Briana: Not if you have nothing to talk about. No. I mean, I guess we’re OK. Jackie: I definitely feel tension between us. Briana: Oh, well, no doubt. Maybe a few days … I don’t know. Do you need time? Jackie: It’s up to you. Briana: Well, it’s not really up to me. It’s up to us.

What are you thinking? I dunno, what are you thinking? What are you saying? That depends, what are you saying? Are you saying what you’re thinking, because you better be thinking about what you’re saying.

Is it possible to OD on lesbians?

Suddenly, they’re talking about having some alone time. Jackie doesn’t understand how they went from her going to a movie to spending a few days apart. How that happens, no one knows. It’s one of the great mysteries of lesbian life.

Jackie wants her alone time, but she also wants to have Briana nearby – like, say, in the guest bedroom. Briana doesn’t want to sleep in the guest room while knowing Jackie is in their room; she’d rather just stay at a friend’s house.

Jackie: Go on. Briana: “Go on” as in, you want me to leave now? Jackie: No, I’m saying that’s fine. Briana: We need to come to a compromise. Jackie: I just said, “Do whatever you want.”

Silence fills the room. Jackie sighs. Briana stares. Down the hallway, Pichu growls once. Stillness. Grass is growing, glaciers are melting, and I’m not getting any younger over here.

If Ingmar Bergman had been a lesbian, this is what it would have been like.

Eventually, Jackie gets up to go to her movie; I guess she’s still going to try and catch the 8:15 p.m. showing of Kung Fu Panda. Briana lies motionless on the bed and says lifelessly, “Enjoy your movie.”

What straight people do while we’re processing –Elsewhere, Greg has invited Renessa over for dinner.

Cooking for his date in his tidy, well-appointed house, with his pink shirt, hair product and manicured eyebrows, Greg Plitt is the very model of the metrosexual muscle man.

Renessa called ahead to say she’s bringing a third. Not that kind of third, you perv. Rebecca is tagging along because she’s newly single and lonely.

Renessa: Are you OK? Rebecca: Yeah, I’m better today. I’ve only had one rebound. That’s pretty good, right?

Renessa smirks knowingly. Rebecca admits she was tipsy and bumped uglies with a friend she’s known for five years. When did she start working for Jackie, again?

The girls watch with alarm as Greg dumps nine tablespoons of salt into a bowl. OK, maybe he’s no Top Chef, but at least he’s trying. I misjudged this guy. I’m sorry I ever called him Plitoris.

Greg starts to plate some weird halibut and mayo dish. Rebecca tries a piece and almost barfs.

Who wants to order pizza?

Leaving – Alone in the house with Pichu and a camera crew, Briana carries her bag to the front door. She sets her things down and goes into the kitchen to leave Jackie a goodbye note.

She signs it with an “XOXO” and picks Pichu up for one last hug. Grabbing her bag, her keys and the leash of a pug I’ve never seen before, Briana walks out of the house. Pichu stares at the front door, as he always does when Briana leaves. It’s always the kids who suffer the most.

Five seconds later Jackie comes back, as if she were lurking in the bushes. She reads the note and promptly throws it in the trash.

If there aren’t any reminders, there isn’t any problem, right? Shewt, everyone knows that.

Jackie sits down and immediately calls her personal 911. Over at Plitt’s Fish Shack, Rebecca’s ass starts buzzing and it’s not diarrhea from Greg’s halibut.

When the boss calls – Rebecca goes in the other room to take Jackie’s call. She hears her say that Briana’s “very clearly jeopar – made her decision.” That was an interesting slip o’ the tongue.

When your girlfriend refuses to tell you anything more than “Do whatever you want” and “It’s up to you,” it’s a trap. Right after they invented passive-aggressiveness, they invented this little game. Don’t fall for it, people!

Jackie then asks Rebecca, “Can you just please get your things and leave?” Jackie’s cry for help has Rebecca out the door so fast she doesn’t have time eat, which is just as well, because Greg’s idea of flavor comes with bonus hypertension.

After Rebecca leaves, hookup buddies Renessa and Greg are alone and sober for the first time. They sit down to eat Greg’s home-cooked dinner, and within minutes they realize something astonishing: They bore the crap out of each other. Heh. Another showmance hits the skids.

Rebecca comes running –Rebecca makes it over to Jackie’s in no time flat because when the one you admire most needs you, you become blind to stop lights.

Rebecca: Jackie is a strong, sexy, smart woman. And I fell for her. And the chemistry that we have is unparalleled. But at the end of the day, I am friends with Jackie and I am there for her if she needs to talk to me.

If only Rebecca were gay. Or if only Jackie was a dude. If only I had a billion dollars. Everyone would be so happy.

They sit down to discuss the Briana sitch. Rebecca reminds Jackie that Briana is so young that her mind is “still developing,” as if she’s a fetus with a nose stud and a cell phone.

Jackie admits she can be immature, too (No! Really?), but their actual age difference might end up being a deal-breaker.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Briana: OK, no. I’ve always had good relationships with my ex-girlfriends. And she found it in my phone … Jackie: Don’t even start with that. Briana: I’m not. I’m just saying how … Jackie: Seriously. Don’t even start with that. Briana: M’kay, Jackie. Jackie: ‘Cause you look at my texts, like, 24/7.

Apparently, Jackie and Briana have an open text relationship.

But now that Briana’s in box holds I-love-you’s from her ex, it’s not OK anymore.

Jackie: I asked her to have a time period away from this person. Briana: And I did have a time period. Jackie: No, she didn’t. A time period for her was a week.

They go a couple of rounds over the definition of “week.”

Maybe I’m an idiot, but I never feel threatened by exes. Even when they come back, I still don’t care. There is something seriously wrong with me.

Dr. Shirley suggests that a lack of communication is the underlining problem. That may very well be, but even the idiot who is me can read this body language.

Jackie’s big enough to admit, “Hell, no, we’re not communicators” and “Briana and I suck,” and theorizes it’s because Briana communicates like a woman and she communicates more like a man.

Well, let’s see. Briana tries to talk Jackie into eating healthy food. Jackie likes to talk about her accomplishments. Briana said she appreciates Jackie’s giving spirit. Jackie never apologizes. Briana reaches out to Jackie and Jackie shrugs her off, saying, “Don’t touch me right now.”

Men may be from Mars and women may be from Venus, but Jackie’s from Uranus.

Dr. Shirley reminds the girls they’ve only been together four and a half months; they shouldn’t be in couples’ therapy already.

Dr. Shirley: I guess the most important question is, “Do I want to try and make this relationship work?”

The temperature in the office has dropped drastically. Jackie looks away. Briana sits nodding wordlessly. Eventually, Jackie and Briana leave the therapy session together. And by “together,” I mean they just happen to take the same elevator.

Going down.

Last push to the finish line –It’s the last day of SkyLab boot camp, and all the clients have assembled for one final training session. They do a bit of circuit training on Sky Sport’s glistening machines.

Everyone’s improved considerably since they first waddled their way through Sky Sport’s doors – no one is wheezing, puking, or complaining. Even Deenie’s traded in her old crybaby ways for a new, positive attitude. Even lazy Paisley looks like she could kick my ass. Gah, I have got to start working out.

Other changes – Outside, Greg Plitt runs into a hot blonde as he arrives for work. They come face to face by the front door. That’s not just any hot blonde, that’s Erika, sporting a new cut and color.

Greg just happens to be carrying a copy of their magazine cover shoot. He hands her a copy to keep and show the grandkids someday.

Fast forward to the year 2038.

Grandkid: What’s this, Grammy? Erika: It’s called a magazine. Grammy used to be a real hottie, back in her day. And guess what? I was once on this crazy reality show with Jackie Warner. Grandkid: You mean the first lesbian governor of California? Erika: That’s right, honey. Before she went into politics, Governor Warner was my boss. Imagine that!

OK, maybe not.

Advice – Because of her problems with Briana, Jackie seeks out the comfort and advice of friends and invites them out for sushi. Again? Is there no other food in L.A.? Work Out is single-handedly supporting Hollywood’s sushi industry, one maki roll at a time.

While they wait for their food, Jackie describes her girl troubles to her buds: Jesse, who’s happily dating someone, and Rebecca, who’s in the throes of her own breakup drama.

Jackie: Our first date, she moved out of her girlfriend’s house, really, and moved in with me … I asked her some months ago to keep a respectful distance from her ex-girlfriend. And I found out recently that her ex texted her that she loved her.

Jesse contemplates whether lesbians are more insane than gay men, and Rebecca reacts with her usual placid composure.

Jackie – with her One Strike and You’re Out rule – says she can’t even look at Briana anymore, she’s so controlling-slash-offended. Also, she now questions everything Briana ever said to her. This probably includes everything from her past, to her age, to what was really in those green, gloppy shakes.

Jackie had a subtle shirt made, to help her express her feelings.

Jesse: If there’s no trust, then there’s nothing. Jackie: So, I have to leave her, don’t I?

Rebecca and Jesse advise Jackie not to make any rash decisions. Jackie doesn’t particularly want to break up, because in a few short months, it’s already been better with Briana than anyone else. But wait, there’s more.

Jackie: Here’s the thing you guys don’t know: She adores me.

Check, please.

Jackie: And she’s all about me. And she’s been very supportive in so many ways. This is why I’m so floored because the lying that went [on] behind me, that she deceived me.

Jesse reminds Jackie that Briana is “a child.” Mature and wise Jackie declares that she doesn’t want to look at a woman in her 20s ever again. And she really means it this time. Seriously. For real now. Honest.

The last weigh-in – The next day, there are more upbeat, positive things to focus on. It’s the last weigh-in for the SkyLab kids. Most of them started out with body fat in the 30-40 percent range. Deenie came in at a whopping 54 percent body fat. Improvement is not an option; it’s non-negotiable if they want to live past 60. There is no such thing as an old fat person.

Everyone got off to a slow start, but Jackie reports the numbers are looking good. She scribbles weigh-in information on her super-secret clipboard. The final results require a calculator, some calipers and possibly Excel macros. In any event, the big reveal won’t be ready for a few days.

Those awesome communication skillz –Later that night, Briana and Jackie are in the bedroom. There are clothes everywhere. Sadly, they’re not having makeup sex. It’s laundry night. Or moving night, possibly. Whatever else it is, it’s definitely processing night.

They eye each other uneasily. Finally, Jackie breaks the lengthy silence and asks Briana what her plans are for the evening.

Briana: Why? What were you thinking? Jackie: I was thinking maybe I’d go to the movies. Briana: You going to the movies alone? Or you want to go to the movies together? Jackie: What do you want to do? Briana: Well, you said you would go to the movies. You didn’t say, “Do you want to go to the movies?” Jackie: Well, I was planning on going to the movies alone, but I would like for you to come, if you’d like to. Briana: Well, if you were “planning,” are you just saying you want time alone? What are you saying?

What are either of you saying? This is worse than the worst lesbian movie I’ve ever seen.

Please shoot me – Two minutes later, the clothes are folded, Jackie and Briana are lying on the bed, and we get this exchange.

Briana: Anything you want to talk about? Jackie: Mmm, no. You? Briana: Not if you have nothing to talk about. No. I mean, I guess we’re OK. Jackie: I definitely feel tension between us. Briana: Oh, well, no doubt. Maybe a few days … I don’t know. Do you need time? Jackie: It’s up to you. Briana: Well, it’s not really up to me. It’s up to us.

What are you thinking? I dunno, what are you thinking? What are you saying? That depends, what are you saying? Are you saying what you’re thinking, because you better be thinking about what you’re saying.

Is it possible to OD on lesbians?

Suddenly, they’re talking about having some alone time. Jackie doesn’t understand how they went from her going to a movie to spending a few days apart. How that happens, no one knows. It’s one of the great mysteries of lesbian life.

Jackie wants her alone time, but she also wants to have Briana nearby – like, say, in the guest bedroom. Briana doesn’t want to sleep in the guest room while knowing Jackie is in their room; she’d rather just stay at a friend’s house.

Jackie: Go on. Briana: “Go on” as in, you want me to leave now? Jackie: No, I’m saying that’s fine. Briana: We need to come to a compromise. Jackie: I just said, “Do whatever you want.”

Silence fills the room. Jackie sighs. Briana stares. Down the hallway, Pichu growls once. Stillness. Grass is growing, glaciers are melting, and I’m not getting any younger over here.

If Ingmar Bergman had been a lesbian, this is what it would have been like.

Eventually, Jackie gets up to go to her movie; I guess she’s still going to try and catch the 8:15 p.m. showing of Kung Fu Panda. Briana lies motionless on the bed and says lifelessly, “Enjoy your movie.”

What straight people do while we’re processing –Elsewhere, Greg has invited Renessa over for dinner.

Cooking for his date in his tidy, well-appointed house, with his pink shirt, hair product and manicured eyebrows, Greg Plitt is the very model of the metrosexual muscle man.

Renessa called ahead to say she’s bringing a third. Not that kind of third, you perv. Rebecca is tagging along because she’s newly single and lonely.

Renessa: Are you OK? Rebecca: Yeah, I’m better today. I’ve only had one rebound. That’s pretty good, right?

Renessa smirks knowingly. Rebecca admits she was tipsy and bumped uglies with a friend she’s known for five years. When did she start working for Jackie, again?

The girls watch with alarm as Greg dumps nine tablespoons of salt into a bowl. OK, maybe he’s no Top Chef, but at least he’s trying. I misjudged this guy. I’m sorry I ever called him Plitoris.

Greg starts to plate some weird halibut and mayo dish. Rebecca tries a piece and almost barfs.

Who wants to order pizza?

Leaving – Alone in the house with Pichu and a camera crew, Briana carries her bag to the front door. She sets her things down and goes into the kitchen to leave Jackie a goodbye note.

She signs it with an “XOXO” and picks Pichu up for one last hug. Grabbing her bag, her keys and the leash of a pug I’ve never seen before, Briana walks out of the house. Pichu stares at the front door, as he always does when Briana leaves. It’s always the kids who suffer the most.

Five seconds later Jackie comes back, as if she were lurking in the bushes. She reads the note and promptly throws it in the trash.

If there aren’t any reminders, there isn’t any problem, right? Shewt, everyone knows that.

Jackie sits down and immediately calls her personal 911. Over at Plitt’s Fish Shack, Rebecca’s ass starts buzzing and it’s not diarrhea from Greg’s halibut.

When the boss calls – Rebecca goes in the other room to take Jackie’s call. She hears her say that Briana’s “very clearly jeopar – made her decision.” That was an interesting slip o’ the tongue.

When your girlfriend refuses to tell you anything more than “Do whatever you want” and “It’s up to you,” it’s a trap. Right after they invented passive-aggressiveness, they invented this little game. Don’t fall for it, people!

Jackie then asks Rebecca, “Can you just please get your things and leave?” Jackie’s cry for help has Rebecca out the door so fast she doesn’t have time eat, which is just as well, because Greg’s idea of flavor comes with bonus hypertension.

After Rebecca leaves, hookup buddies Renessa and Greg are alone and sober for the first time. They sit down to eat Greg’s home-cooked dinner, and within minutes they realize something astonishing: They bore the crap out of each other. Heh. Another showmance hits the skids.

Rebecca comes running –Rebecca makes it over to Jackie’s in no time flat because when the one you admire most needs you, you become blind to stop lights.

Rebecca: Jackie is a strong, sexy, smart woman. And I fell for her. And the chemistry that we have is unparalleled. But at the end of the day, I am friends with Jackie and I am there for her if she needs to talk to me.

If only Rebecca were gay. Or if only Jackie was a dude. If only I had a billion dollars. Everyone would be so happy.

They sit down to discuss the Briana sitch. Rebecca reminds Jackie that Briana is so young that her mind is “still developing,” as if she’s a fetus with a nose stud and a cell phone.

Jackie admits she can be immature, too (No! Really?), but their actual age difference might end up being a deal-breaker.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Jackie: We still get texts in the middle of the night, or late at night [saying] “I love you.”

“We”?

Briana: OK, no. I’ve always had good relationships with my ex-girlfriends. And she found it in my phone … Jackie: Don’t even start with that. Briana: I’m not. I’m just saying how … Jackie: Seriously. Don’t even start with that. Briana: M’kay, Jackie. Jackie: ‘Cause you look at my texts, like, 24/7.

Apparently, Jackie and Briana have an open text relationship.

But now that Briana’s in box holds I-love-you’s from her ex, it’s not OK anymore.

Jackie: I asked her to have a time period away from this person. Briana: And I did have a time period. Jackie: No, she didn’t. A time period for her was a week.

They go a couple of rounds over the definition of “week.”

Maybe I’m an idiot, but I never feel threatened by exes. Even when they come back, I still don’t care. There is something seriously wrong with me.

Dr. Shirley suggests that a lack of communication is the underlining problem. That may very well be, but even the idiot who is me can read this body language.

Jackie’s big enough to admit, “Hell, no, we’re not communicators” and “Briana and I suck,” and theorizes it’s because Briana communicates like a woman and she communicates more like a man.

Well, let’s see. Briana tries to talk Jackie into eating healthy food. Jackie likes to talk about her accomplishments. Briana said she appreciates Jackie’s giving spirit. Jackie never apologizes. Briana reaches out to Jackie and Jackie shrugs her off, saying, “Don’t touch me right now.”

Men may be from Mars and women may be from Venus, but Jackie’s from Uranus.

Dr. Shirley reminds the girls they’ve only been together four and a half months; they shouldn’t be in couples’ therapy already.

Dr. Shirley: I guess the most important question is, “Do I want to try and make this relationship work?”

The temperature in the office has dropped drastically. Jackie looks away. Briana sits nodding wordlessly. Eventually, Jackie and Briana leave the therapy session together. And by “together,” I mean they just happen to take the same elevator.

Going down.

Last push to the finish line –It’s the last day of SkyLab boot camp, and all the clients have assembled for one final training session. They do a bit of circuit training on Sky Sport’s glistening machines.

Everyone’s improved considerably since they first waddled their way through Sky Sport’s doors – no one is wheezing, puking, or complaining. Even Deenie’s traded in her old crybaby ways for a new, positive attitude. Even lazy Paisley looks like she could kick my ass. Gah, I have got to start working out.

Other changes – Outside, Greg Plitt runs into a hot blonde as he arrives for work. They come face to face by the front door. That’s not just any hot blonde, that’s Erika, sporting a new cut and color.

Greg just happens to be carrying a copy of their magazine cover shoot. He hands her a copy to keep and show the grandkids someday.

Fast forward to the year 2038.

Grandkid: What’s this, Grammy? Erika: It’s called a magazine. Grammy used to be a real hottie, back in her day. And guess what? I was once on this crazy reality show with Jackie Warner. Grandkid: You mean the first lesbian governor of California? Erika: That’s right, honey. Before she went into politics, Governor Warner was my boss. Imagine that!

OK, maybe not.

Advice – Because of her problems with Briana, Jackie seeks out the comfort and advice of friends and invites them out for sushi. Again? Is there no other food in L.A.? Work Out is single-handedly supporting Hollywood’s sushi industry, one maki roll at a time.

While they wait for their food, Jackie describes her girl troubles to her buds: Jesse, who’s happily dating someone, and Rebecca, who’s in the throes of her own breakup drama.

Jackie: Our first date, she moved out of her girlfriend’s house, really, and moved in with me … I asked her some months ago to keep a respectful distance from her ex-girlfriend. And I found out recently that her ex texted her that she loved her.

Jesse contemplates whether lesbians are more insane than gay men, and Rebecca reacts with her usual placid composure.

Jackie – with her One Strike and You’re Out rule – says she can’t even look at Briana anymore, she’s so controlling-slash-offended. Also, she now questions everything Briana ever said to her. This probably includes everything from her past, to her age, to what was really in those green, gloppy shakes.

Jackie had a subtle shirt made, to help her express her feelings.

Jesse: If there’s no trust, then there’s nothing. Jackie: So, I have to leave her, don’t I?

Rebecca and Jesse advise Jackie not to make any rash decisions. Jackie doesn’t particularly want to break up, because in a few short months, it’s already been better with Briana than anyone else. But wait, there’s more.

Jackie: Here’s the thing you guys don’t know: She adores me.

Check, please.

Jackie: And she’s all about me. And she’s been very supportive in so many ways. This is why I’m so floored because the lying that went [on] behind me, that she deceived me.

Jesse reminds Jackie that Briana is “a child.” Mature and wise Jackie declares that she doesn’t want to look at a woman in her 20s ever again. And she really means it this time. Seriously. For real now. Honest.

The last weigh-in – The next day, there are more upbeat, positive things to focus on. It’s the last weigh-in for the SkyLab kids. Most of them started out with body fat in the 30-40 percent range. Deenie came in at a whopping 54 percent body fat. Improvement is not an option; it’s non-negotiable if they want to live past 60. There is no such thing as an old fat person.

Everyone got off to a slow start, but Jackie reports the numbers are looking good. She scribbles weigh-in information on her super-secret clipboard. The final results require a calculator, some calipers and possibly Excel macros. In any event, the big reveal won’t be ready for a few days.

Those awesome communication skillz –Later that night, Briana and Jackie are in the bedroom. There are clothes everywhere. Sadly, they’re not having makeup sex. It’s laundry night. Or moving night, possibly. Whatever else it is, it’s definitely processing night.

They eye each other uneasily. Finally, Jackie breaks the lengthy silence and asks Briana what her plans are for the evening.

Briana: Why? What were you thinking? Jackie: I was thinking maybe I’d go to the movies. Briana: You going to the movies alone? Or you want to go to the movies together? Jackie: What do you want to do? Briana: Well, you said you would go to the movies. You didn’t say, “Do you want to go to the movies?” Jackie: Well, I was planning on going to the movies alone, but I would like for you to come, if you’d like to. Briana: Well, if you were “planning,” are you just saying you want time alone? What are you saying?

What are either of you saying? This is worse than the worst lesbian movie I’ve ever seen.

Please shoot me – Two minutes later, the clothes are folded, Jackie and Briana are lying on the bed, and we get this exchange.

Briana: Anything you want to talk about? Jackie: Mmm, no. You? Briana: Not if you have nothing to talk about. No. I mean, I guess we’re OK. Jackie: I definitely feel tension between us. Briana: Oh, well, no doubt. Maybe a few days … I don’t know. Do you need time? Jackie: It’s up to you. Briana: Well, it’s not really up to me. It’s up to us.

What are you thinking? I dunno, what are you thinking? What are you saying? That depends, what are you saying? Are you saying what you’re thinking, because you better be thinking about what you’re saying.

Is it possible to OD on lesbians?

Suddenly, they’re talking about having some alone time. Jackie doesn’t understand how they went from her going to a movie to spending a few days apart. How that happens, no one knows. It’s one of the great mysteries of lesbian life.

Jackie wants her alone time, but she also wants to have Briana nearby – like, say, in the guest bedroom. Briana doesn’t want to sleep in the guest room while knowing Jackie is in their room; she’d rather just stay at a friend’s house.

Jackie: Go on. Briana: “Go on” as in, you want me to leave now? Jackie: No, I’m saying that’s fine. Briana: We need to come to a compromise. Jackie: I just said, “Do whatever you want.”

Silence fills the room. Jackie sighs. Briana stares. Down the hallway, Pichu growls once. Stillness. Grass is growing, glaciers are melting, and I’m not getting any younger over here.

If Ingmar Bergman had been a lesbian, this is what it would have been like.

Eventually, Jackie gets up to go to her movie; I guess she’s still going to try and catch the 8:15 p.m. showing of Kung Fu Panda. Briana lies motionless on the bed and says lifelessly, “Enjoy your movie.”

What straight people do while we’re processing –Elsewhere, Greg has invited Renessa over for dinner.

Cooking for his date in his tidy, well-appointed house, with his pink shirt, hair product and manicured eyebrows, Greg Plitt is the very model of the metrosexual muscle man.

Renessa called ahead to say she’s bringing a third. Not that kind of third, you perv. Rebecca is tagging along because she’s newly single and lonely.

Renessa: Are you OK? Rebecca: Yeah, I’m better today. I’ve only had one rebound. That’s pretty good, right?

Renessa smirks knowingly. Rebecca admits she was tipsy and bumped uglies with a friend she’s known for five years. When did she start working for Jackie, again?

The girls watch with alarm as Greg dumps nine tablespoons of salt into a bowl. OK, maybe he’s no Top Chef, but at least he’s trying. I misjudged this guy. I’m sorry I ever called him Plitoris.

Greg starts to plate some weird halibut and mayo dish. Rebecca tries a piece and almost barfs.

Who wants to order pizza?

Leaving – Alone in the house with Pichu and a camera crew, Briana carries her bag to the front door. She sets her things down and goes into the kitchen to leave Jackie a goodbye note.

She signs it with an “XOXO” and picks Pichu up for one last hug. Grabbing her bag, her keys and the leash of a pug I’ve never seen before, Briana walks out of the house. Pichu stares at the front door, as he always does when Briana leaves. It’s always the kids who suffer the most.

Five seconds later Jackie comes back, as if she were lurking in the bushes. She reads the note and promptly throws it in the trash.

If there aren’t any reminders, there isn’t any problem, right? Shewt, everyone knows that.

Jackie sits down and immediately calls her personal 911. Over at Plitt’s Fish Shack, Rebecca’s ass starts buzzing and it’s not diarrhea from Greg’s halibut.

When the boss calls – Rebecca goes in the other room to take Jackie’s call. She hears her say that Briana’s “very clearly jeopar – made her decision.” That was an interesting slip o’ the tongue.

When your girlfriend refuses to tell you anything more than “Do whatever you want” and “It’s up to you,” it’s a trap. Right after they invented passive-aggressiveness, they invented this little game. Don’t fall for it, people!

Jackie then asks Rebecca, “Can you just please get your things and leave?” Jackie’s cry for help has Rebecca out the door so fast she doesn’t have time eat, which is just as well, because Greg’s idea of flavor comes with bonus hypertension.

After Rebecca leaves, hookup buddies Renessa and Greg are alone and sober for the first time. They sit down to eat Greg’s home-cooked dinner, and within minutes they realize something astonishing: They bore the crap out of each other. Heh. Another showmance hits the skids.

Rebecca comes running –Rebecca makes it over to Jackie’s in no time flat because when the one you admire most needs you, you become blind to stop lights.

Rebecca: Jackie is a strong, sexy, smart woman. And I fell for her. And the chemistry that we have is unparalleled. But at the end of the day, I am friends with Jackie and I am there for her if she needs to talk to me.

If only Rebecca were gay. Or if only Jackie was a dude. If only I had a billion dollars. Everyone would be so happy.

They sit down to discuss the Briana sitch. Rebecca reminds Jackie that Briana is so young that her mind is “still developing,” as if she’s a fetus with a nose stud and a cell phone.

Jackie admits she can be immature, too (No! Really?), but their actual age difference might end up being a deal-breaker.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

Jackie: I think that Briana and I have some trust issues with each other. And my biggest trust issue is that Briana was keeping the connection with her previous girlfriend and it was behind my back.

Jackie tells Dr. Shirley they have a couple of good days, and then a bad couple of hours. Oh, the horror. Clearly, this relationship is doomed.

Dr. Shirley wants deets, so Jackie volunteers that she’s not down with Briana’s ex, who’s “never fully let her go.” So, in other words, it’s your typical Tuesday in Lesbianville.

Jackie: We still get texts in the middle of the night, or late at night [saying] “I love you.”

“We”?

Briana: OK, no. I’ve always had good relationships with my ex-girlfriends. And she found it in my phone … Jackie: Don’t even start with that. Briana: I’m not. I’m just saying how … Jackie: Seriously. Don’t even start with that. Briana: M’kay, Jackie. Jackie: ‘Cause you look at my texts, like, 24/7.

Apparently, Jackie and Briana have an open text relationship.

But now that Briana’s in box holds I-love-you’s from her ex, it’s not OK anymore.

Jackie: I asked her to have a time period away from this person. Briana: And I did have a time period. Jackie: No, she didn’t. A time period for her was a week.

They go a couple of rounds over the definition of “week.”

Maybe I’m an idiot, but I never feel threatened by exes. Even when they come back, I still don’t care. There is something seriously wrong with me.

Dr. Shirley suggests that a lack of communication is the underlining problem. That may very well be, but even the idiot who is me can read this body language.

Jackie’s big enough to admit, “Hell, no, we’re not communicators” and “Briana and I suck,” and theorizes it’s because Briana communicates like a woman and she communicates more like a man.

Well, let’s see. Briana tries to talk Jackie into eating healthy food. Jackie likes to talk about her accomplishments. Briana said she appreciates Jackie’s giving spirit. Jackie never apologizes. Briana reaches out to Jackie and Jackie shrugs her off, saying, “Don’t touch me right now.”

Men may be from Mars and women may be from Venus, but Jackie’s from Uranus.

Dr. Shirley reminds the girls they’ve only been together four and a half months; they shouldn’t be in couples’ therapy already.

Dr. Shirley: I guess the most important question is, “Do I want to try and make this relationship work?”

The temperature in the office has dropped drastically. Jackie looks away. Briana sits nodding wordlessly. Eventually, Jackie and Briana leave the therapy session together. And by “together,” I mean they just happen to take the same elevator.

Going down.

Last push to the finish line –It’s the last day of SkyLab boot camp, and all the clients have assembled for one final training session. They do a bit of circuit training on Sky Sport’s glistening machines.

Everyone’s improved considerably since they first waddled their way through Sky Sport’s doors – no one is wheezing, puking, or complaining. Even Deenie’s traded in her old crybaby ways for a new, positive attitude. Even lazy Paisley looks like she could kick my ass. Gah, I have got to start working out.

Other changes – Outside, Greg Plitt runs into a hot blonde as he arrives for work. They come face to face by the front door. That’s not just any hot blonde, that’s Erika, sporting a new cut and color.

Greg just happens to be carrying a copy of their magazine cover shoot. He hands her a copy to keep and show the grandkids someday.

Fast forward to the year 2038.

Grandkid: What’s this, Grammy? Erika: It’s called a magazine. Grammy used to be a real hottie, back in her day. And guess what? I was once on this crazy reality show with Jackie Warner. Grandkid: You mean the first lesbian governor of California? Erika: That’s right, honey. Before she went into politics, Governor Warner was my boss. Imagine that!

OK, maybe not.

Advice – Because of her problems with Briana, Jackie seeks out the comfort and advice of friends and invites them out for sushi. Again? Is there no other food in L.A.? Work Out is single-handedly supporting Hollywood’s sushi industry, one maki roll at a time.

While they wait for their food, Jackie describes her girl troubles to her buds: Jesse, who’s happily dating someone, and Rebecca, who’s in the throes of her own breakup drama.

Jackie: Our first date, she moved out of her girlfriend’s house, really, and moved in with me … I asked her some months ago to keep a respectful distance from her ex-girlfriend. And I found out recently that her ex texted her that she loved her.

Jesse contemplates whether lesbians are more insane than gay men, and Rebecca reacts with her usual placid composure.

Jackie – with her One Strike and You’re Out rule – says she can’t even look at Briana anymore, she’s so controlling-slash-offended. Also, she now questions everything Briana ever said to her. This probably includes everything from her past, to her age, to what was really in those green, gloppy shakes.

Jackie had a subtle shirt made, to help her express her feelings.

Jesse: If there’s no trust, then there’s nothing. Jackie: So, I have to leave her, don’t I?

Rebecca and Jesse advise Jackie not to make any rash decisions. Jackie doesn’t particularly want to break up, because in a few short months, it’s already been better with Briana than anyone else. But wait, there’s more.

Jackie: Here’s the thing you guys don’t know: She adores me.

Check, please.

Jackie: And she’s all about me. And she’s been very supportive in so many ways. This is why I’m so floored because the lying that went [on] behind me, that she deceived me.

Jesse reminds Jackie that Briana is “a child.” Mature and wise Jackie declares that she doesn’t want to look at a woman in her 20s ever again. And she really means it this time. Seriously. For real now. Honest.

The last weigh-in – The next day, there are more upbeat, positive things to focus on. It’s the last weigh-in for the SkyLab kids. Most of them started out with body fat in the 30-40 percent range. Deenie came in at a whopping 54 percent body fat. Improvement is not an option; it’s non-negotiable if they want to live past 60. There is no such thing as an old fat person.

Everyone got off to a slow start, but Jackie reports the numbers are looking good. She scribbles weigh-in information on her super-secret clipboard. The final results require a calculator, some calipers and possibly Excel macros. In any event, the big reveal won’t be ready for a few days.

Those awesome communication skillz –Later that night, Briana and Jackie are in the bedroom. There are clothes everywhere. Sadly, they’re not having makeup sex. It’s laundry night. Or moving night, possibly. Whatever else it is, it’s definitely processing night.

They eye each other uneasily. Finally, Jackie breaks the lengthy silence and asks Briana what her plans are for the evening.

Briana: Why? What were you thinking? Jackie: I was thinking maybe I’d go to the movies. Briana: You going to the movies alone? Or you want to go to the movies together? Jackie: What do you want to do? Briana: Well, you said you would go to the movies. You didn’t say, “Do you want to go to the movies?” Jackie: Well, I was planning on going to the movies alone, but I would like for you to come, if you’d like to. Briana: Well, if you were “planning,” are you just saying you want time alone? What are you saying?

What are either of you saying? This is worse than the worst lesbian movie I’ve ever seen.

Please shoot me – Two minutes later, the clothes are folded, Jackie and Briana are lying on the bed, and we get this exchange.

Briana: Anything you want to talk about? Jackie: Mmm, no. You? Briana: Not if you have nothing to talk about. No. I mean, I guess we’re OK. Jackie: I definitely feel tension between us. Briana: Oh, well, no doubt. Maybe a few days … I don’t know. Do you need time? Jackie: It’s up to you. Briana: Well, it’s not really up to me. It’s up to us.

What are you thinking? I dunno, what are you thinking? What are you saying? That depends, what are you saying? Are you saying what you’re thinking, because you better be thinking about what you’re saying.

Is it possible to OD on lesbians?

Suddenly, they’re talking about having some alone time. Jackie doesn’t understand how they went from her going to a movie to spending a few days apart. How that happens, no one knows. It’s one of the great mysteries of lesbian life.

Jackie wants her alone time, but she also wants to have Briana nearby – like, say, in the guest bedroom. Briana doesn’t want to sleep in the guest room while knowing Jackie is in their room; she’d rather just stay at a friend’s house.

Jackie: Go on. Briana: “Go on” as in, you want me to leave now? Jackie: No, I’m saying that’s fine. Briana: We need to come to a compromise. Jackie: I just said, “Do whatever you want.”

Silence fills the room. Jackie sighs. Briana stares. Down the hallway, Pichu growls once. Stillness. Grass is growing, glaciers are melting, and I’m not getting any younger over here.

If Ingmar Bergman had been a lesbian, this is what it would have been like.

Eventually, Jackie gets up to go to her movie; I guess she’s still going to try and catch the 8:15 p.m. showing of Kung Fu Panda. Briana lies motionless on the bed and says lifelessly, “Enjoy your movie.”

What straight people do while we’re processing –Elsewhere, Greg has invited Renessa over for dinner.

Cooking for his date in his tidy, well-appointed house, with his pink shirt, hair product and manicured eyebrows, Greg Plitt is the very model of the metrosexual muscle man.

Renessa called ahead to say she’s bringing a third. Not that kind of third, you perv. Rebecca is tagging along because she’s newly single and lonely.

Renessa: Are you OK? Rebecca: Yeah, I’m better today. I’ve only had one rebound. That’s pretty good, right?

Renessa smirks knowingly. Rebecca admits she was tipsy and bumped uglies with a friend she’s known for five years. When did she start working for Jackie, again?

The girls watch with alarm as Greg dumps nine tablespoons of salt into a bowl. OK, maybe he’s no Top Chef, but at least he’s trying. I misjudged this guy. I’m sorry I ever called him Plitoris.

Greg starts to plate some weird halibut and mayo dish. Rebecca tries a piece and almost barfs.

Who wants to order pizza?

Leaving – Alone in the house with Pichu and a camera crew, Briana carries her bag to the front door. She sets her things down and goes into the kitchen to leave Jackie a goodbye note.

She signs it with an “XOXO” and picks Pichu up for one last hug. Grabbing her bag, her keys and the leash of a pug I’ve never seen before, Briana walks out of the house. Pichu stares at the front door, as he always does when Briana leaves. It’s always the kids who suffer the most.

Five seconds later Jackie comes back, as if she were lurking in the bushes. She reads the note and promptly throws it in the trash.

If there aren’t any reminders, there isn’t any problem, right? Shewt, everyone knows that.

Jackie sits down and immediately calls her personal 911. Over at Plitt’s Fish Shack, Rebecca’s ass starts buzzing and it’s not diarrhea from Greg’s halibut.

When the boss calls – Rebecca goes in the other room to take Jackie’s call. She hears her say that Briana’s “very clearly jeopar – made her decision.” That was an interesting slip o’ the tongue.

When your girlfriend refuses to tell you anything more than “Do whatever you want” and “It’s up to you,” it’s a trap. Right after they invented passive-aggressiveness, they invented this little game. Don’t fall for it, people!

Jackie then asks Rebecca, “Can you just please get your things and leave?” Jackie’s cry for help has Rebecca out the door so fast she doesn’t have time eat, which is just as well, because Greg’s idea of flavor comes with bonus hypertension.

After Rebecca leaves, hookup buddies Renessa and Greg are alone and sober for the first time. They sit down to eat Greg’s home-cooked dinner, and within minutes they realize something astonishing: They bore the crap out of each other. Heh. Another showmance hits the skids.

Rebecca comes running –Rebecca makes it over to Jackie’s in no time flat because when the one you admire most needs you, you become blind to stop lights.

Rebecca: Jackie is a strong, sexy, smart woman. And I fell for her. And the chemistry that we have is unparalleled. But at the end of the day, I am friends with Jackie and I am there for her if she needs to talk to me.

If only Rebecca were gay. Or if only Jackie was a dude. If only I had a billion dollars. Everyone would be so happy.

They sit down to discuss the Briana sitch. Rebecca reminds Jackie that Briana is so young that her mind is “still developing,” as if she’s a fetus with a nose stud and a cell phone.

Jackie admits she can be immature, too (No! Really?), but their actual age difference might end up being a deal-breaker.

Jackie: I would not have moved her in, knowing an ounce of what I know now. I honestly thought that we had our stuff together. And I really think she’s a great person and I really love her – which she is, and I do. But I started feeling safe enough and feeling really comfortable with the idea of, like, OK, I might be able to say “forever” with this one.

I’m still not clear where an age problem exists. Or is it really the ex and the text, and its wrecks and effects? One thing is becoming clear: Jackie doesn’t want a relationship where she’s the only one taking Boniva.

Whatever happens with Briana, Jackie and Rebecca will always have each other and their platonic romance. Or romantic friendship. Or whatever it is going on between them.

The big reveal – The next day, Jackie and the trainers are out on the Sky Sport deck. There’s a buzz of anticipation in the air. Jackie announces it’s the moment they’ve all been waiting for. No, Bravo has not announced Season 4 – it’s the SkyLabbers’ big reveal day.

Micah is the first to emerge. Over the course of the SkyLab program, Agostina tore him down and rebuilt him from the loafers up, ridding him of 23 pounds, several inches and any hint of heterosexuality.

Paisley sashays out next, wearing a skimpy top and a big smile. After working with Rebecca, she lost more than 25 pounds and gained “inner glow.”

Jackie likes glow.

Up next it’s everyone’s favorite problem child, Deenie. If she wasn’t whining about her cankle, thumb or thyroid, she was crying or yelling at Gregg. It’s all in the past now, and she steps out to show off her new look, sans 33 pounds of excuses and self-pity.

Greg Plitt tells everyone she’s also quit the bottle and cut her smoking down to half a pack a day. Not the bottle and the smokes! Is there such a thing as going too far?

Erika’s client Damon strolls out next. He’s shaved his beard, cut his hair and lost the eyeglasses. He’s also lost 16 pounds.

Guaranteed to vomit during every single run, Shannon the Chunk Blower is now Shannon, the Mind Blower – she’s lost an impressive 44.5 pounds working out with sweet, gentle J.D.

Jesse and his client Natalie are next. She’s wearing her Goal Dress, the one with the terrifying straps and way too much skin exposure.

Jesse hands Natalie some flowers and everyone starts to tear up, listening to Natalie describe what it was like to lose more than 51 pounds and also find herself again, thanks to Jesse.

Natalie: I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, and I owe it to this man. He transformed me from the inside out. It could not have been possible without him.

Jesse wipes away tears of pride and joy when he hears Natalie say, “It’s just about being fabulous,” because he knows his work as a super-gay super-trainer is done.

Just as everyone finishes wiping their noses on their sleeves, Tyra comes blowing in dressed to impress.

After a questionable start marked by perpetual tardiness, Tyra came around mid-program, and with her fierce determination and crazy, gung-ho ways, she lost 28 big ones and is “still going.”

This is the best part of the show. Jackie’s the-showmance-must-go-on dramas, Rebecca’s shenanigans, the trainers and their extracurriculars – they’re all interesting in a train wreck sort of a way, but when a formerly sad fat girl says she’s finally happy because she can see her toes for the first time since eighth grade, it makes me want to hug Valerie Bertinelli. At least that’s what I tell myself.

How to drop 108 pounds in five minutes –After the SkyLabbers have been released into the wild, it’s a quiet day at the gym. Jackie’s in her office doing Sudokus or something equally important when Briana steps off the elevator with some makeup flowers.

Oh honey, you are so sweet, but you don’t give flowers to a butch. A better butch gesture would be to bring a wrist cuff, some batteries or a new drill bit.

That said, Jackie is not a real butch.

Hair-fixing and smiling at the sight of a bouquet of roses are clear indicators that Mack Jackie is a closet femme. And probably a bottom.

Jackie seems positively giddy about Briana’s surprise visit.

Jackie: What are you doing? Briana: Thought about you a lot today. And I was kinda in the area and maybe, ya know … just surprise you. It’s nice to see you … Jackie: [overlapping Briana] … Pichu misses you. Briana: Pichu misses me? Jackie: Pichu misses you. Briana: I miss him, too. Jackie: Yeah, he’s been really depressed. Not me, I’m fine. Briana: Of course you’re fine. Jackie: Yeah …

Briana’s smile slowly fades. Awkward silence. It’s amazing how two people can go from playing Prisoner and the Warden’s Wife to not being able to converse – all in less than five months. Finally, Jackie asks, “Where do you think we should go from here?”

Hoo boy. Here we go again.

Briana wants to make it work, but they both have to want it – she’s not going to go it alone. Jackie warns her it’s going to be a lot of work and exhausting. This is a woman who will push herself through the hundredth lunge, the third hour of cardio, the bazillionth crunch, but she’s put off by having to occasionally disagree over boundaries for exes.

I guess losing control of your sphincter in the 25th mile of a run isn’t as messy as losing control to someone who’s 12 years your junior.

Briana: If you can tell me that you’re ready to work at it, too … Jackie: Are we making up, is that it? Briana: Are we making up?

Jackie doesn’t answer. She smiles and studies Briana’s face. Next thing we know, Jackie’s thanking Briana for stopping by, and Briana leaves. What the hell? Is that what you people call a cliff-hanger?

The sun never sets on Sky Sport –As dusk approaches on yet another season, Jackie gets in some boxing to clear her head and beat life’s little confusions into submission.

Jackie summarizes the season as only she can.

Jackie: This time in my life, I feel, is a very full-circle time. Everything I’ve worked so hard for in my life is now coming together – all of my business opportunities, SkyLab is huge – it’s really taking off. I’m feeling more confident in my staff. They’re the best at what they do. And as an owner of a gym, I live for trainers like that.

Blah, blah, blah.

“I go through phases of missing Briana,” Jackie says as the end credits roll.

So, there you have it. Yes, they broke up.

Jackie: Do I look past tomorrow? No, not anymore.

I approve of Jackie’s new philosophy. Maturity is way over-rated.

In Season 1, Jackie was in a long-term relationship and toyed with the idea of having a baby. In Season 2, she fooled around with one of her employees while she was dating someone else. This year, she’s decided the future isn’t worth worrying about at all. Things really have come full-circle. I think we’re back in high school.

And that’s Season 3, kiddies. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for sticking it out with me and leaving comments, especially the ones about laughing until you peed. If I made even one reader wet their pants, my work here is done.

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