Rehearsals — Everyone meets at a dance studio
to rehearse the DVD routines. Jackie saunters in last, of course, while Andrea
checks her watch for the umpteenth time. I love the way Jackie is physically
incapable of being on time for anything.
there to lead the group in some bouncy dance aerobics, even though the Sky
Sport trainers were still in diapers when that
was all the rage. Jesse watches Jackie from the back row and laughs his ass
Jackie Warner dancercise was one of the best moments of my life.
then suggests some arm lunges reminiscent of Saturday Night Fever. Jackie puts a stop to the insanity.
Jackie: Oh, I’m
not gonna doing that.
Jackie: No, that’s not me …
Jesse: It’s fun, Jackie, c’mon!
Jackie: That is not cool.
smiles and moves on to something equally bouncy, flouncy and, well, there’s
really no other way to describe it: straight housewife-y. Now Rebecca is
cracking up, too.
Jackie: Oh boy. I
just can’t do anything that’s so not like me. I feel retarded.
Andrea: OK, OK, stop, stop, stop. Let’s
talk about this.
listens as Jackie explains that her weight lifting, hardcore style doesn’t mesh
with dancercising. Keli is like a two-pound hand weight, coated in friendly pink
latex. Jackie is a 12-pounder, forged from raw cast iron. Jackie declares, "I’m
not going to make an ass out of myself."
eyes narrow into suspicious slits and the rest of the trainers watch with glee,
Jackie makes a case for doing things the Sky Sport way: boxing, ass kicking,
all things masculine. I have to say I agree. They came to Jackie, wanting to
make a buck on her name and fame, and now they’re trying to remake her into some
kind of aerobics bunny. It’s a crime against nature.
finally brings something to the table: a group warm-up followed by one-on-one
segments with each trainer, broken down by body sections — upper, lower and
core. Keli clenches her teeth, smiles and suggests they "kinda play with"
Jackie’s idea, for she knows that long after Jackie Warner’s video is done, she’ll
still be cranking out those lady dancercises with Andrea.
leads her kids in a drill, the Sky Sport way.
shows us what it is she likes best about Rebecca.