Jackie closes the door in
Brian’s face because the room is too small for both their egos. Brian would love
to go postal, but he respects his late friend too much, so instead, he takes a
WWDD ("What Would Doug Do?") moment. Doug would have given everyone a
big hug, and with that in mind, Brian wanders off to find a pair of breasts to hug,
even though his fists are clenched.
If you’re new to this
show, there’s something you should know. There are no normal people here.
Double dating and double-taking — Jackie’s friend and Sky Sport
trainer, Jesse, has a boyfriend now, and they invite their lesbian counterparts
out on a double date at Geisha House, a trendy Hollywood restaurant where the
women are as thin as the chopsticks.
consists of Jackie announcing to her best girlfriend, Jesse, that she and Briana
are living together. All Jesse can do is smirk, while his boyfriend sensibly
stays out of the fray and helps himself to more tuna roll. Jackie says she
remembers meeting Briana and thinking after five
minutes, "I’m in love." They’ve gone straight past showmance and
right into what-the-F-mance.
The only way Jackie could
top that would be to reveal that after a good half-hour’s consideration, Briana
has decided to carry Jackie’s fertilized embryos. But hey, the night is still
The only other topic to
gnaw on is Brian Peeler’s ongoing friction with Jackie. This one’s been picked
over for two seasons, and all that’s left are the bones.
"It’s not like I
kicked him in the balls or anything," she says about Brian being left out
of the meeting. Well, there are physical balls, and there are mental balls. If
anyone should understand that, it’s Jackie. And yet she never fires him and he
won’t quit. What’s that saying about doing the same thing over and over and
expecting a different result?
Just another Tuesday — The next day, we meet a Sky Sport employee who
doesn’t have sculpted elbows and 2 percent body fat. Lisa is Jackie’s new managing
She hands the boss her
schedule and takes a good look at her.
Lisa: Stand up.
Jackie: Why? What did I do?
Lisa: Stand up.
Jackie: What did I do?
Jackie stands up with great
Lisa: Lift your shirt up.
Lisa: You are fat!
Jackie: I am not fat! I’m just
Jackie wedges her
lard-ass back into her stress-fractured chair, the floor beneath her groaning
under the strain, as Lisa scolds her for not working out enough.
Elsewhere, another new
trainer, Agostina, is on the front lines of the war on fat, beating back the
advancing forces of cellulite that threaten to take over Beverly Hills. Agostina comes to Sky Sport by
way of winning a personal trainer contest where she laid everyone low with her
She seems down-to-earth
and is probably the new Zen, who’s over by the bar at the Comedy Store, waiting
to go on.