A trip to the mall — It’s all coming together. The samples are just as Jackie dreamt they would be. The photo shoot went well because Jackie only hires hot women. The girls take a ride to the mall to check out their display at Paiva, the retail chain that will be carrying the line. When they see the clothes in the store window, everyone but Jackie squeals with delight. Jackie’s not a squealer (that we know of), but she does continue to impress the crap out of herself.
Jackie: Walking up to the storefront and seeing the posters of me and all of my clothes there — it was a "wow" moment. When I walked into the store, I got a very warm reception from the Paiva people.
Me, me, me! Enough about me, what do you think about me?
Rebecca is so drinking her girlfriend’s Kool-Aid, she thinks Jackie’s morning breath is a breeze from heaven. So natch, she just adores Jackie’s color, cut and look. I can’t tell if she’s talking about a Brazilian wax or the clothes.
Score another win for Jackie Warner.
— The Skylabbers are working their ample asses off as the final weigh-in draws near. Carol is turning out to be the most competitive and scampers on her hamster wheel at a frenetic pace. Tess doesn’t seem to be working very hard, although you can tell she thinks she is, as she trudges along on the treadmill next to Carol.
Jackie is still working with Doug’s client, ass-chest girl Laurie. She straddles Laurie, who’s on her back lifting her ass up and down as Jackie exerts opposite resistance with a big yellow ball.
Jackie: Good â€¦ that’s right. Really dig in with your heels. Focus on the back of your leg, your hamstring and your butt on this, OK?
Laurie: Is this going to give me a J. Lo booty?
Jackie: It is absolutely going to give you J. Lo booty. You’re not far from J. Lo booty.
What Jackie fails to mention is that when she said, "J. Lo booty," she was referring to Jon Lovitz.
To be fair, Laurie looks energized. She reports that she feels mentally and physically different. The endorphins are kicking in, and she didn’t even think they existed before coming to Sky Sport.
By the dawn’s early light
— Jesse drives three and a half hours to Las Vegas to see Jasmine sing the national anthem at an NBA game for 40 seconds. He gets there just in time to find out she doesn’t even have a solo. She stands out on the court with two other girls. There’s three and a half hours he’ll never get back.
But if Doug taught him anything, it’s to embrace the people you love. Jasmine strains for that note no one can hit and only dogs can hear: "â€¦ and the rocket’s red GLAArrre â€¦" Jesse wipes away a patriotic tear.
The last weigh-in — The Skylabbers have run out of time: It’s time to get the final results. No more sweating, grunting and straining for the payoff. The season is almost over. I guess this mean Jabecca is done sweating, grunting and straining for the payoff, too?
The hydrostatic dunk tank is back, and everyone goes under. Jackie also measures and weighs everyone. Today, the fashion diva’s wearing a hideously patterned shirt and blue-and-white plaid Bermuda shorts that don’t match her top. Rodney Dangerfield called. He wants his golf pants back.
Jackie holds the results in her hot little hands. She calls Kiki into her office. Kiki — who, if you recall, was there to inspire her brothers to lose weight — has gained seven pounds and increased inches on every part of her body. She’s a Skylab washout. Kiki claims she’s too busy studying to work out. Whatever. Jackie tries to impart the fact that unless she gets off her butt, she will never feel good or look good. Jackie releases Kiki back into the wild. So, good luck with your hypertension. So long.
The clients who remain are gathered together for their test results. Carol, the hamster, lost a total of 24.5 impressive pounds. Floyd, the homeless man, lost 21.75 pounds. If he would get a fricking haircut, he’d lose another pound. The Chubby Lesbians, Amy and Dina, both lost an identical nine pounds each. Shocking.
Tess had some ups and downs. She gained 15 pounds halfway through the program, but in the end, she lost it all again. Tess ended up where she started. I don’t know why she’s smiling about going nowhere. She also has some news of her own: She’s taking courses to become a trainer, making her the world’s only 241-pound female trainer not from Eastern Europe or with an extra Y chromosome.
Meaghan, the reporter, lost 10 pounds, and she’s stoked none of her jeans fit anymore. Rita, the hotel concierge, lost a whopping half a pound. Good job! Laurie, the ass-chest girl, lost a truly astounding 40 pounds. That’s the equivalent of giving birth to a five-year-old boy. Laurie knows her life has changed forever, and part of that is because of her original trainer, Doug.
Laurie: If Doug could see me now, yeah, he would be so proud of me. He was always really there and gave me great encouragement. I wish that he could see me now. And he probably [can].
A celebration — To celebrate everyone’s success with Skylab, Jackie throws one last big party on the outdoor deck at the gym. It’s a cool afternoon, so everyone’s dressed in wraps and jackets. They can’t show off their slimmer, toner physiques, but that’s OK, they know they’re there.
Erika can see the positive change in the clients’ attitudes. It could be the champagne, but what do I know? Jackie thanks everyone "for making the start of my dream come true."
Jackie: I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime in these past few months. I found new relationships in totally unexpected places, and although I don’t know where they’ll end up, I feel free for the first time in a long time.
In the background, the Flynt Communications building rises above the skyline. Flynt is the publisher of Hustler magazine. Heh.