Cheo and Brian bring each other down some more — Cheo continues to come to the gym to work on getting in shape, even though he’s already built like the guy made of rocks in The Fantastic Four. Brian works with Cheo because he thinks that’s what Doug would’ve wanted. As Cheo does his curls, he tells Brian again about Doug’s entire family dying young, the multiple funerals they went to when they were together, and how living past 43 was Doug’s only wish.
Brian tells Cheo a story of his own. Shortly after Doug died, he was taking a break from unloading his car. While he sat on the curb, a hummingbird flew over and hovered in front of him. Brian held out his hand and the hummingbird alighted in his palm. Days later at the memorial service, one of Doug’s friends says that Doug always wanted to be a hummingbird. Cheo starts to cry.
Egad, this kind of thing scares me. Are the weights going to start floating around the gym? Is everyone going to start feeling like they’re being hugged, but there’s no one there? Frightening clients until they poop their pants is not a legit weight-loss program, Doug.
An appointment with Dr. Shirley
— Jackie goes to see her therapist. Dr. Shirley didn’t know anything about Doug passing away. Jackie says she was with Rebecca when they got the news and thankfully, they had each other to lean on. This brings the conversation to Jackie’s love life. Jackie claims she’s dating two women, but we haven’t seen Big Tiff in a long time — this is mos def the Jabecca show. Jackie just loves Rebecca’s affectionate, ass-grabby ways and reports that they crack each other up. These two have absolutely no future together, but why shouldn’t Jackie ride this wave out anyway? We don’t have to put every woman we date in our wills. Lesbians. So earnest.
Living in the grey
— Jackie and Rebecca do more than lie around in Jackie’s king-size bed making out. Today, they’re out at the golf range and making out. Rebecca can’t decide if she’s a righty or a lefty. I think she’s clearly ambi-curious. They spend more time hanging all over each other than actually hitting their bucket of balls. And it always ends with Rebecca climbing onto Jackie and wrapping her legs around her waist like a chimp.
Rebecca says they relate to each other on every level, and it’s all so confusing dating a woman. When it comes to their relationship, Rebecca’s creative vocabulary fails her, so she chooses not to define the undefinable. She wants to live in the grey. And although she claims she doesn’t care about Tiffany, she totally does because, ya know, she’s a girl.
Rebecca: I don’t compare myself to Tiffany. We’re very different. She has, like, little rat teeth and she’s got totally big gums. And you never see her smile, and she shouldn’t. Ever. But I really can’t say that because she’s so sweet â€¦ and who can help their mouth?
Anyway, Jackie’s about as good at driving a golf ball as she is at hitting a softball. Here’s some breaking news: Balls are not Jackie’s thing.
Jesse has friends?
— An old friend has come to visit Jesse. Well, she isn’t so much an old friend as his ex-fiancée. That’s right, you heard right. Seems at one point, Little Miss Sunshine was engaged not just to a woman, but to a Vegas stripper — I mean showgirl — named Jasmine. They broke off their engagement when Jesse figured out he didn’t want to have a Vegas showgirl so much as be a Vegas showgirl.
Jesse reminds her of the fateful day he came out to her, but it turned out that she already knew. A girl always knows. Was it his love of show tunes that tipped her off? Or the fact that he took his best female friend to his prom? Maybe it was the way he called out Jared Leto’s name in his sleep?
The fact is, she knew, and yet, she still said yes to the engagement ring — which confirms in my mind that straight women will put up with just about anything to have a man.
Cheo isn’t the only one with heath issues. Jasmine had her thyroid removed recently, and she has the tell-tale decapitation scar on her neck to prove it. She’s in town to have Jesse work her back into showgirl shape.
He takes her over to Sky Sport, which is fast becoming the premiere facility for people with bum organs and glands. Out on the deck, Jesse’s developed a Showgirl Workout program that consists of high-stepping kicks and jumping around. Jasmine should be back in sequins and flesh-colored unitards in no time.
She invites him to Vegas to watch her sing the national anthem at a basketball game. Sure, why not? It’s only a three and a half hour drive to see something that takes two seconds. What are gay ex-fiancées for?