Girls’ Night â€” Rebecca rings Jackie’s doorbell. She’s wearing a short, leopard-print jacket that screams "stripper fashion show!" Clearly, the girl has taste.
Jackie reveals she’s "opening her door a little bit" to Rebecca, because she’s never really spent quality time with her. Rebecca takes off her faux jacket and hoists her butt up onto Jackie’s kitchen countertop. Classy.
Rebecca: I’m ready to get my swerve on.
Jackie: I’ve never taken you to a lesbian bar, have I?
Rebecca: No. I’m down with that.
Rebecca: I’ve hooked up with a girl â€¦
Here we go. Rebecca launches into her girl hookup story. Straight girls love to brag about their one girl experience, if they’ve had one.
Rebecca: Jackie, I was like a dude with no game! I was like [squeezing imaginary boobs in the air with both hands].
Jackie: Oh, you were?
Rebecca: Oh my God, yeah. I had no game. I didn’t know what to do! I’m so uncomfortable with the female body. Give me a penis, I could do that all day.
Rebecca admits that without her sake buzz, it was less than she’d hoped for. She ended up wigging out and left, probably heading for the nearest Chippendale’s.
Because sharing is caring, Jackie tells Rebecca she was 13 when she had her first experience with a girl. And a boy. Not at the same time, though. Rebecca calls her boss a slut. Jackie admits she was a slut, but a secret slut.
Rebecca counters that she was a tease. She got the boys all worked up and then said, "Can’t touch this." Apparently, she’s gotten over the parochial ways of her youth, because at the gym, you most certainly can touch this. And that too, if you want.
In the bathroom, Jackie tries on a few outfits for her big night out. Rebecca sits on the edge of the tub watching Jackie jam herself into skin-tight jeans. I’m so over this look. When will the sausage casing look be over? Only 10 percent of the population should be wearing jeans that tight. I have two words for the rest of you: cargo pants.
Jackie finally decides on a tighty-tight pair of black jeans and a white tank. Her faux-hawk fashionably spiked and coiffed, Jackie climbs into a stretch limo with Rebecca, and they head out into the electrified night.
A brush with fame. For everyone else, that is â€” At the lesbian bar, East/West (which technically is a lesbian bar only one night a week â€” even in L.A.!), Jackie’s a big celebrity. Upon arrival, she runs into Honey Labrador, whom she introduces to Rebecca. Reality worlds collide! (See, all lesbians do know each other.)
Everyone knows, or wants to know, Jackie Warner. Rebecca suddenly looks very small. She stands in the background looking a little lost. Flirty, wild and attention-hungry Rebecca is reduced to holding Jackie’s purse. (By the way, that purse has got to go. Jackie and a purse are about as natural-looking as Rosie O’Donnell in a dress.)
Rebecca just stands there chomping on her chewing gum, awestruck, watching her boss making the rounds and pressing the flesh. Finally, she’s given something to do: Take a picture of Jackie with two admirers. Make yourself useful, honey. And when you’re done, get me another martooni.
Eventually, the night downshifts a gear, and Jackie and Rebecca are hanging out on a couch. Jackie’s idly applying lip gloss. Someone off-camera says to them, "I think you guys should just make out and have sex and get it over with." Jackie says "ooh" or "ew" or "who?" Seriously, I’m going deaf. Maybe Bette can teach me sign language?
Turns out, Jackie said "Who?" The instigator off-camera says she meant Jackie and Rebecca. Jackie is weary with the very idea.
Jackie: Ugh, no.
Friend: You’re hanging on her like â€¦
Jackie: That’s ’cause she’s flirty.
Jackie reaches over and starts painting lip gloss on Rebecca’s pouty, waiting lips. Who’s flirty?
Jackie: I wouldn’t do that with Rebecca. She’s like a little sister.
Jackie: It’s the truth.
Rebecca: Shut up. You know you want to do me.
Jackie: I don’t want to do you. [to her friend] I really don’t want to do her. No, I don’t.
The lesbian doth protest too much, methinks. Heh.
Rebecca’s ego is hurt. Straight girls may not want to sleep with you, but they get five kinds of insulted if you don’t want to sleep with them. Am I right?