In the dunk tank â€” To get a good analysis of what the trainer will be working with, all the new clients have to go for a hydrostatic weigh-in. What is that, you ask? Well, it’s only all the rage in the industry. Basically, by obtaining your regular weight and your water weight, a special computer can scientifically calculate your body fat as a percentage of your total weight. Pinch-an-inch is so five minutes ago.
To submit to the test, the clients have to don bathing suits and completely submerge themselves in a dunk tank. This is also a good test of how serious these people are about losing weight. At over 200 pounds, you wouldn’t go on national television in a swimsuit unless you were serious, I’m guessing.
Everyone is understandably mortified, but they’re all good sports. Jackie shows some mercy and doesn’t broadcast everyone’s results to the world.
At the gym â€” Doug is working with his client and friend Don. Don does not need a personal trainer. Don could be a personal trainer. Don claims he’s out of shape, as evidenced by the fact that his bulging arms and perfect abs are nowhere near ready for his 16th triathlon. Holy hell. If this guy’s "out of shape," I’m Jabba the Hutt.
Jesse is working with a client of his own, but on the other side of the gym. Jesse and Doug aren’t really talking to each other these days. They’ve been up to their nipples in he said/he said drama after they each took offense to what the other said in dueling interviews at the end of last season. It’s been chilly in the gym ever since.
Jesse: Last week, Doug and I had a conflict. Since then, there’s been a lot of tension in the gym between Doug and I. It’s like we’re living this really bad soap opera.
Doug: Jesse and I have had this issue for about eight months. We haven’t really talked. Jesse and I don’t even say "hi." There’s tension between us. He’s gotten all the trainers involved and they all have an opinion about it. It’s been the talk of the gym.
Drama is alive and well at Sky Sport & Spa.
Even though Jackie eagerly lapped up the gym gossip last week, she’s now had enough and tells Jesse to fix it. When it comes right down to it, you don’t mess with Jackie’s businesses.
My life on the D list â€” Comedian Kathy Griffin steps off the elevator and into the gym. Awesome. Love her. Kathy is so awesome; Jackie admits she was nervous to meet her.
Kathy lifts her shirt and shows Jackie her very soft, very white underbelly.
Kathy: Have you ever seen a washboard like that â€¦ seriously. Ya know, the lesbians are not afraid to be muscle-y. So, Jackie’s nice and muscle-y and sinewy. She seems so sweet and nice and smart, as well as being super hot and sexy.
Kathy, honey, put the shovel down.
Out on the gym floor, Jackie shows Kathy some treadmill tricks. She teaches her to jog on it backward to get a different kind of workout. Kathy almost goes zipping off the belt. They’re both cracking up, and Jackie has to hold Kathy by the hips to keep her from flying right into her face. I hope Jackie has insurance. The treadmill slows to a stop.
Jackie: You took five years off my life.
Kathy: I think you counted too slowly. I think it should be like this. "Ten more â€¦ and â€¦ four."
Out on the deck, Kathy’s got boxing gloves on now. Oh, great. Jackie shows her how to jab with the right, jab with the left, and bring both hands up to protect the face in a one-two-three combo. Kathy’s bouncing on her toes (well, sort of) and repeating "protect me, protect me" every time she gets to step three. And she kind of hits like a girl.
Jackie’s not having any of that wimpy crap and tells Kathy to show some rage. Kathy steps it up and it goes all spazzy for a second. "Protect my fortune!" Kathy yells as she covers her face with both gloves. Kathy, you rock.
Next, Jackie tells Kathy to get down and do push-ups on her boxing gloves.
Kathy: Like a boy? What?
Jackie: I’m going to help you.
Kathy: I’m going to fall on my face!
Jackie: No, you’re not. I’m right here.
Kathy: I had a nose job, Jackie, I cannot injure my new nose.
Jackie: Three, squeeze. Four â€¦ five â€¦
Kathy: It’s not really a new nose; it’s 5 years old. The point is, it wasn’t cheap, Jackie.
I don’t think Kathy Griffin will be back at Sky Sport & Spa any time soon.