Jackie’s Posse â€” Later that morning at Sky Sport, the trainers are working out, and Jackie’s in her office. She watches her staff from her window.
Jackie: [voice-over] I think all of the success of Sky Sport has totally gone to their heads.
From what I recall, her trainers never had self-esteem problems. They must be insufferable now. Jesse brags, "I’m young, I’m fun and I’m the favorite," which he is. Erika puts it her way: She says Jesse is Jackie’s "little bitch." Why Jackie chose him as the Robin to her Batman is beyond me. I’d much rather kick around with someone who looks like Angelina Jolie.
Jesse’s not only a professional trainer; he reports that he also recently graduated from culinary school. That means he can stuff your face now and make you work off the extra poundage at the gym later. He’s a full-service kind of gay. There’s only one thing. Jesse doesn’t look so buff anymore.
Brian: He cooks, then he eats, then he worâ€” no. He cooks, then he cooks and eats again. Yeah, that’s Jesse.
There’s Rebecca â€” who never met a butt she didn’t like â€” spanking a female client. She also spanks her co-workers. And her boss. Jackie doesn’t even seem to mind. California ‘s laws on sexual harassment in the workplace must be different from where you and I live. Jesse’s take on Rebecca:
Jesse: A little on the obnoxiously unfiltered side. â€¦ And maybe â€¦ [she] could consider wearing underwear every once in a while?
Doug’s on a machine working his enormous thigh muscles. Everyone loves Doug. Even Brian, who’s about as urbane and worldly as a truck driver, calls Doug "the gay brother I never had." Doug won’t kiss your ass. He won’t slap your ass. Despite being a gay man, Doug leaves your ass alone.
Andre is like a parrot when he says for the umpteenth time, "I demand 110 percent." OK, we get it. Although I don’t respond well to demands, Andre seems nice enough. I would give him 10 percent, 11 times.
There’s the new guy, Gregg. Gregg claims he’s "diabolical" and "hard-core." This does not sound like someone who used to date anyone named Zen. Zen, by the way, assures us her parents were not flower children.
Erika "walks the walk and talks the talk." I’ve always thought that was the dumbest expression. In Erika’s case, the "walk" is that of someone with a big stick up her ass. Oh yes, Erika may very well be a good time, but they never show us that. Zen puts a positive spin on Erika because Zen can put a positive spin on anything.
Zen: Erika can be the best bitchy friend that you’ve got. She takes s— from no one.
Meanwhile, Brian not so much takes s— but dishes it out. His personal philosophy of "if you don’t like me, you can go to hell" earns him many friends and admirers such as, say, Jesse.
Jesse: Brian is always saying, "These are the hands of Michelangelo." I don’t think Brian really knows who Michelangelo is.
A day at the beach â€” To gauge the readiness of her staff for SkyFlab, Jackie brings the trainers to the beach to test their mettle. Jackie wants "100 percent or nothing at all," which is great news for Andre, who’s ready to make change. Yeah, I don’t know. If he can play fast and loose with math, so can I.
Jackie walks up to the group as they wait for her in the sand. Nobody looks terribly happy to be there.
Jackie: We’re going to be working with some clients that need us to help them really, really drop some serious weight. So I want to see how you guys are doing in terms of your own fitness level. I want you guys to show me what you can bring to SkyLab. I want you to bring at least one exercise to the table today that you think will fit every fitness profile.
Everyone takes their shirts off. I haven’t seen that many six-packs since Saturday night. Rebecca and Erika stand there all casual with their arms of sinew and cobblestone tummies. Doug’s abs look like an overstuffed pan of dinner rolls. Jesse hasn’t moved. He just holds his shirt by the hem. Jackie asks what the hold up is. Finally, Jesse takes off his shirt to reveal two blobs of love handles and a serious gut. Whoa. What the hell happened to him? One too many profiteroles, I think.
Jesse: I’m not fat. I’m gay-fat, maybe. Gay-chubby, maybe.
And it’s true. If he were a straight man, his new man-boobs would look totally normal.
The trainers are running sprints in the sand, which, as anyone who’s ever run on sand knows, sucks. Jesse drops to his hands and knees, his cow belly swaying under him. Jackie further tortures them with stationary exercises and shouts of "get those knees up!" and "c’mon!" and makes them run across the beach over and over.
Rebecca puts it succinctly when she exclaims to Jackie, "You whore!" That prompts the boss to make Rebecca demonstrate her exercise first. Rebecca does some up-down thing where she jumps from a standing position to a push-up position and back again. Jackie approves and moves on down the line.
Jackie: What do you have, Jesse?
Jesse: How about a nice glute exercise?
Jesse does a thing on all fours, making circles with one foot up in the air. As stupid as it looks, his exercise looks hard to do. How about a nice piece of pie instead?
Erika’s idea is very complicated. She wants clients to run a good distance, drop down and do modified push-ups, get up, do a side-shuffle, hold a plank position, get up and sprint again. Then, it’s a jump to the left, a step to the right, put their hands on their hips, bring their knees in tight. But it’s a pelvic thrust that really drives you insane â€¦
Erika’s still explaining her 20-minute regime when the others wander off to get water. There’s a little breakdown in command as Jackie calls for her kids to regroup, but no one budges. Jackie’s not happy. She tries to reprimand everyone, but Brian’s got a "kiss my ass" attitude and Rebecca has the attention span of a gnat.
Rebecca: I was bored â€¦
Jackie: Honey, you’re bored the moment you get out of bed until the moment you go to sleep â€¦ Life isn’t about constant stimulation.
Rebecca: I disagree.
When did Jackie start channeling my mother?
And when did Rebecca start channeling me?
Jackie gives everyone a pep talk about how they’re going to need all their strength and determination to help the SkyFlab clients lose weight. Andre nods in agreement because he can’t wait to push someone over the edge. New guy Gregg wisely keeps his yap shut. Jesse stands there with a bloated belly, just aching to be the first SkyFlab client.