Two years nearly to the day after
300 arguably ushered in a new era of CGI and impossibly chiseled male abdomens, the numbers are getting higher (even if the bar is falling lower). I’m talking, of course, about that anachronistic prehistoric spectacle, 10,000 B.C. The movie has the makings of the kind of action movie I’d love: historical settings, ambiguous prophecies, and a pretty girl.
But come on, Roland Emmerich. Mammoth-hunting cavemen leaving their frozen homeland to chase pirate slave-traders through the tropics by way of the pyramids to save the damsel in distress? That’s beyond suspension of disbelief. (Although I may have spun a similar yarn as a kid in my sandbox. Sadly, my plastic dinosaurs looked more realistic. Also, my damsels occasionally had interesting dialogue. And occasionally saved themselves.)
But the movie gives the perfect opportunity to reflect on the history of women in pre-history. EW.com has posted a list of 10 prehistoric hotties to honor the genre. Or, in some cases, to honor actresses who braved bad costuming and worse dialogue for movies that should probably stay buried in the past. More women than men made the list, which is not really surprising, since cinematic prehistory is populated by svelte, bikini-clad women. (Possibly to attract present-day Neanderthals to the box office?)
First up, Daryl Hannah in Clan of the Cave Bear (1986).
I’d rather remember her as a mermaid or an android. No amount of revealing cavewoman dress could possibly distract from the grunting or truly Neanderthal makeup.
Next, as if this list could exist without her: Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C. (1966).
I’ve never seen it, but that bikini, at least, is historic.
Barbara Bach made the list for the spooftastic Caveman (1981).
Co-star and future husband Ringo Starr didn’t make the hottie list, but this little comedy also features a young Shelley Long and Dennis Quaid.
Next up, Rae Dawn Chong in Quest for Fire (1981).
Chong actually won a Best Actress Genie Award for her role, and she deserved it. Somehow, the film’s made-up prehistoric language didn’t come across as unbearably silly as Clan of the Cave Bear. But then, it was created by the gifted Anthony Burgess.
The female cast of When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970) made the list jointly.
EW calls this a cult classic, so I’m surprised I’ve never heard of it. I’m guessing, though, that what we are looking at is dinosaur bait.
And here’s a final odd inclusion: Betty and Wilma, the “resident MILFs” of Bedrock.
I have my own theories about the very special relationship between the Flinstones and Rubbles, but I still found this mildly disturbing. Sort of like Betty and Wilma’s freakish waist-to-head-size ratio.
Did EW.com miss any prehistoric hotties? And have you seen/will you see 10,000 B.C., even though it’s getting brutalized by critics?
