Two years nearly to the day after
300 arguably ushered in a new era of CGI and impossibly chiseled
male abdomens, the numbers are getting higher (even if the bar is falling
lower). I’m talking, of course, about that anachronistic prehistoric
spectacle, 10,000 B.C. The movie has the makings
of the kind of action movie I’d love: historical settings, ambiguous
prophecies, and a pretty girl.
But come on, Roland Emmerich.
Mammoth-hunting cavemen leaving their frozen homeland to chase pirate
slave-traders through the tropics by way of the pyramids to save the
damsel in distress? That’s beyond suspension of disbelief.
(Although I may have spun a similar yarn as a kid in my sandbox.
Sadly, my plastic dinosaurs looked more realistic. Also, my damsels
occasionally had interesting dialogue. And occasionally saved
But the movie gives the perfect opportunity
to reflect on the history of women in pre-history. EW.com has
posted a list of 10 prehistoric
honor the genre. Or, in some cases, to honor actresses who braved
bad costuming and worse dialogue for movies that should probably stay
buried in the past. More women than men made the list, which
is not really surprising, since cinematic prehistory is populated by
svelte, bikini-clad women. (Possibly to attract present-day Neanderthals
to the box office?)
First up, Daryl Hannah
in Clan of the Cave Bear (1986).
I’d rather remember her as
a mermaid or an android. No amount of revealing cavewoman dress
could possibly distract from the grunting or truly Neanderthal makeup.
Next, as if this list could exist
without her: Raquel Welch in
One Million Years B.C. (1966).
I’ve never seen it, but that
bikini, at least, is historic.
Barbara Bach made the list
for the spooftastic Caveman (1981).
Co-star and future husband
Ringo Starr didn’t make the hottie list, but this little comedy also
features a young Shelley Long and Dennis Quaid.
Next up, Rae Dawn Chong
in Quest for Fire (1981).
Chong actually won a Best Actress
Genie Award for her role, and she deserved it. Somehow,
the film’s made-up prehistoric language didn’t come across as unbearably
silly as Clan of the Cave Bear. But then, it was created
by the gifted Anthony Burgess.
The female cast of When
Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970) made the list jointly.
EW calls this a cult classic,
so I’m surprised I’ve never heard of it. I’m guessing, though,
that what we are looking at is dinosaur bait.
And here’s a final odd inclusion:
Betty and Wilma, the “resident MILFs” of Bedrock.
I have my own theories about
the very special relationship between the Flinstones and Rubbles, but
I still found this mildly disturbing. Sort of like Betty and
Wilma’s freakish waist-to-head-size ratio.
Did EW.com miss any prehistoric hotties?
And have you seen/will you see 10,000 B.C., even though it’s getting brutalized by critics?