If the name had not already been taken, the show Heroes should have been renamed Lost, because that’s how I feel after watching any given episode this season: Why are there more alternate futures than there are members of the Wu Tang Clan?
Why do characters on that show rotate in and out more frequently than bleached-blond bunnies rotate in and out of Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion? Why is uber-villain Sylar suddenly a good guy? Why is the fresh-faced cheerleader Claire suddenly evil? Why does Angela Petrelli have such a nice figure, even though everyone in the show seems to have sprung from her womb?
David Lynch must have been hired as a creative director, because nothing on that show makes sense anymore.
This is why I’m going to keep things simple. The one thing we can agree on is that having superpowers makes a woman just a tad bit sexier. (Wonder Woman, anyone?) However, superpowers come at a great cost, especially if you are an ordinary woman trying to date a woman with superpowers.
Here are some of the female characters on Heroes, and the pros and cons of dating each one based on a combination of their superpowers and temperament.
Pros:
— Everyone has fantasized about the cheerleader. Yes, you too.
— If you save her, you save the world.
Cons:
— May get angry at you and purposely drive her car into a brick wall. She will walk away unharmed. You won’t.
— A father so overbearing that he makes Joe Jackson of the Jackson family seem like a lamb.
— Feels no sensation in her body, so you’ll know she’s faking it (she’s of age in real life).
Evil-meter:
— Either Lucy Diamond before she met Amy Bradshaw in D.E.B.S. (evil-ish), or Lucy Diamond after she met Amy Bradshaw in D.E.B.S. (not so evil) — the answer depends on which alternate future you happen to find yourself. Hence, evil-meter inconclusive. (But either way Lucy Diamond is sexy, and who knows — you could be her Amy Bradshaw, and she will turn out nice.)
Dateability index:
— Decent, but watch out for random people who may break into her house during your alone time and attempt to cut her head open. That always puts a damper on things.
Pros:
— None.
Cons:
— Pillow talk may include her telling you that she is actually your mother.
— She will then tell you that she performed experiments on you as a child.
— But then she will stoke your face and tell you she loves you.
— However, she is secretly plotting to kill you.
Evil-meter:
— Somewhere between Dick Cheney and Voldemort.
Dateability index:
— Somewhere between Dick Cheney and Voldemort.
Pros:
— Generally good-hearted and kind.
— Hello? Do you see her picture?
— She has learned how to control her power, and if you are skilled in soothing her with soft words, you will most likely live.
Cons:
— I said “most likely.” On occasion, she gets especially distressed and bleeds black pus from her eyes, which causes anyone within a 100-foot radius of her to bleed black pus from their eyes and drop dead.
— If you do catch her during one of these rare but deadly episodes, the eyes of your corpse will end up looking uncannily similar those of that funny-looking guy in Limp Bizkit — the one who wore those freaky contact lenses. That’s going to be one awkward open-casket funeral.
Evil-meter:
— Lacks a criminal mind but can nevertheless cause an incredible amount of harm.
Dateability index:
— If she were a horse and you were a horse whisperer, it would be a match made in heaven. But she isn’t a horse. She is a gentle woman with a very un-gentle power. Enjoy it while it lasts. When people avert their eyes at your open-casket funeral, you’ll be dead, so you won’t care.
Pros:
— Even though Niki/Jessica Sanders (the sister with the split personality) was killed off, Tracy Strauss has yet another identical triplet who is still alive. So even if Tracy Strauss meets her untimely demise, there is another sister, Barbara, who looks just like her, and you won’t be able to tell the difference if you move on to Barbara next. Nathan Petrelli doesn’t seem to mind, so why should you?
Cons:
— Has only recently discovered her power, which is freezing people to death when she gets upset.
— Looks just like her late sister Niki/Jessica, who was an internet stripper. — Someone may see you walking down the street with Tracy Strauss, point at you and say, “Hey, that chick is dating an internet stripper!”
Evil-meter:
— At this point in the season, she is more Nikki Sanders (nice) than Jessica Sanders (not nice). Are you confused yet?
Dateability index:
— Wear thermal underwear and Gore-Tex at all times and hope for the best.
