What kind of lesbian are you?

 
 

At 19 I wore overalls and came out to the strains of Indigo Girls’ “Mystery.” I fell in love with my women’s studies 101 TA and hung out at the local feminist bookstore, scampering to hide in the Lesbian Erotica aisle when she looked my way. Still, I thought myself singular. Now I live in perhaps the queerest neighborhood in Chicago, practice yoga and wear Birkenstocks in the summer, albeit the fashionable kind. Maybe it’s time to admit I’m not as unique as I think. It’s in this spirit of self-acceptance and branding I bring you:

Your Brand: A Catalog of Queer Girl Types

Type: Hip but Comfortable

hipcomf

Brand: Lucky Brand

Starbucks Drink: Pumpkin Spice Latte

Hobbies: Playing bags, fantasizing about Laura Prepon, waiting in line for brunch

By Day: Manager at Bed, Bath and Beyond

By Night: Candy Crush

 

Type: Over FortyLS011820

Brand: Gap

Starbucks Drink: Tall coffee, cream and sugar

Hobbies: Watching football, reminiscing about that time she saw Ferron at Red Lobster, accusing her girlfriend of being attracted to men

By Day: Basketball Coach

By Night: Asleep

 

Type: Urban Cowgirlaog65169

Brand: Levis

Starbucks Drink: Grande Americano

Hobbies: Target practice, driving too fast, making bitches swoon

By Day: Whatever it is, she’s the boss.

By Night: Dive bar

 

Type: Too Grassroots for Goodwill 93223135

Brand: Indie Thrift Store (i.e. Buffalo Exchange)

Starbucks Drink: You’re kidding, right?

Hobbies: Telling you how little she paid for everything, blaming her ex-girlfriend, Al-Anon

By Day: Running a homeless shelter

By Night: Still working on her dissertation

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