“Carmilla” recap (3.1-3.5): Tiny gays and useless lesbian vampires

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It’s hard to believe that it’s been nearly a year since we last saw Carmilla, Laura, LaFontaine and the rest of the Silas crew. Laura is still broadcasting, but is anyone listening after being stuck in the mystical library for months? Things are still tense between Carmilla and Laura, after that whole Laura betraying Carmilla and getting her sister killed, and everything.

What hasn’t changed? LaFontaine’s hair is still super on fleek.

So we pick up with Laura vlogging (can’t stop, won’t stop) and explaining the wacky few months she, Carm and LaF have spent living in the sentient library. The library remains a mystery, but we do know this: it’s excellent at making cupcakes and loves throwing heavy objects at Carmilla.

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Laura admits that’s she’s pretty brokenhearted still, and living with your ex in a library under duress with no fresh vegetables doesn’t help. Oh, did I mention there’s an ever-changing portal to another dimension in the library? Hellscapes, Nordic winter scenes, angry shrimp…it’s all there. At least LaF has figured out a code so they can find a shower. Well as if feisty crustaceans weren’t enough, there’s also this:

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Perry, well, the Dean is back and in full force. Silas University is now basically only offering forced labor for college credit. (Annie Briggs is so chillingly perfect as the Dean, that you can’t wait until she pops up again to wreak havoc.) When the Dean pops in with her broadcast, it’s the first time that Carm, Laura and LaF learn that Perry has been possessed. While Carmilla lets loose with a string of expletives that would give your grandma the vapors, Laura and LaF are beside themselves at this revelation.

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