In other party hijinks, Regina George and Michelle are sisters and the reason I know is because when Cadie shows up the party, Michelle’s mom teeters over and says, “I just want you to know, if you ever need anything, don’t be shy, OK? There are no rules in the house. I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.” You know who’s not a cool parent? Michelle’s dad (step-dad?) who makes it his mission to get into Cadie’s pants as soon as she walks in the door.
Tony is forlorn. Tea is making out with a girl and he’s just staring and pining and generally not making any sense. Except, actually yes he is. Because Tony gets everything he wants and he’s not getting Tea and so that makes him want her even more. Standard. Tea’s makeout buddy is straight off some kind of commune where they make, like, heirloom, open-pollinated, non-GMO, organic seeds. Tea tells Abbud that the girl doesn’t “interface with men.” Which, to be fair, is what I’d tell Abbud, too, if he ever tried to talk to me. And then the girl gets all flummoxed about male energy or something and bounces after telling Tea, “This party is so heteronormative and your friends are totally gender-coercive!” Bullet: dodged.
Cadie overhears Tony being even more gay than Super Lesbian, though, telling Tea, “You felt something for me and don’t tell me you didn’t because I know you did and you can’t deny it because the feelings that you felt are valid feelings on the feeling spectrum. And you felt them. You did. It is something I know for sure according to the feelings I am having on my own.” You know where you’re falling on my feeling spectrum, Tony? Somewhere between “I want to punch you in the neck” and “Four seconds to getting kneecapped.”
When he storms out of the room with an emotionally-manipulative, “Fine! BE ALONE FOREVER!” Cadie stops him and says, “You can’t just keep doing whatever you want, you know. Things can’t always work out for you.” And I hope she’s right.
Tea’s got a whole lot of guilt about hooking up with Michelle’s boyfriend, and a whole lot of confusing feelings about Tony. So in her misery she confesses to Cadie that Stanley only invited her to the party for her drugs, and tells her everyone should all try to be better. F–king Tony especially.
So to retaliate and work out her daddy issues, Cadie decides to seduce Michelle’s step-dad(?). (Seriously, who is this guy?) Stanley sees Cadie close the curtains to an upstairs bedroom and the presence of a pigeon somehow alerts him that Cadie is going to self-destruct. So he rushes to her aide and says something that cannot be substantiated by any of his previous behavior, but OK. He says he cares when Cadie falls apart. He gives Cadie his t-shirt and she goes home to rethink that whole no-drugs policy.
Her mom finds her wrecked the next morning, and she’s furious. All her mom asked her to do was smile like she was pretty, and this is the thanks she gets? Cadie sits up, pops a purple pill and thinks a little bit more about birds and Robert Frost.
He spent himself, the labour of his axe,
And leave it there far from a useful fireplace
To warm the frozen swamp as best it could
With the slow smokeless burning of decay.