When they finally get to school, their psychology teacher is in the throes of an anguished meltdown. Sounds like she let the P.E. teacher park his Chevy in her gara — no, I’m sorry; I can’t. She’s grieving, is what I’m trying to say say. Loudly and awesomely and unprofessionally. On the blackboard she’s written the stages of grief, and also “WHY?!?” Tina needs to get on Twitter. Or Facebook. Breakup boundaries are a dish best splattered all over social media.
Tea knows. She’s a lesbian. Been there, done that, already started an Eastern Seaboard American City hookup chart, a la Alice Pieszecki. (LIKE!).
The kids toss out some suggestions to console her: Tony thinks she shouldn’t date anymore phys ed teachers; Chris says he could pretend the coach touched him in the shower. Tina’s about to hop on board with that plan, but the bell rings and Chris is forced to redirect his chivalry.
Over at Nutbush, Tony is still trying to convince his friends to watch Stanley lose his virginity. Rather than pointing out the creepiness of his fixation, they explain for the one bazillionth time that they’re going to Big Gay Night out. Tea says, “If you can get that kid’s cherry popped, I’ll accidentally lose control of my breasts during next week’s halftime show.” (And all AfterEllen readers under the age of 20 just bought tickets to next week’s halftime show.)
Stanley thinks Tony is going to give Michelle to him like some sort of chattel situation, but they tell him Cadie’s agreed to do the job. All he has to do is: keep her away from knives, score an ounce of weed, and not let her get hungry. You know, ’cause nothing satiates you like a spliff. Michelle and Tony paw at each other, and wave Stanley off to go find Cadie …
… who has her hands on some knives. There’s something fascinating about the way the camera already loves Britne Oldford. None of these kids had ever really acted before the pilot — they’re actual teenage-aged teenagers — so you never know what their relationship is going to be like with the screen. Not really. But Britne is lovely. (Cassie comparisons pocketed.) Cadie tells Stanley she only likes really nice narcotics, and if you start drinking every time Stanley makes the kind of decision that only a horny, teenage boy would make, you’re gonna be feeling real good in a few minutes. To wit:
Cadie’s first order of business with the knives was to carve some anatomically correct, penis-shaped veggies. Stanley’s cool with that. [DRINK!] She may or may not be killing a rabbit off-screen in a second. Stanley is cool with thatl, too. [DRINK!] He follows Tony’s instructions to Mad Mao Le Dong’s house [DRINK!] where he purchases weed [DRINK!] on credit [DRINK!] from a guy who grabs his balls [DRINK] in such a way that it sounds like someone cracking their knuckles while they split open some pecans. [DRINK!]