Daisy’s up next. She’s barely got time for Tony’s s–t, especially when he asks her to just hop on over to Stanley’s, which is six blocks away. She’s also pretty convinced a hobo wouldn’t sleep with Stanley, so there’s that.
Then you’ve got Michelle. “Nips,” Tony calls her, like it’s the funniest joke in the world. And it’s kind of weirding me out because Cheese Nips are one of my all-time favorite snacks. Do y’all have those or is it a regional delicacy in the south? Also another brand is the Cheez-It. Anyway, Michelle doesn’t want to be called Nips — and I also don’t want her to be called Nips — but she is willing to help out Stanley.
Which is good, ’cause Chris is not willing to help out Stanley. He’s too busy boning some random girl in a tent in his bedroom.
Abbud isn’t willing to help out either — and by “help out” I mean “attend a party where his friend has sex for the first time” — because he promised he’d go to Tea’s Big Gay Lezorama Night: “It’s girl on girl. It’s like live porn, man. And then Chris says we can probably convert them. And then it will be like girl on girl on dudes!” Um, Abbud, you’re on the wrong channel. If you want that storyline, you’re gonna have to hop on over to The CW.
And Tea. She also doesn’t have any time for Stanley’s deflowering: First, because of cheerleading practice; second, because she’s planning to take Chris and Abbud on “a voyage of wonder and discovery.” I really wish she was talking about the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I’m going to marry the girl who takes me on a voyage of wonder and discovery in Hogsmede. But she’s not. Tony asks her if she’s ever told her squad that she “worships at the coochie shrine,” and she demurs because of her well-rehearsed big finish.
Two things. Thing one: The sex euphemisms are are boggling my brain. “Worship at the coochie shrine.” “Flying solo down the labia love tunnel.” “Candy mountain’s calling.” “Present Mr. Happy with the keys to the Furry City.” I feel like I need some kind of urban hipster Babel fish in my ear for decoding purposes. Thing two: What time does school start in Eastern Seaboard American City? Tony’s alarm said 8:00 when he woke up, and he had time to punk his family and chat up: Michelle while she took a bubble bath; Daisy while she practiced her trumpet; Chris while he glamped; Abbud while he actually worshiped; and Tea while she got her Cheer Nips on.