Dawn breaks and my task begins. Earlier this morning, I realized there was no alcohol to accompany my recapping and thought, “Well that won’t do,” so I nipped to my local liquor store. Buying booze at 9 a.m. on a weekday is not an entirely comfortable experience, so slapped on red lipstick and enormous black sunglasses and bought champagne. “He’ll think I’m hosting a leisurely brunch,” I thought gleefully, smiling coolly at the middle-aged Korean cashier.
After skipping last week, Two Men and A Lesbian is back, and I can’t wait to watch the show I’ve been happy to recap Two A Half Men since Trish
stumbled upon me drowning that baby asked.
“Justice In Hot Pants” opens with Alan unenthusiastically watching porn in bed. Alan gets bored and goes to the kitchen, where he finds Walden also unable to sleep. Walden can’t sleep because Jenny and her “friend” are making too loud sex noises.
“Have you ever made a girl scream like that?” Walden wonders aloud. Oh, Walden. Calling Jenny and that girl she’s fucking “friends” won’t make you any less sexually threatened. It’s weird how men feel simultaneously superior to lesbians because they have dicks and inferior because they think lesbians do voodoo sex magic. Maybe think less about your dicks, bros. Drink.
Walden and Alan talk about how the only way they could make a woman scream like that is by beating them. Lovely. Jenny walks out in a soft lavender robe, auburn curls mussed with passion. (Or lust if you’d like me to rhyme.) She grabs an egg beater, briefly tests out it’s upward swirl, and says, “That’ll work.”
Jenny goes back to the bedroom. This is what men think lesbians do to make women scream? Egg beaters? Do you fuckers know nothing about vaginas? Can men not possibly comprehend that women can be pleased not by utensils but by EFFORT and PRACTICE? Egg Beaters = lesbian voodoo magic. First lesson of the day. Walden makes a Black and Decker joke.
The next evening, Walden struts before Jenny and Berta wearing a chic black tux. Joke about blowing. Alan walks out in a tux looking significantly less attractive than Alan. Walden’s mother, Robin, shows up to accompany Walden to the school dance aka “Monkey Benefit.”
Jenny: I can see where Alan gets his pretty face.
Robin: Thanks! He’s single you know.
Jenny: I know! [Jenny pauses for a long leer, letting her eyes drink in Robin’s taunt mid-life frame] Are you?
At the Monkey Benefit, Walden and Alan sip on disappointingly weak martinis while takin’ in the sophisticated scene. Robin introduces Lynda Carter, a famous television star, to Walden and Alan.
Lynda Carter is famous for playing Wonder Woman. Lynda mistakes Alan for gay because he lives with Walden.
Lynda: My gay fans have always been my biggest fans.
Alan: I’m not gay.
Lynda: Oh, I’m sorry… Transgender?
You know Alan and Walden would have just used “tranny.” Alan hits on Linda until Robin steers her away. Alan is in love with Lynda.
The next morning at breakfast, Alan and Walden banter gay jokes and Alan tells Walden that he’s a Lynda Carter superfan. Joke about bushes. Alan wants Walden to set him up with Lynda Carter, his life-long love. Later that day, Walden sits in the living room wearing those douchey toe running shoes like a douche. Alan reminds Walden that he promised to help set Alan up with Lynda Carter, but Walden is having second thoughts. He tries to politely tell Alan that he’s not good enough for Lynda Carter. Alan is hurt to discover the man he’s been grifting off doesn’t think highly of him.
A day passes sans visuals, and another morning dawns. Jenny enters in a questionably patterned red shirt. I’ve never seen a lesbian wear that pattern before. Do some research, CBS. Walden is wearing a stone-washed lavender henley.
Walden: You’re up early
Jenny: Crack of Dawn! Dawn’s still asleep though.
Walden: Banana hammock.
Dawn is a woman’s name. What wit. It’s like A Midsummer Night’s Dream up in here. Walden why he won’t set Alan up with Lynda Carter to Jenny. “If he’s good enough to be your friend, why isn’t Alan good enough for her? Shouldn’t Lynda Carter decide who’s good enough for her?”
Walden is like, “Hey, valid point, Jenny,” and Jenny looks up a picture of Lynda Carter and agrees: “Yeah, Alan isn’t good enough for her.” But is the seed already planted? I suspect yes. Walden, clearly feeling guilty, goes to Alan’s room to apologize. Walden makes it up to Alan by inviting Lynda Carter and his mother over for dinner the next night.
Fast forward a day. Robin and Lynda Carter arrive for the dinner party, and Lynda Carter seems more interested in Walden than Alan. Alan awkwardly tries to flirt with an underwhelmed Lynda Carter. He does not play it cool. He plays it like a crazy fan-boy/stalker. Vintage Comic-Con references, autographs, pictures, music—the works. Walden rescues Lynda Carter by taking her out on the balcony.
Jenny joins them with obvious enthusiasm and compliments Lynda Carter.
Lynda Carter: Aw, aren’t you sweet.
Jenny: Oh I can be way sweeter. Or less, if that’s what you’re into. Do you still like wearing cuffs?
Walden shoos Jenny away, and Lynda Carter crows, “See, I told you the gays really like me!” God I love hearing straight people call us “the gays.” Like how black people adore being called “the blacks” or Jewish people delight in being referred to as “the Jews.”
Walden asks if Alan has a shot, and Lynda is like “Hell no” and macks on Walden. Just at that moment, Alan walks in and lassos Walden. “BETRAYAL,” he shouts. Walden and Alan pull back and forth of the lasso until accidentally toppling off the balcony.
Next morning: Walden and Alan chat on the balcony and decide to just let it go. Walden’s beaming and disheveled mother sneaks out of Jenny’s room, landing a lusty kiss on Jenny before she makes her exit.
Lynda Carter follows, passionately snogging Jenny as she goes.
Lynda Carter pops back inside to hand off the eggbeater to Jenny.
Do you have lesbian voodoo magic? Let me know @howtrite/#ohjenny