The episode opens with Walden chatting up a blonde in a skin tight red dress on the balcony. She compliments Walden for being the hottest guy at a tech conference, which—as Walden points out—is not a staggering feat. After further chat, Walden realizes his new friend is a model for Google—as in pointing at new models of computers rather than designing or anything involving brain power. Walden, turned off by Blondie’s aspiration of “being the next Vanna White” and general vapidity, tells a perplexed Alan that he’d rather be alone than bang a dumb-dumb. Walden, like Ashton Kutcher, is a paradigm of virtue. At least compared to the other characters on Two And A Half Men.
Inside the haunted Malibu bachelor pad, Jenny joins Alan—who is wearing a mustard button-up that would make even Scarlett Johansson look sallow—in the living room. He’s looking through Jake’s (the departed 1/2 man) old belongings. Jenny doesn’t even know who Jake—her cousin—is. Not surprising. Teenage boys hold very little interest for adult lesbians. Unless we mistake them from a cute dyke from behind. That is a problem I’ve run into. Alan reminds Jenny that Jake isn’t dead, he’s in the army. So not dead yet.
Jenny: Nice bong! Guess Jake wasn’t part of the war on drugs.
Alan: Actually it’s not a bong, it’s a bird feeder. Jake made it in art class.
Jenny: I made a whistle in art class! [mimes blowing a conductor's whistle] WEED WEED
Jenny and I should party. I would fuck with Jenny in the friendship sense a la The Bad Girls Club and the biblical sense. But she’d make a far better friend than lover. That egg beater Jenny whipped out a few episodes back did not look palatable to my goodies. Alan realizes that Jake used “bird-watching” as a euphemism for “getting high in the woods with friends.” Taking pity on the tragedy that is Alan’s social life, Jenny convinces her uncle to come out for a drink. I love how both Jenny and I say “a drink” when we never have just one. Who has just one drink? WHY? It’s so much more rewarding to get plural.
Alan tells Jenny that Walden took the dumb model to the hospital because she fell off the deck. Because she’s a dumb model. Models = dumb. Just making sure you get it.
At the hospital, Walden helps Nadine (dumb model) fill out her paperwork. Nadine’s last name is “hore” which sounds like “whore.” Just making sure you get that. Nadine is a literal whore and she also has a pet pig named Frank.
Walden: Any medications?
Nadine: Love them.
I could fuck with Nadine.
Back to Jenny and Alan: she takes him to a gay bar. Yay! So glad to hear Jenny give a gay bar breakdown to CBS audiences.
Jenny: Half the women here are gay. Those are men. They rest are straight. Some of those are mine too, but whatever is left is going to be drunk and horny by the end of the night, and looking for someone who doesn’t think vaginas are yucky.
That is a sad yet accurate description of women in gay bars. Straight girls who JUST WANNA DANCE and gay people trying to ignore the annoying straight girls WHO JUST WANNA DANCE. When gay people go to a gay bar, it’s to dance with other gays. Not with straight girls searching for reaffirmation. Alan is a perfect example of the straight dude hunters who frequent gay bars looking for such vulnerable prey.
Walden brings Nadine, who is hopped up on painkillers, back to Barbie’s Malibu dream house. Nadine slurs unwanted flirtation at Walden, who is so not into her. Back to the gay bar!
Woman at bar: So you’re here with your niece?
Alan: Yeah, she just came out of the closet and she’s painfully shy.
Cut to Jenny swigging shots from a blonde girl’s cleavage. Poor thing needs help.
Jenny: And that’s what I call breastfeeding.
Walden assures bar dwelling female of his heterosexuality. Female is called Paula, and she is an investment banker. They exchange sexual innuendo based on financial terminology, and Alan invites Paula to “his” Malibu beach house, where they sleep together. After sex, Paula breaks some shocking news: She used to be Paul.
Paula is transgender. Trans issues and gay bars? Two and a Half Men is on a LGBTQ roll. Alan pumps Paula about her transformation from Paul to Paula. She explains the trans surgery process, and Alan doesn’t bother to conceal his bafflement. Surprisingly, Alan doesn’t take Paula up on her offer to leave. He assures Paula that as long as Paula’s junk doesn’t grow back, it’s all good. Very enlightened. I’m actually a little impressed. That could have been so much more offensive. Yay gay CBS!
The next morning, Jenny stumbles over Nadine’s pig frank in the kitchen. Walden sips coffee and sulks about Nadine’s stupidity.
Jenny: Is her mouth working?
Jenny: So what’s the problem?
Walden: The problem is that we don’t have any real connection.
Jenny: Sounds kinda gay but alright.
Funnily, I hear “gay” used in that sense mostly from lesbians. We can say it, but straight people can’t. I hope everyone at CBS knows that. It would be ghastly is a bunch of straight dudes came into work today saying intimacy is “gay” and that “it’s OK because Jenny the lesbian from Two And A Half Men said it.” If you encounter some dude like that, please set him straight. I’ve had to do the same with several of my straight dude friends and while it’s an awkward task, it has to be done. Berta brings in groceries and offers to pay off Walden’s unconscious and unwanted dumb model. Alan strides in and boldly informs the gang that he has sex with a woman who used to be a man (transgender) last night.
Jenny: I gotta say, Alan. You going out with a post op-transgender person is very enlightened.
Alan: Thank you! And you should see her boobs. [motorboat sounds]
Snaps for Alan.
Nadine wanders in sporting a nose cast and asking where she can take a bath. Nadine, in addition to being an idiot, is highly accident prone.
Later on, Paula and Alan easily agree to a movie. He likes that Paul pays. And opens the door. And gives Alan her jacket. Aw. This is so cute. I don’t ship, but if I did ship I would ship Paula and Alan. Or Paulan. In the theater, Paula puts her arm around Alan and Alan happily snuggles in. Too cute. I know Two And A Half Men is going to ruin this, but seriously it’s amazing and they shouldn’t. Alan gets annoyed by a fellow audience member babbling on his cell phone. Alan confronts obnoxious cell phone talker to prove his manhood. After Alan is easily cowed, Paula busts in and punches the douchey talker. Paula looks at Alan hesitantly, worried that Alan might be offended by her “masculine” display of aggression.
Alan: Don’t apologize. I love you.
Alan sweeps Paula into a romantic kiss, and the theater erupts in applause. PRECIOUS. omg. squeee.
Back home! Nadie, swaddled in medical gauze, busts into Walden’s room for some booty. Walden tells Nadine that he is not down. Nadine can’t believe it! She accuses Walden of leading her on and lumbers out. Walden, being the super good guy that he is, tries to help crazy stupid Nadine from falling down the stairs because Nadine falls down everything. Nadine, now wearing a back brace, is pissed because she thought Walden would marry her. Nadine is crazy needy dumb model. Bitches, man. Bitches.
After Nadine leaves, Jenny walks in the living room. Walden explains that Nadine is threatening to sue him. There’s a loud crash outside. Walden’s phone rings, and he learns that Nadine was just hit by a bus. Yet again, Walden goes to rescue the dumb girl he doesn’t like. Looks like Frank the pig will staying in Malibu for just a little while longer. Walden, Alan, and Frank the pig watch babe. Precious. This is my favorite episode yet.