Last Friday I couldn’t shake my debilitating horror of watching Two And A Half Men for long enough to watch Two And A Half Men. My super fun night out with Karman at The Outfest Legacy Awards further dampened enthusiasm. Now I’m snuggled into a dove-grey fuzzy throw emblazoned with Masters Of Sex (thanks Outfest!) and ready to confront the hobgoblins of Malibu.
Jenny joins Walden and Berta in the kitchen.
Jenny: Ooh, Capt’n Crunch. That’s the only man I put in my mouth.
And here we go.
Alan scurries in, flustered, and explains his newfound predicament. Alan accidentally made BFFs with his lover’s boyfriend while using code name: Jeff Strongman. Now Larry wants to see Jeff, and Alan is worried that Larry might have found out about Lindsay’s side game.
Jenny: This is why I love being gay. If some guy finds out I’m banging his girlfriend, it’s not an angry phone call. I get a dozen roses and a copy of the video.
Readers, you’ve all probably hooked up with a girl with a boyfriend. I have. Whoops. Have the boyfriends actually been happy?
Alan meets up with Larry at a coffee shop. Larry tells Alan that he knows Lindsay is cheating on him. Larry whips out a photo of the suspected Lindsay dipper: Walden. Alan, in the spirit of humorous hijinks, allows Larry to believe it’s Walden nailing his wife.
Back at home, Alan sneaks around Walden’s home in a ’70s porno disguise. Walden is like, “Why?” and Alan is like, “Because Larry thinks Lindsay is sleeping with you” and they bicker. Mario joke about disguise mustache.
Alan goes over to Lindsay’s house to explain Larry’s misconception. Lindsay decides to deny everything. Larry texts Alan, and Alan goes to stall Larry while Lindsay prepares whatever she’s plotting. Lindsay is apparently a seasoned cheater.
Rose, a sketchy woman from Walden’s past, stops Alan on the street.
Rose: You’re being followed
Walden: By you.
At first Walden doesn’t want to get into Rose’s car, but after she points out a red ‘target’ dot on Walden’s shirt, he caves and hops in.
At a dingy straight dude bar, Alan listens to Larry rant about Lindsay’s cheating ways. Alan is horrified to discover that Lindsay cheated on him with Larry. Apparently Lindsay told Larry that Alan was a “loser,” “freeloader,” and “pansy.” Alan can’t distract Larry for long, and Alan calls Lindsay to warn her that an incensed Larry is coming their way.
In Rose’s car we learn Rose is a psycho who has been stalking Walden. She insists that Walden toss away his phone and get off the grid AKA a sketchy motel. Rose apparently pretended to be pregnant and an assortment of other terrible stalker things to Walden. She convinces Walden to trust her because cray recognize cray. Walden is escorted by a creepy in-keeper to the grimy “Presidential” suite. Gay jokes. Oh those creepy gays. Always preying on wealthy, white, heterosexual, straight men. Walden waits until Rose knocks on the door with food. Walden is touched by Rose’s kindness. They hook up.
Alan and Larry arrive at Walden’s house. Larry bangs on the door, and is greeted by Lindsay. Larry accuses Lindsay of cheating on him with Walden, but Lindsay has another story.
Lindsay: I’m not here to sleep with Walden. I’m here to sleep with someone else. Remember how you told me it was your fantasy to see me with another woman? Well I’m here to make your fantasy come true. That’s why I rented this beautiful beach house from Walden.
Jenny blunders in, scarlet kimono slightly agape, clutching a tumblr of amber liquid.
Jenny: OK, which one wants to watch?
Jenny gives Alan a disdainful glance.
Jenny: If it’s him, I’m going to have to charge double.
CBS, can you please stop jizzing on my screen? Depicting lesbians as freaky-deaks down for a dolla to make you and your bored wife holla will not keep your last place channel from sinking further into irrelevance.
Larry: Is this for real?
Lindsay: Happy Birthday baby!
Jenny: I’ll send you a copy of the video.
Jenny leads Lindsay to the bedroom.
Alan is pissed. Larry is ecstatic.
Larry: Isn’t this great? Lindsay isn’t a cheating whore. She’s just a whore.
Threesome= 1 fucked up lesbian + 1 straight whore + 1 AWESOME DUDE.
Alan fumes and Larry calls his PI to say the stalk is off. Rose answers. Rose was Larry’s PI! She set Walden up! Bitches, man. Bitches. Crazy. Rose tells Walden that Larry is still on the loose, and forbids him from contacting anyone. Rose leaves for supplies leaving Walden alone in the creepy hotel. Walden pees the bed then hears footsteps and hides. It’s creepy gay innkeeper. Oh gays, being all creepy and slutty. They can’t help it!