CBS titled this episode of Two and a Half Men “Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank,” so my expectations are stupendously low, but my cup is large and filled with Friday morning recap beer. Blue Moon keeps the screams at bay while I’m writing about Ashton Kutcher. And go.
Walden and Alan compare Friday night plans. Walden is staying in to work, Alan brags about going to get laid. Alan leaves to get laid. Jenny enters with three scantily dressed women trailing behind her like toned ducklings. Jenny tells her hot friends that Walden is rich and single because Jenny’s a sharer. While her entourage is dressed in “high school skank” style last popular when the CBS writers room was in high school, Jenny wears a casual plaid button-up. Like a lesbian.
Jenny and company are super stoned and wasted. Partyyyy. Nerd Walden makes excuses to leave until Jenny suggests “strip poker.” That’s my move! Strip poker involves some of the things I love most: drinking games, gambling and female nudity. Walden is like “Hella yeah” and strips. Ugh. If Jenny and Walden bang I will commit Harakiri.
Next morning in the kitchen: Alan did not get laid. Lindsey stood him up because she couldn’t get away from her husband, Larry. Walden admonishes Alan for sleeping with a married woman.
Walden: Why are you doing this?
Alan: Because I get to have sex.
Walden: You didn’t end up having sex, you ended up shame-eating stale donuts in a men’s room.
Walden goes on to brag about playing strip poker with Jenny and company. Alan tells Walden not to go there with Jenny, who is family. Walden insists it’s not like that. Jenny walks in and they josh around like the krazy kids they are. Walden makes a joke about Jenny’s “nice pair floppin’ out” and I’m proud to say I know what that means. In addition to tits, it is a reference to a poker term. Ha. Jenny’s pair is very prominent this morning.
Jenny invites Walden to hang out again that night, but Alan is perturbed. He warns Walden of potential sex danger. Joke about having sex with a melon. Ick.
Hours later, Alan enters the living room to find Walden fast asleep. It’s only nine and Jenny won’t bring the party ‘til 11. Walden falls asleep early because he is old. Laughs abound. Alan heads off to a romantic rendezvous with Lindsey at a four-star hotel. Sadly, Lindsey is late to dinner and Alan is pissed. There’s nothing more depressing than drinking wine alone in public while waiting for your companion to arrive. That’s why I do it at home. Sad straight people dating rituals. Lindsey instructs Alan to go out with an annoying acquaintance to avoid suspicion.
Walden, Jenny and company arrive home wasted after a night of glowstick-ridden debauchery. They’re on Molly, maybe ex.
When Alan storms out of bed in a huff to shut down the loud after party, they’re too high to care. Walden, Jenny and company romp outside to skinny dip in the ocean. This is beyond unlikely because the Pacific Ocean is fucking freezing. No Californian will admit it, but the Pacific Ocean is not fun to swim in. Like a Californian, the Pacific Ocean exists to be admired.
A night passes. A sun rises. An eye opens. Walden’s eyes open to find Jenny naked in HIS BED. Ugh WTF. Weak. Both of them are naked. Jenny wakes up and says “whoa” four times.
Jenny: We’re naked! How did we get here? The last thing I remember is asking some girl “Can we mix these with alcohol?’” Apparently the answer is “No.”
They chat about memories, misty memories, and Jenny assures, “Don’t worry, nothing could have happened, I’m gay.”
And Walden starts laughing semi-hysterically, making me want to BITCH slap him.
Walden: Wait, so how gay? On a scale of 1-10, 1 being “Yay, it’s college” and 10 being “I’m going Subaru shopping with Ellen and Rosie.”
DUDE. You have no idea how many people ask me this question. Regularly. After two drinks. All of them. Every fucking straight person in the world asks me to rate how gay I am. I would ask them to rate how straight they are, but there’s nothing less interesting than hearing a straight person talk about their sexuality. It’s tragic and dull and vaguely condescending all at the same time. I’m angry right now, just thinking about a straight girl detailing the complex color scheme on her heterosexuality.
Jenny: I’d say a nine. I mean I make my own soap but I don’t sell it at Lilith Fair.
Walden: Great. So we didn’t have sex!
Jenny: But sometimes I date an innie who has an outie in her purse… so it’s possible.
WHAT THE FUCK, CBS? DO I HAVE TO CUT YOU? PENISES ARE NOT BELLYBUTTONS! MY SEXUALITY IS NOT AN INNIE, YOU MONSTROUS TWIT COLONY. Walden, looking almost as horrified as I feel.
Walden, looking almost as horrified as I feel , says, “Whatttt?”
Walden freaks out because Alan, his grifter, is going to be pissed. Jenny, looking calm and collected, instructs Walden to simply say nothing.
Jenny: I have a saying for times like this: What happens in Jenny, stays in Jenny.
Damn you Jenny.
Evening falls, and Walden confronts Jenny about their perhapes rendez-vous. He has a way to find out if they screwed: a camera. A bedroom camera, left by Jenny’s dead father Charlie Sheen. Icks. They watch.
Walden is nervous, Jenny is amused. Walden is having sex with a girl… BUT she’s not Jenny. Walden had sex with Heidi. But how did Jenny get into Walden’s bed naked? The tape reveals. Jenny “turned Sarah,” and they drunkenly fell into Walden’s bed without noticing that Walden was banging Heidi beneath the covers. Ugh. Malibu. Then a bunch of couples saunter into the tape, and Walden and Jenny watch themselves participate in an orgy. They feel pretty cool until stout housekeeper Berta bursts in.
Berta: So listen… Are we going to talk about the orgy we had last night?