“Two and a Half Men” recap (11.2): Beautiful Bromance

CBS titled this episode ‘‘I Think I Banged Lucille Ball.” CBS is not good at naming.

Geek/mooch Alan enters the sun-drenched living room of their Malibu dream house. Bangs is doing yoga in his shortie shorts and an errant ball slips out, causing a brief moment of awkward, phallic comedy. He prays for serenity, but introspection is interrupted by a flurry of activity in the kitchen. Jenny is making a hangover cure but then she’s like “Fuck it, I’d rather stay drunk.” (FYI if you’re ever in a position where you don’t give a fuck and can’t be bothered with a hangover, a great way to work through that is to drink a couple morning beers. Something light, like Bud Light, should keep you reasonably comfortable. I learned that in New Orleans.)

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Anyway, BURP goes Jenny and she’s like, “I think I ate too much Ginger last night.”

Alan: Oh, you had sushi for dinner?

Jenny: Sure, let’s call it that.

My mind: BLOWN BY THAT JOKE.

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Except not really. Vaginas do not taste like fish, impotent men just like to say that because they can’t give head and need bro excuses for being tragic. Every time a guy makes the “vag/fish” gag I think, “You are terrible in bed and in humor.” Jenny peaces out with a bottle, and Alan is like, “Dude, we got rid of Jake and now we have someone just like Jake. Is that not ironic?” Walden tries to convince Alan to help get rid of Jenny using a fart analogy. Alan agrees after Walden lays down the law: Either Jenny leaves or Alan leaves.

Later in the evening, Alan has cocktails with Mommy Dearest in the kitchen. She agrees to let Jenny stay with her. The next day, Jenny struts out of Walden’s house to live with her long lost grandmother. She leaves behind an orthodox parting gift.

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Jenny: There’s a girl in my bed. Tara? Tanya? I don’t really know what the hell her name is, it’s tattooed right above her ass. Anyways, when she wakes up will you give her this cash for cab fare? Tell her that I, MCKENZIE, will call her. IF I get back from the Congo.”

I kind of love Jenny. She’s clever and not-preachy and fun. I like seeing a lesbian on network TV being depicted as a badass and not a potential victim. Sometimes her jokes are beyond bro-ey, but come on: I know a lot of real life lesbros who sometimes sound pretty damn similar. Some lesbians are crude, some lesbians sleep with a lot of girls, some lesbians day drink (me, sometimes), because all lesbians are humans and humans pull that shit across the board. I’m most susceptible to cold brunettes with substance abuse issues, so that might also contribute to Jenny’s appeal.

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Later that day, Lindsey stops by to talk to Alan. When the duo go into his bedroom for a private conversation, Lindsey slaps Alan. She’s mad because even though she has a successful new boyfriend named Larry, Alan haunts her dreams. Lindsey doesn’t want to get back with Alan because Alan is a loser, but she does want to have sex with him because ???? They hook up.

After Lindsay leaves, Alan brags to Walden about his newfound fuck buddy.  A hot girl in black lingerie wanders out looking for “McKenzie.” Apparently Jenny only sleeps with women in black lingerie. That lucky bitch. After briefly speaking with Walden and Alan, Black Lingerie 2 wanders off into the Malibu sunset to be amongst the other hotties in their natural habitat.

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At Mee-Maw’s place, Jenny and her grandmother enjoy a familial nightcap. Her old ass boyfriend Marty blathers on about whatever old men talk about. Marty used to work in showbiz and Jenny realizes her grandma’s BF created one of her favorite shows. In college she played a drinking game to the program, and so had “so much drunken sex because of your show.” Sweet sentiment. They drink and joke UNTIL Marty ruins it all by being a gross old man and proposing a Viagra fueled threesome. Between his girlfriend and her granddaughter. Icky icky. Why incest, CBS? Obviously grandmother says “no,” but it’s nice that CBS managed to fit a lesbian threesome gag in only the second episode. Fire your writers.

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Later that night, Alan and Lindsey’s sex session is interrupted by Larry arriving home. Alan jumps out the window to escape capture.

When sun comes up, so does Walden’s conscience and he chides Alan about sleeping with another man’s girlfriend. Alan does not care. Marty the letch isn’t happy to find out that Jenny and her grandmother have decided to take a spa day. He wants his girlfriend all to himself for late-in-life lovemaking and early bird specials. Larry is needy and creepy; what a catch. Back over in Malibu, Alan is also getting needy. He wants Lindsey to spend the night and really listen, you know? He pouts until Lindsay unenthusiastically come for dinner to meet Jenny. Unsurprisingly, Lindsey stands Alan up.

Also unsurprisingly, Alan then goes after Lindsey, leaving Jenny, Walden, Mommy Dearest, and Marty behind. The gang drinks and Marty is like “he’s gone, let’s get high” and pulls out a joint. They dig into dinner while getting increasingly sloshed and stoned. Marty makes the Lucille Ball joke. When Mommy Dearest suggests another outing with Jenny, Marty petulantly demands she stay home and play sex games with HIM. Not her stupid granddaughter.

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Marty has had enough. He takes his woman aside and tells her that Jenny is coming in between them “and not in the good way.” JESUS, CBS, NO. He gives Mee Maw ann ultimatum: Jenny, or Him. Do ultimatums happen anywhere other than television? They never seem work. When she picks Jenny, he backs off and makes a joke about blow jobs. STFU Marty. Wasted Walden and Jenny talk about how neither Marty or Walden want her around. Walden and Jenny have a slurring, platonic family love fest. It’s sweet.

Walden: I like you Jenny.

Jenny: I like you too. If you were a chick I would totally do you.

Walden: Awwww, you too!

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I’ve SO had that conversation with my guy friends. Walden invites Jenny to crash whenever she needs a break from Marty and Grandmama. This might be the beginning of a beautiful bromance.

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