“Two and a Half Men” recap (11.17): Big Lesbian Boobs

 
 

Afternoon, gay antlers, and welcome to another installment of TAHM. I haven’t written much for AE this week because of other commitments, and I’m currently overcome with a shame spiral that my sole contribution this week is a recap of TAHM. Do you hate me? I hate me.

I was going to go to the gym later because Trish won’t love me if I’m not perfect at Dinah. But maybe one teensy weensy pre-gym beer wouldn’t hurt to help with the TAHM writing process? Just one. I’ll secret pour my beer in a coffee cup so my roommate won’t judge me for drinking alone in the afternoon in my pjs. Let the recap commence!

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Last week, Walden’s geeky protege moved into Malibu mansion. The episode opens with him making breakfast and Alan walking in, confused. Barry explains that he’s crashing for a few days. Alan and Barry butt heads over who is Walden’s best friend. Barry impresses Alan with his knowledge of Walden and Alan. Jenny and her heaving bosomed girlfriend enter. Barry is immediately struck by Brooke’s considerable assets. Everyone mistakes Barry for Jake. Barry worms his way into everyone’s heart with personalized snacks. Walden is bemused.

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Evening arrives. Alan is going on a date with Gretchen in a hideous newsies hat. Walden tries to talk Alan out of seducing Larry’s girlfriend as Jeff strongman. He fails. Barry uses Alan’s shower. Alan isn’t thrilled. Walden beats Alan with the newsies hat. After Alan and Gretchen’s date, they sing and Alan tries to end it. Gretchen suggests they just keep it a secret instead. They go inside, probably to have sex. Back in Malibu: Jenny, Brooke, Barry, and Berta get super high and watch TV.

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Barry: Are you guys really lesbians? Or are you like those lesbians from Craigslist who came over, tied me up, and stole my laptop?
Brooke: If we weren’t, would we do this?

Brooke and Jenny make out. Barry stares creepily. Walden brings in pizza and looked miffed. Walden takes Barry aside for a stern talking to and chastises Barry for being a lazy stoner like the rest of his mooching houseguests. Barry tosses out some terrible ideas, including lesbian porn.

Back to Alan and Gretchen: They have gross dominatrix sex.

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Shuddering over here. Shuddering. Larry and Lindsay walk in on the horny duo. Lindsay is pissed, but Larry is thrilled that his best friend and sister are together. Larry is awesome. Lindsay is not. She insists Alan stop with the Jeff Strongman lies.

Back to Malibu: Barry sings and makes sandwiches. Walden glares at him. Walden asks Barry to move out. Barry is like, “Let’s do that tomorrow. I’m going to get high and eat my sandwich.” THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS TO ME WHEN I DON’T WANT TO WRITE. Finally, Barry and Walden go apartment hunting. Barry finds a reason to turn down every apartment because he’s never lived alone before and is afraid. Walden cracks and screams “YOU CAN’T LIVE WITH ME.” Walden is ecstatic and can’t wait to kick everyone else out. Lindsay propositions Alan by the bathroom. After initially hesitating, Alan is like “OK” and hooks up with his evil ex.

Alan, Gretchen, Lindsay, and Larry have an awkward double date. Lindsay is pissed. Everyone else is thrilled. Alan taunts Lindsay with sex stories. That does look like a fun thing to do to your ex girlfriend. I hope I get to taunt my exes someday. Someday soon. Aw. That made me smile :)

To Malibu: Walden walks in on the entire coven partying at his bro pad. He looks sad/angry. Barry, Jenny, and Brooke play beer pong. Brooke uses her enormous lesbian breasts to distract Barry. Massive breasts are, perhaps unsurprisingly, very prevalent in the lesbian storyline of Two And A Half Men.

 
 

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