Previously on Two And A Half Men: Alan started dating a transgender woman and was astoundingly cool about it, and everyone was like, “Cool, Alan,” and our minds were BLOWN by Two And A Half Men being cool. This week I’m filled with far less dread than the weeks before, but will my good will towards Two And A Half Men be short lived? Let’s find out!!
Episode 10 opens with Alan and Walden decorating their gorgeous Malibu beach house. Berta brings a box from Jake “in Japan” (a Christian cult) and they’re all like, “Aww, our characters are sad but still making boob jokes” so it’s heartwarming and amusing.
Jenny, lesbian lothario of the PCH, enters with yet another statuesque brunette in a dated tank top. Whoever designs costumes should be taken out the the Venice Boardwalk and shot. Screaming orgasm joke. Brooke looks like Sophia Loren and is a sassily sexy esthetician. Jenny asks Brooke to breakfast and Brooke is like, “Nah,” which annoys Jenny because that’s her thing. I think this girl may reappear!
Later, Alan and Paula watch “the game” at Paula’s burgundy and burnt orange living room. Paula and Alan joke about her beard coming in. Alan tries to get romantic with Paula on the couch, but Paula is took absorbed by “the game.” Because she used to be a dude. And now she’s acting like a dude. Aw, man. Don’t be like that. Don’t do this to me. Don’t make Paula “still a dude inside” or whatever and have that be the big transgender punchline.
Alan: I had the craziest day at the mall today.
Paula: You heard me about the overtime, right?
Alan: You heard me about the mall, right?
So this is like a gender norm swap gag? Freaky friday: the gender binary? THEN Paula does the unthinkable and starts stroking her lady nether regions like a man adjusting his balls.
Paula: Oh, sorry. I got phantom balls.
Oy. Alan responds, “Maybe you can scratch mine,” and that’s pretty chill of him. Paula’s character may be hamming the dude-bro up, but Alan’s character is still behaving. Awkward moment time: Paula’s ex-wife Rachel stops by to drop off shoes and chat. She and Paula are gal pals now. When Paula brags about Alan’s chiropractic skills to her ex-wife, Rachel asks Alan to fix up her back. Alan doesn’t have an office, so they arrange a house call.
The next morning, Jenny joins Walden, who is expertly wrapping brightly hued Christmas presents- in the kitchen. Jenny’s loose curls are, as always, highly aspirational. Who the hell has JEWELED wrapping paper? Walden aka Ashton Kutcher, that’s who. I want to be like “dumb” but actually jeweled wrapping paper is freaking precious and I want it bad.
Jenny pours herself a thick cup o’ booze and sits down grumpily. Walden is like, “Let’s rap” like, “Let’s wrap” and Jenny jokes about banging her creepy lesbian guidance counselor. Why don’t older women ever creep on me? Life is so unfair.
Jenny is, for the first time on TAHM, smitten. She asks for relationship advice. Jenny wants Brooke, but Brooke gave Jenny a fake number. Jenny wants what she can’t have, like all people. We’re tragic like that. Walden suggests Jenny look Brooke up on Facebook and encourages Jenny to take a risk.
Alan visits Paula’s ex for a chiropractic appointment. Paula’s ex makes a move on Alan, and Alan is tempted. To Walden! Walden goes to Brooke the waxer’s office for some manscaping and romantic espionage.
Brooke: Don’t I recognize you? Are you the guy who chased me out of his house because he caught me banging his wife? Because she came on to me.
Walden brings up Jenny, and screams like a baby as Brooke rips out junk hair. Walden asks Brooke to take Jenny out again.
Brooke: I don’t know, I usually try to keep it casual. Lesbians get really emotional, and somebody always ends up screaming or crying.
Walden screams and cries as Brooke tears out the taint. Brooke, impressed by Walden’s friendship, agrees to go out with Jenny again.
The next morning, Walden hobbles into the kitchen and gently ices his junk. Jenny enters in a paisley blouse monstrosity. Walden tells Jenny that Brooke is going to call her, and Jenny gratefully thanks him.
Back to Alan’s bed: Paula and him finish banging.
Alan: I gotta say, the guy who sculpted your hoo-ha is an artist.
Aw. Honestly I think Alan is sweet sometimes. But he’s about to get gross. Alan asks Paula is they are exclusive. Paula wants to be a slut, so Alan is free to go. He’s totally about to fuck a good thing up by sleeping with Paula’s ex.
In Malibu, Jenny is panicking over her date with Brooke.
Jenny: I’ve tried on like a million outfits! Butch, femme, lipstick, pixie… There was even a dark moment where I was wearing one of Alan’s polos!
Aw, the writers at CBS knew three lesbian stereotypes before starting to just make shiz up. Someone’s skimming AfterEllen! Alan tells Jenny to just be herself.
Jenny: You’re right… WWJD—What would Jenny drink?
PREACH girl. I regularly pre-game for first dates, especially when I have little interest in going on a second. Maybe Jenny should read this Five First Date Faux Pas list I wrote! Cross promotion, bitches. Jenny pours a stiff vodka-soda. Omg squee we have the same, “Let’s get fucked up but stay skinny” drink twinsies!
Alan meets up with Rachel for drinks and sexual innuendo. Paula walks into the bar and Rachel is like, “What a coincidence” and Paula is like, “Ho, yo know I go here every friday don’t even start that shit” and Alan makes a joke about his potentially deformed penis. Even though Paula and Alan aren’t exclusive, it’s not cool of him to go after her ex. ‘It hurts losing the man of your dreams,’ Brooke sneers, and it’s clear this is a mad fucked up relationship. Paula says she’s just with Alan because Alan doesn’t mind the sex-change. Paula and Brooke realize that they still have feelings for each other and start making out, while Alan snaps pictures.
Back to Malibu! Jenny is black out drunk passing between incoherent and unconscious. The doorbell rings! It’s Brooke, totally wasted, holding an empty bottle.
Walden: You drank that whole bottle by yourself?
Brooke: It’s OK, I’m going to eat later.
Lulz. Cute. Brooke is fine. I kinda love that they’re both wasted because they got nervous about going out with a girl they actually like. How deranged does that make me? That I’m relating to lesbian characters on Two And A Half Men? Jeezuz. After 10 episode recaps, I’m clearly forming some sort of stockholm syndrome with TAHM. It does make the task more pleasant, so I’ll go with it.
Brooke: I’m sorry, I never do second dates and I’m nervous because I really like Jenny.
Walden helps Brooke stumble over to the couch, where Jenny is passed out.
Brooke: Oh, cute, nap date!
Brooke collapses on the couch and passes out on top of passed out Jenny.
AWWW I WANNA BLACK OUT NAP DATE. Fuck, I’ve accidentally had blackout nap dates, why not just be upfront about it? “You’re really pretty and cool and that scares me so let’s not feel or remember anything so I can get through this.” Whose insies? Walden stops to admire the fetching if sloshed duo.
Walden: Awww. It’s like drunk, gay puppies! Squee!
Then Walden takes a picture because fuckers be creepy. Oy. Love/hate. Love, stockholm syndrome, and hate.