Two And A Half Men is getting sapphic this season with a lesbian character and Ashton Kutcher’s dyke hair. Soon to be a thing on Tumblr: Lesbians who look like Ashton Kutcher. Amber Tamblyn plays Jenny, Charlie Harper’s debaucherous long-lost daughter who brings the party, then leaves with the hottie. Jenny’s character debuted on last night’s 11th season premiere.
The episode opens with Alan (John Cryer) interviewing an earnest young candidate for an assistant position. Walden (Kutcher) walks into the living room, playing with his smartphone and talking about poop. Oy. This: “Why are you interviewing him to be my assistant when I just hired you to be my assistant?” “Oh no, I’m interviewing him to be my assistant!” [pause for laughter] Alan explains that Henry will be an unpaid intern. Jokes. A doorbell rings—but who could it be?
It’s Amber Tamblyn in a studded bustier and a black leather jacket! Best doorbell ever! She tells Alan she’s Charlie’s daughter and therefore his long lost niece. Jenny’s got a thick— Jersey? Boston? AMERICAN?—accent. Jenny sounds like Southern Europeans think we sound.
Home girl is like, “Yo, I got a wicked hangover do you have aspirin, tylenol, beer, scotch, whiskey,” etc. which I have to say sounds so good right now. Omg, OK, I’m going to secret pour a beer into a mug so my roomie doesn’t judge. Mmmm. Henry, the stereotypical Asian type A assistant, is hired and nips off to fetch Jenny a vodka and a Sprite.
Jenny: I hate the sun. It’s like God calling you an alcoholic.
Preach girl. She explains that Charlie and her mother got drunk and had sex in a bar bathroom one time, thus spawning the Jenny that stands upon my screen. To prove it, she offers to show Alan a pic of Charlie and her together.
Jenny: (scrolling through phone) HA! That’s my vagina! Wait—that’s not my vagina. THAT’S my vagina.”
I’ve made a very similar mistake only with pictures of boobs. Just kidding! But not really. I’m actually impressed by her lush (as in about her being a lush) one-liners. I may even use some of them. Jenny is from New York, and is an ex-pill popping med student turned gin-guzzling aspiring actress. Jenny chugs vodka and vomits.
Later in the day, the trio nibble brie the kitchen while listening to the rest of Jenny’s haphazard life story. Walden shows Jenny Charlie’s old room, they make semen jokes. They step onto the balcony and gaze upon the Pacific. Jenny wonders what her Father would ponder out there, like “how to nail those two hot surfer chicks.”
CBS, show the two hot surfer chicks so I can wonder too. Unlike Jenny’s character, I would never do anything about it, but let me at least wonder. Walden tells Jenny that even though he’s rich and finely coiffed, he’s had tough luck with the ladiez.