Another Friday, another Two and a Half Men episode to recap with boundless enthusiasm. A cold is brewing in my left nostril, so I’m forgoing my usual Friday morning beer for a Friday morning Emergency-C. To CBS!
Episode opens with Alan creepily watching Lindsay sleep. She comments on his creepiness. He makes a morning wood joke. As Alan walks Lindsay out, he runs into Jenny and her departing guest.
Alan: This is Lindsay
Jenny: No way! This is Lindsay too!
Not Lindsay: My name is Leslie.
Jenny: Aw, that’s a pretty name
In the living room, Alan and Jenny run into Walden and his blonde sleepover companion. Traffic jam! Look at these foxy CBS sitcom characters getting laid. Hehehehe. High five!
Later, Alan and Lindsay hook up in her car. Alan makes a lot of anal sex jokes. Alan finds a box of Larry’s (Lindsay’s husband) old clothes and decides to take them. He’s always cheap and super broke. That’s a running joke in this show.
The next morning, Walden sits in the kitchen, typing furiously while wearing the ugliest plaid combo yet: yellow plaid over yellow v-neck. Bright yellow. Is this Ashton Kutcher’s idea of “Silicon Valley nerd”? It’s terribly uncreative. Much like Ashton Kutcher.
Jenny: Good morning.
Walden: [disapprovingly] It’s afternoon.
Jenny: Oh good. I’m not going to drink in the morning.
Jenny pulls out a beer. That does look good. Cold be damned!
Walden: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Jenny: A little house on the beach with Kate Upton.
Walden: Kate Upton’s straight.
Jenny: Give me two weeks.
How odd. Jenny doesn’t sound like a lesbian so much as ALL THE STRAIGHT MEN WRITING HER CHARACTER. Look up from the Gillette ad, lads.
Walden presses Jenny to focus on her hypothetical acting career or do any work, ever. Alan struts in flaunting his new Armani suit, courtesy of Lindsay’s husband. Walden pushes Alan to find a real relationship. Alan makes a joke about “being a human vibrator.” Alan does a “human vibrator” impression. Later Alan begs Lindsay to be with him full time. She’s like “No, but we can hang out more” and he’s like, “Cool, I’m wearing Walden’s underwear.”
The next day, Jenny sunbathes in a bohemian black frock. She is drinking, obviously. Walden approaches Jenny with an air of solemnity. Instead of filling Jenny’s cup with bourbon, he fills it with an acting class flyer. Walden really doesn’t want Jenny to end up like Alan.
Alan goes to Larry’s spin class to check out the competition. Larry is really nice, and Alan is really bad at spinning. Larry and Alan bond after Larry coaches Alan through spinning, and Alan gets a man crush. In the evening, Alan returns to tell Walden about his new BFF. Walden chastises him because that’s what Walden does. God, what kind of world are we living in when Ashton Kutcher plays a moral compass? When he is “wise dad with advice”? Doesn’t anyone remember PUNK’D? Why are we listening to him? Jenny walks in, bragging about how well acting class went. She especially excelled at “pretending to be high.” Don’t we all?
The next day, Alan joins Larry in a sky box at some sort of sporting event. Jokes about Alan being cheap and queer land from all sides. Alan shovels pink shrimp down his gullet with revolting zeal. The man date is going smoothly until—quelle surprise! Some mishap hath occurred.
Lindsay stops by the (basketball?) game to surprise her loving boyfriend Larry. Larry is all too pleased to introduce Lindsay to his new BFF, funny queer cheap Jeff Strongman. Lindsay sends poor, sweet Larry on an errand to confront Justin/Alan. After a brief spat, Lindsay the lusty takes naughty boy Alan to the bathroom for some adult punishment. I just visibly shuddered.
Back at the crib, Jenny is painting her nails and looking fineeee. Weepy Walden enters the living room and, sly as a fox, asks Jenny if she went to acting class. She says no because Jenny DGAF. Walden, in one of his sad/hurt fits of shrieking, yells at Jenny for failing to try yet again.
Jenny: The reason I got into acting was to pretend to be someone else. I don’t want to think about my mother, or about my dead dad, or the fact that I’m 25 and living in the guest room of a stranger’s house.
Moved by Jenny’s distress, Walden tries to comfort her.
Jenny: AND THAT’S WHY I DON’T NEED ACTING LESSONS.
Back to Alan’s sad bathroom bangery. At first, he’s too guilty to get it up. But then Alan hears Larry’s voice in his head, coaching him to victory yet again.
Back to Malibu! The next morning, Walden models a cherry red plaid combo. Jenny walks inside, looking pleased with herself. Well, more pleased with herself than usual. “Guess who got an audition?!” Jenny always wins. Walden is pleased when Jenny says she went back to acting class. He is less pleased when Jenny tells him how she actually got the job.
Jenny: After about an hour of that acting crap, I had to go get a drink. So I bailed, and went to a bar, where I met a casting director. She turned out to be a lesbian, so I had a leg up. And when I put it down, I had an audition.
WHERE IS THIS BAR?!