Another Friday, another homoerotic episode of Two And A Half Men. I want a shot. Let’s begin.
Alan interrupts Walden working with his signature whine. Walden is wearing orange and plaid, which is a ghastly combination if I ever saw one. Most people don’t look good in orange, particularly that bright orange characteristic of inmates and students at the University Of Florida (aka future inmates). If Ashton’s outfit looks even remotely like your outfit, you need to change. Alan brings Walden a coffee mug and they make banter. Sad banter. Alan is wearing a yellow, navy, and red striped RL polo that screams “Do not fuck me under any circumstances.” In the world of Two And A Half Men, Ashton Kutcher is household’s voice of reason. Scary fucking place, man.
Reasonable Walden trudges up the stairs of his Malibu Mansion in a fit of bang-shaking pique, only to find the maid indulging in a little nappy-nap. Like Alan, she is bad at her job. The poor old dear’s back is jacked up. Walden summons Alan (a chiropractor) to throw her back into position. Berta won’t let Alan help because Alan is bad at all jobs so Walden calls the chiropractor and offers up his room for Berta’s recuperation.
Next morning: Mysterious sex screams pierced Walden’s sleep so he grills Alan for an explanation over coffee. He wears a cherry v-neck under a red and white plaid button-up. Walden looks like crap Santa with botox. Kutcher’s pretty face is so plumped by Restylane, he can’t fully furrow his brow. Just half furrow.
Apparently Alan was masturbating. Meh. They bring poor Berta breakfast in bed, only to find the woman blazed on Walden’s stash. She already blew through the doctor prescribed barbiturates and looks very happy.
Later in the day, Alan takes over Berta’s laundry duties while Walden gets stoned and paranoid. Where the fuck is Amber Tamblyn? Walden helps fold his infinite plaid shirts and wonders if Berta should retire. Both men agree that maybe it’s time to put the old girl “out to pasture.” Like Black Beauty. Remember? So sad. “Pasture” is basically a euphemism for “purgatory” or maybe “The River Styx.” Walden and Alan bring Berta cheesecake to soften the blow. Berta’s says she doesn’t have the cash to retire, so Walden generously offers to keep pay for it. Berta is offended by suggestion that she is too old and insulted by the offer of a hand out. OMG prediction: Walden and Berta will bicker comedically, then Berta will say, “I’m just afraid to retire because it means I’m useless/about to die/bored/lose purpose/going to miss you.” Berta says Walden has never worked for a living, and after a brief skirmish the old girl quits.
By the next day/scene, Walden and Alan are lounging on the balcony, sippin’ lemonade prepared with love by their new, better maid. They head inside and enjoy a delicious home-cooked meal until Helen begins to say grace.
A crazy homophobic evangelical type grace. She prays they find a righteous path away from homosexuality and avoid Hell’s burning sodomite retribution.
Next day/scene: Another maid, another comedic goldmine. This one is an attractive young Asian woman with a pixie cut. “Colleen” exits and Walden and Alan discuss what a great job she’s doing until—her phone rings. Alan reaches in Colleen’s purse to shut off the tone and pulls out a black handgun.
Quavering with terror, he discovers their new maid brought four guns and a shank. Alan and Walden run and hide from Colleen the Hun. Poop joke. I wish they bothered writing an explanation for the guns/shank.
Third maid is the charm, right? These boys certainly hope so! Walden and Alan forage on and interview yet another maid candidate. This one is black because diversity.
Walden: Our old maid would clean and cook for us, are you comfortable doing those things?
Maid: Yes, what would you like me to cook?
Walden: Well, for breakfast I like pancakes.
Maid’s kindly disposition changes to “sassy sister,” as CBS knows black women are wont to do at any moment.
Maid: Of course. You see an African American woman and the first thing you think is, “Ain’t yo mamma gon’ whip us some flapjacks?”
Maid gesticulates with wild abandon while Walden and Alan shriek “Nooooooooooooo” to no avail.
Maid: You going to ask me to bring my own bandana or ya’ll gonna supply me with one?
The guys try to calm her by saying, “We just like pancakes, nothing like that, you can make waffles instead” and the maid is like “CHICKEN AND WAFFLES?!” and the guys are like “Nooooooooooo.”
Oh women and minorities. Always getting upset and making things uncomfortable for everyone else (white men). Emotional creatures, all of them, prone to bouts of hysteria. Summon Freud and the smelling salts, black maid is mad with penis envy. Black maid continues to cruelly savage the boys with white guilt by making both coffee and laundry about racism. The white guys running CBS are clearly feeling very victimized.
Tina Fey: Raise your hand if you feel personally victimized by minorities and women.
CBS: (Raises hand)
Where. the. fuck. is Amber Tamblyn?!
Diary of a mad black woman leaves in whirlwind of crazy. Two Men lumber over to Berta’s pad to make amends.
Humorous banter, both Walden and Berta admit to hurt feelings, Walden offers Berta the job back. All is well in CBS hell.
Final question: would you like to tweet about TAHM like you tweet about Glee and PLL but with far less affection? Hashtag ideas are welcome. So far all I’ve got is: