Last Thursday’s installment of Two Men And A Lesbian comes to you this Monday, because I was liberating the television from a spoiled 13-year-old’s bedroom and putting it in a spoiled 24-year-old’s bedroom (aka my bedroom). It was glorious. Last time I recapped TAHM Jenny was basically absent, and in my frustration I may have drunk a spot too much, continued drinking through evening, thrown an impromptu after party, sent my guests to get booze, made Indian food, and passed out in a saffron flavored drunken coma before their return. So this week I’m a bit tentative as there are many things that need doing that cannot be done (WELL) drunk. Also it’s Monday. So no booze. Just TAHM. Sober. Fun. So fun. Can’t wait. Let’s begin.
Walden, Alan, Alan’s mother Evelyn, Evelyn’s boyfriend Marty, and Jenny gather in the living room for a celebration. Of Marty’s prostate exam. Wow, growing old with men sounds charming. Super duper sad I’m missing the penile aging process. The only thing ickier to me than a peen is an old peen. Say what you will about vaginas: they don’t sag. To my knowledge. Oh god please don’t let my vag sag, or my imaginary future wife’s vag sag. My jeans are too skinny to comfortably contain a drooping labia. When Evelyn steps out, Marty confides to the gang that he’s planning to ask for her hand in marriage. They’re down. Evelyn returns and Marty proposes by feigning a heart attack. Because nothing says “marry me” like the threat of death. Evelyn is super foxy for an old lady, and happily accepts Marty’s marriage proposal after double checking that there’s no pre-nup involved. Actually, reminding her that Marty could die any minute might have been a great strategy. Marty asks Walden to be best man, and Evelyn asks Jenny to be maid of honor.
Jenny: Sweet, I love weddings. A bunch of bridesmaids crying because they don’t have a man? It’s like eating fish in a barrel.
I detest Middle America’s sense of gay humor. The wedding will take place at Walden’s Malibu pad.
Walden struggles to plan a geriatric bachelor party attended by the living. Walden forgoes the traditional strippers in favor of a nice steak dinner. Marty’s friends make old man jokes about peeing, blindness, and soft meat. Shudder. Alan says cheers. Marty’s friends berate him for marrying a seventh time. Walden is a sappy fuck. Ashton Kutcher is an extraordinarily disingenuous actor. Two hotties in skin-tight dresses strut in and ask for Marty. Uh-oh, did Alan get strippers expressly against Walden’s wishes? Marty’s buddies eagerly vie for Sugar and Cinnamon’s attention.
Alan: Marty, you up for a lapdance?
Marty: I haven’t been up for a lapdance since the Reagan administration. Governor Reagan’s.
Sugar and Cinnamon grab a bag o’ Viagra and wheel Marty away for an hour long lap dance. In the mean time, Jenny and Evelyn shop in a lingerie store for some bridal bedroom goodies.
Jenny: You guys are kinky.
Evelyn: If we got any kinker, we’d upset the animal rights people…. So how about you, Jennifer? Are their wedding bells in your future? It is legal now.
Jenny: Ugh, don’t remind me. I used to have the perfect get out of relationship free card: “I’d love to marry you but darn all that prejudice and intolerance.” Bite me, Supreme Court.
I share Jenny’s bemusement. As thrilling as gay marriage is for gay people who want to get married, for gay people who don’t want to get married, it’s a lot of wedding talk. I can’t log into tumblr without scrolling through four lesbian marriage photosets filled with beaming dykes in dapper suits and euphoric femmes in flower crowns skipping through misty fields. Now that the novelty’s worn off, I realize I’m as interested in pictures of gay strangers marrying as I am in pictures of straight strangers marrying (i.e. not interested). Evelyn encourages Jenny to keep faith in love, and Jenny thanks Evelyn for including her in the wedding. Touching.
Back to the bachelor party of the (last) century! Sugar and Cinnamon wheel Marty back into the dining salon. Marty starts to thank Walden, but Alan interrupts “actually it was my idea.”
Marty: Oh, then you can tell your mother than the wedding is off.
Quelle domage! Zut alors! Mais non! SACRE BLEUUUUUUU. Marty’s friends, nonplussed by his announcement, tally up bets about Marty backing out of the wedding. That Marty. Always losing teeth and brides in one fell swoop. Walden and Alan are horrified. Back in Malibu, Alan angrily paces while Walden pensively mulls. Walden reminds Alan that Evelyn will blame Alan for Marty’s betrayal, like Evelyn blames him for everything.
Alan: She’s going to be crushed and it’s all because of us.
Walden: Stop saying that. It’s because of you.
Alan: Really? I thought as partners we shared our burdens, for better or for worse. Or were those just empty vows?
Walden: We’re not married!
Alan: Well you don’t have to remind me of that.
Walden: WE’RE NOT GAY!!! I CAN SEE WHY WE HAVE TO TELL OTHER PEOPLE THAT BUT WE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO TELL EACH OTHER!
Gay jokes. Walden and Alan living together but not being gay, yet occasionally acting gay and being mistaken for gay, is the joke that won’t stop giving to middle-aged heteros around this great nation. Never gets old. Never stop being funny. Ha. Straight dudes. Being kinda like gay dudes. But not gay. WHOA LUZ.
Evelyn and Jenny walk in carrying shopping bags. Jenny goes to make them a drink. Evelyn immediately knows somethings up. Alan tells Evelyn that Marty ran off with a couple of strippers. And called off the wedding. Evelyn’s face falls. “You can’t force someone to love you,” she murmurs sadly, and walks away. Evelyn may have accepted Marty’s rejection, but Alan and Walden haven’t. They visit Marty’s palatial mansion and lie their way in through Marty’s stodgy butler. Marty is lounging in bed while Sugar and Cinnamon draw a three-way bath. Alan and Walden enter and try to change Marty’s mind. Marty is afraid of failing at marriage for a seventh time. Marty thinks Walden and Alan are gay boyfriends, so he asks Walden why Walden isn’t married to Alan if he thinks marriage is so great. Walden is backed into a corner because he let Marty think he was gay. I smell humorous hijinks! To prove a point, Walden proposes to Alan. Alan shrieks “yes, yes, a million times yes” and jumps into Walden’s arms. Marty is convinced, and immediately calls Evelyn to reconcile.
Cut to Malibu: Evelyn and Marty are standing before a minister, lovingly speaking their kink-laced marital vows. Jenny stands angelically to the side, wearing a kelly green floral dress that does absolutely nothing for her. Seriously, Jenny’s dress looks like a satin curtain wrapped around a telephone pole. Evelyn and Marty kiss happily, and two become one.
Marty: None of this would have happened without Alan and Walden. So as a gift, I’ve arranged for Tim to perform one more wedding ceremony.
The guests applaud, Alan hyperventilates in delight, and a horrified Walden wonders how to get out of this mess.