Good morning my doves. This month I gave up drinking in the spirit of self-improvement, but now that I’m faced with Two And A Half Men, my resolve is rapidly weakening. Just one glimpse at Alan’s golly-gee-whiz expression and my fingers involuntarily clutch for the smooth, chilled embrace of a beer that is not here. Does wine count as alcohol? I feel no. Like legit recapping TAHM is giving me anxiety. I am beyond unfit to enter the broader workforce. Imagine asking me to file something, I’d be like, “Why? What’s the point? What’s the point of anything? Will you take me to lunch?” Last week there was a TAHM episode that I didn’t recap because I didn’t know it existed, and when I found out I was like, “Whatever, it’s the holidays, I’m Catholic, Jesus wouldn’t want me to work,” so I ate french toast and read a fantasy/adventure trilogy instead.
Last week something important happened in Ashton/Waldens life: he bought a percentage of cute girl Nicole’s project while standing next to Dale from Greek aka the best ABC family show ever (pre-PLL), became her product engineer, changed her code, was fired for changing her code, kissed her. So much to happen in 24 minutes. Also Jenny the lothario met her match in Brooke, and they are now girlfriend and girlfriend.
Episode 12 opens in the kitchen over breakfast, when Alan asks Jenny if she wants to see a movie that evening.
Jenny: Aw, I can’t, my girlfriend and I are actually making a movie. It’s like Hunger Games, but we’re not going to be eating food.
I’m obsessed with this relationship. I love that two such imperfect, don’t give a fuck, hot lesbians found their match. That’s what I want. Where’s my Jenny/Brooke? She would never tolerate me quitting drinking, and I would love her for that.
Walden enters, says he’s seeing Nicole that night. They mock Walden for being indecisive about Nicole. Alan goes to the movies alone and runs into Lindsay (ex he was sleeping with) and Larry (Lindsay’s boyfriend who Alan accidentally befriended while sleeping with Lindsay. Larry offers to set “Jeff Strongman” (Alan’s codename) up with a coworker, and Alan accepts.
Walden stops by Nicole’s office/home to ask her out to dinner. Nicole is clearly tempted, but says no because of too much work. Walden comes home and hangs out with Alan and Berta. Alan tells Walden that Larry and Lindsay are setting him up. Walden wear ugly plaid. Vacuum/masturbation joke. Does that really happen?
The doorbell rings and it’s Lindsay, shrieking, “Alan, are you really that stupid?” Later, Walden tries to Skype Nicole but has a tricky time getting her attention. Nicole opens the garage door, and it’s Walden waiting outside with a romantic picnic. After some cajoling, Nicole joins Walden for wine and cheese, and Walden wins her over.
To Alan! He’s on the double date, enthusiastically watching as his hot date pulls a string of cherries out of her throat. Lindsay is conspicuously jealous. Hottie invites everyone to a party in the HIlls. At the party, everyone is hot and undressed because it’s a SWINGERS PARTY Y’ALL. How terribly CBS.