Dear Tila Tequila,
The Internet is buzzing today because you "came out" as a lesbian on Twitter last night. I believe the exact succession of revelation went something like this:
As my good friend Dorothy Snarker says, the LGBT community is a bit of an "umbrella for sexual otherness." Whether you identify as lesbian or bisexual, there is plenty of room for you under the canopy. So, hello — again.
You didn’t just Tweet about being a full-blown lesbian last night, though; you also Tweeted about your time on A Shot At Love. You accused MTV of drugging you and forcing you to choose a man (Bobby) in the first season when you really wanted to choose a woman (Dani). That’s a lot of yikes, my friend. If it’s accurate, I’m really sorry you had to go through that.
I’d like to congratulate you for "coming out," on what was apparently a tumultuous path toward sexual discovery. Let me repeat myself: The LGBT umbrella is big enough for lesbians and bisexuals, but if the "lesbian" label feels more authentic to you, well, use it to live your best life! (That’s a phrase I borrowed from my other good friend, Oprah.)
To help you on your way, I’d like to give you a few tips on how to begin living your best life — on Twitter.
Tip #1: A Tweet becomes a Twat when you Tweet on repeat.
You have Tweeted 23,360 times.
Let me put that into perspective for you: I joined Twitter the day after it launched in Spring 2007, and have kept up a pretty inane and consistent stream of Tweets with my BFFs since then. Yet I have only Tweeted a total of 5,848 times. Last night when you announced that you are a lesbian, you created a Tweet Storm. There’s a reason Twitter restricts messages to 140 characters. If you find that you need to Tweet, say, 300 times to get your point across, perhaps you should write a blog post instead.
Tip #2: All of your Friends may be Followers, but all of your Followers are not Friends.
Tweets are intended for the public at large. In your case, the 262,034 people who follow you. Text messages are intended for your Friends.
Friends are people with whom you have a reciprocal relationship built on trust and affection. Followers are people who click "follow." Friends are people with whom you can over-share. Followers are people who appreciate a little discretion.
Just, as an example, this is over-sharing.
You should be Texting your Friends with this information, not Tweeting your Followers.
Tip #3: Using all caps all the time is crying wolf.
You remember the story of the boy who cried wolf, don’t you? He kept shouting "WOLF!" when it wasn’t true. Then when a wolf really did attack him, he cried for help, but no one came to his rescue. The same principle works for capitalization. Let me demonstrate.
Suppose this is your morning Twitter stream:
8:00 a.m. I AM EATING A BOWL OF CHEERIOS!!!
9:00 a.m. I AM TURING ON THE TV TO WATCH SPONGEBOB I HOPE IT IS FUNNY TODAY!
10:00 a.m. THE GARBAGE COLLECTORS ARE HERE AND MY DOG IS BARKING AT THEM!!
11:00 a.m. I STILL CANNOT WORK THE PROGRAM SETTINGS ON MY NEW TREADMILL!!!
12:00 a.m. OH MY GOD I AM BEING EATEN ALIVE BY A BEAR!!!
Do you see how that last thing, about you being eaten alive by a bear, loses its punch because you’ve been screaming since breakfast? Imagine if everything was properly capitalized and punctuated. An all caps tweet at noon about a bear eating your face would probably cause the proper amount of alarm. Perhaps someone would call animal control and you could be saved.
Tip #4: If you feel like XXX Tweeting, close your laptop and walk away.
We’ve all been there, late at night with a little too much, er, tequila in our system, and suddenly Tweeting something inappropriate sounds like an hilarious idea. This is an important life lesson: Sober people don’t think drunk shenanigans are funny. If it seems like a good idea, but falls under the XXX category, it is not a good idea. Don’t Tweet it. In fact, don’t text it. If you need to get it out, write it in a journal.
Tip #5: The only person who sounds cool saying "XOXO" is Gossip Girl.
And Gossip Girl is only cool because she is fictional.
I think if you will employ these Twitter tips and use a little discretion when you address the public, you will find people a lot more sympathetic to you and your plights. Humans really do enjoy watching other humans succeed. It is the only way to explain The Biggest Loser.
Again, re-welcome to the umbrella. THIS RAIN SURE IS SOMETHING!