"Glee" Episode 213 Recap: Oh, Say Can You Bieb?

If there could be such a thing as a not-very-gay episode of Glee, this would be it. Although Glee at its least gay is still really super-gay, especially to a girl like me who came of age in an era when a two-second dry-mouthed kiss between two women who weren't even dating got a TV episode canceled on half the network affiliates in the nation.

But I digress; this is not a recap of a long-ago episode of LA Law, it's the recap of the thirteenth episode of the second season of Glee, "Comeback." And despite the fact that there was no Kurt whatsoever, not even Kurt swaying in the background while Blaine leads the Warblers in song, and that the future promise of Brittana seems as far off as it ever did… this episode had its moments.

Or maybe not. I might be fooled by the fact that I've never actually seen Justin Bieber perform nor heard him sing. I've only seen the ten thousand photos of lesbian Bieber-look-a-likes, so to me, Bieber is a lesbian icon.

"Comeback" opens with Will mentally voice-overing about how the Glee Club is set for a comeback just as Emma comes racing in to drag him off because Becky Jackson found a Sue-icide note in Sue's journal.

Will and Emma go to Sue's house, where the front door is unlocked but the door to Sue's bedroom is not. Will bashes it in with his shoulder, and they find Sue lifeless on the bed, empty Gummy Bear vitamin bottles all around her.

Only she's not dead; she snaps out of it and says, "I just stopped my own heart. It's my CIA training."

Sue intones, "I have nothing to live for," to which Emma replies, "Not untrue."

Emma and Will walk out on her in anger, but not before Sue snarls that Will has "more grease in your hair than that guy from Wikileaks." Ouch. But points for timeliness, Gleemasters!

So, Sam and Quinn, the couple with the least amount of chemistry on the whole show – and I'm including Will and his ex-wife here, hell, I'm including Mr. Figgins and Sue – are planning their Friday night date. Sam wants to go to Color Me Mine, which I had to Google because I had no idea what that was. Apparently it's a national chain of "paint your own pottery" shops. Who knew?

Anyway, Sam may be blond and pretty and not too bright, but he does realize Quinn is slipping away from him, even though he says he believes that Quinn got mono from Finn by sucking a gumball out of his windpipe to save his life, not by making out with him.

God, I love this show.

Anyway, he conceives a plan to get her back. His dad always told him that there are two ways to get a woman: "Take her hunting, and rock and roll." (Note to any random straight guys who might read this: Sam's dad is an idiot. Don't listen to him. Trust me.)

Fortunately, Sam doesn't go the Bambi-killing route; he chooses the rock route. And who, he wonders to himself in yet another patented Glee mental voice-over, is more rock 'n' roll than Justin Bieber?

Like I said, I've never heard the lad sing, but I'm going to guess practically anyone who's ever picked up a guitar and strummed the opening chords of "Gloria" is more rock 'n' roll than he is.

Sam starts by taking his already epically Bieber-esque hair and making it even more so. Then he starts a one-man tribute band, "The Justin Bieber Experience," and hits the bat mitvah circuit, where dozens of screaming tweens storm the stage.