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‘Wynonna Earp’ S2. E10: No Good Options

Previously on Wynonna Earp, Tucker Gardner faked his own death to slip away from the Widows, then tried to kill Rosie, who didn’t die because she’s a Revenant; Wynonna asked Doc to give up his ring of immortality in order to free Sheriff Clootie and try to break the Earp curse; Waverly kissed Rosie and instantly regretted it, then almost got abducted by Tucker; and finally Not Mercedes showed up at Nicole’s house and definitely was not selling Girl Scout cookies.

This week picks up where last week left off: Nicole opens the door to find Not Mercedes standing there and her first question isn’t, “Why are you dressed like you’re wearing a Black Widow spider costume when it’s not Halloween?” (seriously, look at the butt of that dress!) but rather a comment on how awful Not Mercedes looks, what with the head wound and all.

Not Mercedes attacks her immediately, certain that Nicole must have the seal because her magic rings said so. Not knowing that she’s looking for a ring specifically, Not Mercedes says what she’s looking for is old and metal and maybe Nicole didn’t know she just had it lying around. Because you know, that narrows it down. Waverly miraculously appears right at that moment, randomly holding a long stick that she breaks in half to replicate her training weapons of last episode. (So many questions here. Did she bring the stick with her? If so, why didn’t she pre-break it? Why doesn’t she carry bladed weapons, which would seem more effective?) Waverly starts to lay the smack down on Not Mercedes, but the Widow eventually gets the upper hand. Nicole dives in to save Waverly, but gets bitten on the arm in the process.

At the hospital, Wynonna asks Sheriff Nedley for help. He agrees, claiming it’s about time to take back Purgatory from the demons. It turns out that Wynonna’s not there for Nicole, however, but for Mercedes, who…well, is doing about as well as one can without a face. Just then, Wynonna hears a familiar, panicked voice: Waverly. Nicole has stopped breathing.

As she’s wheeled into the operating room, Waverly’s eyes meet that of the nurse: it’s Mattie Perley, better known as “The Blacksmith,” a minor witch from season 1 who Constance Clootie killed after Mattie bound the skull of one of Constance’s sons to Waverly. Waverly doesn’t seem to react, but we the viewers recognize this as a Clue.

As the Scoobies wait anxiously for news of Nicole’s condition, Waverly tells Wynonna and Dolls about kissing Rosie, who is both Doc’s girlfriend and a Revenant, so like, doubly off limits. Waverly discovers Wynonna knows where the third seal is, knowledge she’s hoarding to “keep others safe.” Except, this exact strategy is getting people hurt, namely: Nicole.

Waverly storms off, and Dolls tells Wynonna that they don’t have much time to find a solution because the Widow’s poison is likely to kill Nicole in two to three hours. Outside the hospital, Waverly runs into Not Beth, who has a proposition: get her the location of the third seal from Wynonna and she’ll cure Nicole. Given that the Widows are the only ones who can cure Nicole, Waverly’s options are limited. Waverly claims she won’t betray Wynonna…buuuut you know. They can fight Sheriff Clootie after Nicole is happily back to watching “The L Word” and tweeting about Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor.

In an emotional exchange, Nicole makes an impossibly difficult request of Wynonna: if things get bad and she becomes a vegetable kept alive only by the power of machinery, Wynonna has to pull the plug, because Nicole knows that Waverly won’t. It’s “Million Dollar Baby,” and Wynonna is Clint Eastwood. Wynonna agrees, clearly planning to never ever have to do that, then Waverly comes in. Nicole tells Waverly that she’s never loved anyone the way she loves her and the only reason I’m not using my cat as a Kleenex is because I know she’s gonna live. Emily Andras would face the Wrath of the Lesbians otherwise.

Jeremy then relays what he’s learned about the Widows: their venom paralyzes when inhaled, but when put directly into the bloodsteam (biting), kills. To create an antidote for Nicole, they’ll need more venom and a test subject. Wynonna sets off to get Doc and go milk some venom out of Not Mercedes.

Outside the hospital, Not Beth, who really does have nothing better to do, accosts Waverly again about finding the third seal. They exchange barbs and end up with the same Mexican standoff as before: Waverly wants to save Nicole but can’t trust Not Beth to fulfill her side of the bargain (also it would betray Wynonna), Not Beth desperately needs the seal but can only get its location from Waverly. As Waverly may be about to cave, she is intercepted by Nedley, who has some interesting news to relay: he called Nicole’s next of kin, who turns out to be…Shay, Nicole’s wife. WHAAATTTT?

We interrupt this jaw-dropping moment to give you the Fraternal Order of Silly Masks, to whom Dolls has gone to try to get a venom sample. Unfortunately, they burned the bodies of the Widows’ victims, so no samples for Dolls. The Order offers to protect baby Earp, which is rich coming from these dudes wearing leather bird masks who never seem to show up at the right time, but Dolls takes a pass. Ewan offers up instead the Purgatory Fair plate, which apparently the Order has just been keeping in its fire truck, like you do.

At the hospital, Waverly learns that Nicole and her wife met rock climbing in Nevada, not far from Vegas (naturally), and whirlwinded their way into a short-lived marriage. Shay’s superior knowledge of Nicole’s medical history makes Waverly feel inferior, and she flees the hospital room. At Shorty’s, Wynonna is all like, “I know,” to Rosita, who’s like, “OMG, was it Doc who told you he’s been doing the horizontal paso doble with a Revenant?” Rosita tells Wynonna that she saved Waverly’s life so she’s clearly a good Revenant and should be allowed to live, but Wynonna just sees one more Revenant to kill. Doc comes down and kisses Rosie before leaving to get the car, which I’m pretty sure makes Wynonna throw up in her mouth a little.

Once Doc is gone, Wynonna offers Rosie a deal: become the test subject for the Widow anti-venom and Wynonna will shoot her last among the Revenants. It’s a sucky deal, made more so by the fact that Rosie would have volunteered to help without being bullied into doing it. Because that’s what friends do. Rosie is possibly the tragic hero of this season and I like her. She needs better, less self-centered friends…one of whom could be Jeremy, because he doesn’t want her to sacrifice herself and feels uncomfortable using her as a test subject. Rosie’s all, “Whatever” *stabs self with IV needle.*

Doc is not pleased with Wynonna’s cruel treatment of Rosie when he finds out as he and Wynonna check out Nicole’s place. Rosie might not be able to die except by Peacemaker, but that doesn’t mean she can’t feel pain. They discover fresh blood on the floor and realize that Not Mercedes, who is the dimmest bulb in the box o’ Clootie wives, has kidnapped Nedley, who she thinks has the seal.

Dolls and Waverly arrive at Scooby HQ to discover Rosie passed out. Waverly immediately removes the IV. Rosie is a friend, and we don’t torture friends. She tells Dolls and Jeremy about Not Beth’s offer, and Dolls-who’s a big marshmallow inside-suggests that Waverly take it. Get Nicole back, and deal with the consequences later. Problem is, neither of them know where the seal is. Dolls rolls up his sleeve: test subject number two is ready to go.

In the barn, Not Mercedes’ torture of Nedley is going nowhere, but we do learn that there used to be an actual demon rodeo in Purgatory. Maybe one day we’ll get flashbacks.

At the hospital, Nicole’s organs are shutting down because there’s too much iron in her blood because of the venom. Waverly has an idea: that nurse from earlier in the episode isn’t Mattie, but rather her identical twin, Gretta, who is also a witch. Conveniently, an iron witch. Waverly asks her to help Nicole recover from being attacked and Gretta’s like, “By two spider Widows who take people’s faces? Yeah, totally know about them. I can give you an anti-venom, but it will cost you.” And Waverly’s like, “You can have my firstborn and also my Princess Diana limited edition Beanie Baby. Whatever it takes.” Famous last words, amIright? What Gretta writes down, however, turns out to be the location of Doc’s ring, which is hidden in Nedley’s coffee mug in the Sheriff’s office. Waverly realizes immediately it’s the third seal. Gretta gave her not a cure, but a bargaining chip to use with Not Beth.

Doc and Wynonna, meanwhile, track Not Mercedes and Nedley’s trail through the woods until they reach a giant barn. Doc asks Wynonna to stay behind for the sake of the baby, but she demurs, promising to keep out of harm’s way. They roll into the barn-literally-in the truck, hitting Not Mercedes, who yells, “Give me my seal!” Wynonna yells back, “Give me my Nedley!” as Doc opens fire with two revolvers. Wynonna then uses Not Mercedes’ face as a punching bag and eventually shoots her in the leg so that they can bundle her back to Scooby HQ for the venom milking in a Hannibal Lector rig. I’m sure the crew loved this episode.

Wynonna runs the anti-venom to Nicole, but finds Nicole is already miraculously healed. Although Nicole doesn’t know why, Wynonna can tell by looking at Waverly’s face that it has something to do with her. Unwilling to say what she did, Waverly runs out and the camera pans to Not Beth, who stands in front of the burned down church holding the third seal.

At Shorty’s, Waverly bemoans the devil’s bargain she made with Not Beth while Gretta names her price: the trophy containing the Burlap Sack Evil Genie, Marzaniok. As Gretta begins speaking in High German (which must be taught in the local high school, given everyone seems to know it), Doc runs in. As Gretta finishes, he disappears. Her wish is that one Earp disappear while the other is left to suffer for it. This is because it turns out she blames the Earps for her twin’s death and this is her revenge. At Scooby HQ, Wynonna, who has just realized how to use the Purgatory Fair plate as a weapon, disappears. Jeremy runs into Shorty’s and finds Waverly. In this new world without Wynonna, the two are engaged, and Doc is back in the well.

Woah. Although plenty of shows have done “if the protagonist didn’t exist” episodes (for example, “The Wish,” the 9th episode of season three of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”), I did not see Waverly and Jeremy together, and Doc back in the well is a stroke of genius. He looks so scared. Guess we’ll see next week what Purgatory looks like without its resident demon slayer. Is Bobo the mayor?

Although it was totally unexpected, having Shay turn up as Nicole’s separated wife is actually really consistent with Nicole’s character. She’s exactly the type who would fall head over heels and rush into a wedding. That said, I wouldn’t mind a Waverly-Nicole wedding somewhere down the line. Just think how cute it would be! Then they could fight demons side by side as wives, similar to Madame Vastra and Jenny Flint on “Doctor Who.” The only nitpick on this episode is Waverly’s pants. How does she even get them on they’re so tight!

What did you think, Earpers? A whole episode dedicated to WayHaught!

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