Gay Girl’s Goggles: “30 Rock” SnapCap (6.13-14) — Kidnapped by Danger and other love stories

Last week was another double-header 30 Rock Thursday. So I’ll SnapCap them both together in the interest of expediency and because they both involve the production of the greatest love story ever told: Kidnapped by Danger: The Avery Jessup Story. Brought to you with limited commercial interruptions by Pride bladder control pads. Pride: make every room a bathroom.

And so the mentee becomes the mentor. Liz accepts new page/stalker Hazel’s request to be her mentor. At the same time she writes the TV movie about the kidnapping of her past mentor Jack’s wife, Avery. It’s a real passing of the torch, or in this case bladder control pads. And it all made for a very funny, very crazy hour of television filled with guest stars of the sibling (Billy Baldwin) and gay (Cynthia Nixon) and hot slut (Mary Steenburgen) varieties.

AFTERELLEN BAIT

Hey, look, it’s a real-live gay lady on 30 Rock. And she’s talking about being a real-live gay lady. Cynthia Nixon’s appearance at the table read for Kidnapped by Danger as Nancy (originally played by Julianne Moore) was pretty damn hilarious. And it was also a delightful red-head meta moment as one ginger played another ginger. But my favorite thing about her quick cameo was the rightfully dismissive way she handled a come-on from Billy Baldwin’s character. “I’m married to a woman.” Yes, Cynthia, yes you are. Also, “Go Red Sox!”

FEELINGS, FEELINGS, FEELINGS!

I’m trying top decide if Hazel’s somewhat sexual obsession with Liz is hilarious or creepy or equal parts of both. I think probably the latter. As played with intense loopiness by Kristen Schaal, Hazel is like the world’s most confident and simultaneously ill-behaved puppy. And she has a habit of complimenting Liz in the weirdest, yet not entirely inaccurate ways. Because I too believe Lemon has a hot ass and her rack is like pow!

The other thing that made me have feelings this week was the show’s continued loving, needling jokes both about feminism and The Gays – sometimes at the same time. Women who are tough and ambitious must be called “Courtney” or “Leslie.” The endgame of feminism is getting to dress as Dennis the Menace at work. The ultimate goal of a TV movie is to have gay men dress as its lead character for the next 20 years. And, as Liz tells Hazel, all women in the workplace have to deal with the male gaze. Or, as Hazel puts it, “Yeah, they’re all a bunch of gays.” Too true. p.s. I totally covet Liz’s plaid shirts this week – does that make me super feminist and super gay?

MAKING LEMON-ADE

Elizabeth “Diablo” Lemon was triumphant this week. Acquiring a mentee. Allowing her mentee to fail. Writing sexy Mythbusters fan-fic. Creating monkey business to prevent monkey business. And, of course, introducing the world to Lemonem. Her name is? What? Her name is? What? Liz Shady.

HEY, NERDS!

While Kidnapped by Danger: The Avery Jessup Story. Brought to you with limited commercial interruptions by Pride bladder control pads. Pride: make every room a bathroom (shortened to the convenient acronym KBDAJSBTYWLCIBPBCPPMERB), was this week’s central theme, both Kenneth and Jenna had their own adventures. Ken quit his job at Standards & Practices to save Tracy from Hazel’s incompetent care, only to be rehired at NBC as a janitor. And Jenna lands the role of Avery in KBDAJSBTYWLCIBPBCPPMERB and then tries to out weird Weird Al by writing an unspoofable song for the film only to have that sneaky Yankovic Nomal Al her back. Also, how much do we love the Weird Al 30 Rock theme song? So much I won’t even talk trash about it on my Facebook or Twitter page.

But, as Jenna would say, that’s a nice story but I don’t hear my name in it. So here are some of the other invaluable lessons we learned this week on the Rock. A man should never wear pastel unless he’s a black guy on Easter. The United States is no longer the world leader in baby cuteness. Lois Lane and journalism is the greatest love story ever told. Amnesty International is nothing but a company that makes and sells candles, which explains all the vigils. If someone is actually on NBC, they’re four percent more likely to watch it. And, finally, no one knows who Krang is.

So, were double the 30 Rocks double the pleasure for you this week? And, for serious, can someone tell me who Krang is?

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