Last week: Mariah left, which means Team America went down! No, not in the fun way! The teams are now even at 6 and 6! I wonder if that will happen a whole bunch to keep the fake “team” tension going! Probably, yes! Let’s get out of these exclamation points!
Inside the Model House!
Laura (Team USA, Team LezBiModel) had the best picture of the week last week (yay), so Team America got prizes in the form of another gift box of clothes. And again this week, we don’t really dwell on the clothes. Must have been a product placement that fell through?
To soothe their troubled brows after not getting best picture again, some of the Brits (Alisha, Sophie, Louise and Catherine) decide that they will run into the Americans’ room and throw wet balls of paper at them.
Hey, Brits? This is only barely a prank. I mean, yes, it is late, and the prankees will be surprised, but there is a certain lack of the element of playful cleverness that one hopes for in a good prank. Like, for example, taking a weekend to very carefully cover the entire floor of the prankee’s dorm room with water-filled Dixie cups, or perhaps using said room for the reassembly of a working Volkswagen Beetle. (Residents of the dorm for which my sister Roxanne is an R.A., these are shameful examples and I hope you are not taking notes or making any plans in that regard. Nor should you make it your mission in life to convince the entire campus that Roxanne loves the music of Katy Perry. That would be childish and wrong.)
Anyway, the totally-non-producer-goaded “prank” is underway, and it’s all worthwhile when we see Catherine stuff paper balls into her cleavage for easy carrying.
We hear a model say “We’ll get Seymone,” as we watch the models pointlessly ninja down a completely unguarded hallway, and then they burst in and whip the wet paper balls at Seymone.
For a minute, we’re all on Team Seymone, because that is a lame prank, and becoming a piece of papier-mâché at 2:30 in the morning doesn’t seem like much fun. But then we discover that Seymone does not have a sense of humor about it at all, and then she does that awful thing where a grown woman who should know better uses the word “females” in a derogatory way. Because instead of asserting that these particular women are being lame-asses, it’s much better to buy into the notion that all women are inherently difficult and awful.
Boo, Seymone. You retroactively deserve your wet paper salute.
Within seconds, the models are chest-to-chest and screaming — again, alas, not in the fun way. Do normal people ever really fight like that? It seems to be just TV people.
Alisha correctly diagnoses Seymone’s zero-to-death-machine spike as the stress of the competition and of the dramatic fall from having been on top first week to being in the bottom last week. Unfortunately for Alisha, this show is not called America’s Next Top User of Social Skills.
Morning!
“Am I smizing?” That’s Alisha, working hard and asking an earnest question of her teammates. They tell her no, then get her to think of loved ones and say yes. Alisha explains that she was dyslexic, tall and slim, and so she was given a rough time in school. She wants to show other London girls that they can go somewhere and be someone. Aww.
Tyra arrives!
Everyone follows Tyra though the house, and her whole visit is super weird. This is the second show in a row where it looks like they went to their backup footage that they shot on a whim.
For example, Tyra has the models walk it out while shouting to her about themselves. Louise playfully shakes her cleavage and says, “I’m Lou, I’m curvy, I’m voluptuous.”
In a confessional, Louise says “There’s not a lot of things I can say I’m good at, but modeling is f–king one of them.” I love Lou in different ways for each half of that sentence. I really want to see how she turns out in 10 or 15 years. I suspect we’ll know because she owns us.
Tyra then apparently takes everyone upstairs and hosts a freestyle rap competition in the bedroom. Please don’t do that anymore, Tyra.
Then they all go downstairs. WHY?
Tyra then tells a moving story of journalists not understanding her and not understanding what a supermodel is and asking “Do you have superpowers?” and then Tyra drives around the room on a Segway shouting “This is a segue!”
Anyway, she’s being Super Smize again (heavy sigh), which, along with Tyra’s deep, deep character work, involves putting on a cape. And apparently wearing a stripe of yellow duct tape around her boobs. Fine.
Oh, and Tyra also wants you to know she wrote a book. Somewhere, a ghostwriter has been paid in Sports Illustrated outtakes and questionable advice. Tyra’s book is a dystopian future kind of young adult book about models. Pity the title The Hunger Games was already taken, eh, Tyra?
Tyra’s book is called Modelland, which we are also calling their house from now on, and it features models with super powers called “Intoxibellas,” and I am so annoyed with Tyra for making me look up how to properly spell and capitalize something in her dumb book that I just bit an eye pencil in half.
The models are issued some capes and a wind machine and are given their new Intoxibella names based on their modeling super powers.
Sorry for the pause there. My brain just tried to flee out my ear and I had to go recapture it.
Anyway, by far the best part of this sequence is when Tyra gifts each model with her new name by slapping it directly onto her boobs, and then whapping it again to make sure the little logo thingy sticks. Sorry about your innocence, models!
Anyway, their stupid new names, which the models will be forced to conform to no matter what else happens in the competition or how they develop as human beings:
Team UK
Sophie: Illuminata because she lights up a room
Alisha: Gam-A-Tronica for her amazing legs
Louise: Chameeleoné, because she is “sexy, jolly, sweet,” I kept having to rewind that, because I couldn’t believe that even Tyra would call one of the plus-size models “jolly.” But she did. She totally did.
Catherine: Era-Descent (Pronounced “iridescent,” sort of) because she “can go from era to era to era.”
Stop yelling at me! I am just telling you what Tyra said! And if you think that you just spotted the point where Tyra’s writers left the classier drinks behind and broke into the Schnapps, I believe you are correct.
Ashley: Charismia which Tyra doesn’t explain. She just says “Scottish Charismia,” as though that’s a thing. I think I know a supermodel who forgot what “charisma” means.
Annaliese: Excite-To-Buy. Really. They are pretending that is a name. I’m surprised one of the later models wasn’t called “Oh, Screw It.”
Team USA
AzMarie: Andro-Genia because that is all Tyra or the judges will ever notice about her!
Laura: Zagalicious because she zags instead of zigs? Possible descent into Jagermeister for the writers.
Seymone: Fiercely Real, which if you are a new viewer, is what Tyra always, always, always calls plus-size models. To celebrate their individuality. Anyway, she’s pretty sure we haven’t seen through that term.
Kyle: Next-Doorsia People. People! I know it’s not a name! Stop throwing those wet paper balls! It was the writers! And possibly the Rumple Minze.
Candace: Exotica because she could be black or Polynesian. OK.
Eboni: 30-Never because she will never reach 30. That sounds horrifying, like Tyra is predicting she’s going to die in a car crash, but she’s actually saying that Eboni will never mature beyond 30, as though that is a wonderful thing.
(Climb up on my knee here, under-30s, and listen to me carefully: Your life gets so much better after 30. I promise you. Right on your birthday, bam! Your brain just draws a hard line, and suddenly you have a whole new, vast category of Crap Up With Which You Will No Longer Put. It’s the best. Now run along and get Grandma some Schnapps.)
Anyway, Tyra makes Eboni pirouette around and it’s not even about being under 30, it’s about how Tyra thinks the little girl thing is sexy. Gross.
Then Tyra says the next level (They just got to this one! Let them enjoy the capes!) is to be a “super mogul” and be a businesswoman. You know what? She’s right. Use your minds, models, and take care of your careers.
And then Tyra says this, which I am just going to type out verbatim and leave there for your perusal.
“I just graduated from a three-year owner-president management program of Harvard business school.”
Tyra wants the models to learn marketing, leadership, strategy, global marketing, finance, and accounting.
Sophie says “Everything she said made so much sense,” which it absolutely did not, but she’s totally right that these ladies should have a goal of managing their own careers and finances. Good on you, Tyra.
Let’s go to a warehouse!
No, a warehouse. A WAREhouse!
Look who’s here! It’s legendary (fashion and) PR Maven Kelly Cutrone! WHAT DO YOU DO!?
Well, one thing legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone does is a lot of very long voiceovers. She must have screwed up her lines a lot on site.
The models are going to create their very own ad campaign for a product-placed website! Annaliese says the Brits have an advantage because they know the brand! This will turn out to be inaccurate!
The theme of the campaign is “Love Luxury,” which you can forget immediately, as it has nothing to do with anything that actually happens.
Each team has to assign a leader, and then someone to deal with wardrobe, hair and makeup, props, and casting a male model. Nothing but “leader” will ever be judged, so, again, just ignore the rest.
Annaliese is the immediate leader for Team Brit. Team America chooses AzMarie.
There doesn’t seem to be a ton of difference in their preliminary meetings, but suddenly legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone is standing over the Brits saying “You guys need to go, go, go, go!”
Then legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone yells “Who’s the leader? Who’s the leader?” at Team Brit. Anneliese panics and freezes like she thinks maybe legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone is a raptor and won’t be able to see her if she stands very still. It’s a good try, but doesn’t work.
Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone yells at the Brits then points at herself and says, “this is a serious leader.” Then she points at Anneliese: “This is a confused leader.”
Oh, legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone. If there’s one way to work your way into my heart, it’s badgering innocents and referring to yourself in the third person. I can see we’re going to be great friends.
Also: WHAT DO YOU DO?
One thing legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone does is hate Annaliese. A lot. Jeez. Is there backstory to this, or is legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone just a tad mercurial?
As the models scatter, we are treated to a series of short cuts of legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone walking around the warehouse in a black trench coat and tough-scowling like she’s trying out for Reservoir Dogs.
Hey, for a change, could we get more shots of Kelly looking like she hates everything? Yes! What legendary public relations instincts!
We also get this priceless exchange:
Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone: “How many props did you tell them to get?”
Anneliese: “At the moment, we’ve said that we want it simple. So I really only want one prop in each shot.”
Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone: “I’m not doing math. How many is that?”
Anneliese: “Six.”
Wait, that’s a clue! We’re narrowing down what a legendary (fashion and) PR maven does by eliminating what she does not do. It’s like chipping away at everything that’s not a sculpture until you have a masterpiece.
So what does a legendary PR maven do? Not math. Someone start a tally board, will you?
Louise correctly notes that legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone seems to be kind of awful and rude. Remember how we talked last week about how Louise has the kind of smarts that may not serve her well here? Yeah.
The models say they were given $1,000 and were sent to Universal Studios to pick out props. Because you can just do that. Got a grand? Universal Studios and its props department welcomes you! Just show up at the gates!
We hear a model wondering if a throne is heavy.
Team USA went with “punk love” as its theme, which, fine. AzMarie seems to be on props.
Some of the Brits are getting crowns and chairs, but others are getting flowers. Alisha and Catherine are sending pictures to Annaliese on their product-placed phones, but get no responses. Oh, dear.
Model casting!
Candace and Seymone from Team Yank and Sophie and Ashley (Yay!) from Team UK go to pick male models, and Candace, in her one awesome moment of the entire show, demands that the guys line up, smile, remove their shirts, and smile again.
The Brits, who have been to actual castings, are horrified, but it’s actually kind of great.
Back at the warehouse, legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone lectures AzMarie on luxury, saying it’s not something you can buy.
Legendary PR Mavens do not own dictionaries.
Shoot day!
Oh, Lord, Jay Manuel is here. He tells the models they’re totally in charge. So, wait, why is he there?
AzMarie says their concept is punk and royal, which is… tricky…but everyone says she’s a good leader, which she seems to be. She also wisely reminds everyone on her team that they just got assigned their ridiculous superpowers, and Tyra is going to want to see them in this shoot. Someone’s been researching past seasons. Well played, AzMarie!
Holy cats, each team has just two hours to get their entire shoot done.
Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone gives useless makeup advice: “Sometimes you can have a strong eye and a strong lip.”
Worst. Superhero. Ever.
American Shoot!
Candace poses with a guy who is wearing no shirt and a mountain lion over his shoulder. Is it meant to be Punk? Luxury? Love? Whatever. It’s fine. The girls bag on Candace because she only ever makes Sternface, and Jay directs her. Will someone on this show please define “in charge?”
Jay tells Candace not to be such a lump. Also the Americans are hampered by the fact that none of them seems to know what punk rock is.
Alisha says that punk rock is “I don’t give a… you know,” and points out that the Americans are just looking confused. Alisha is correct. Seymone, for example, is next up, and she is so not getting it.
Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone says she knows all about punk because she has represented all those punk brands. Let’s examine that statement. Punk… brands. Punk… public relations representative.
A legendary Public Relations Maven does not know what punk rock means.
Kyle tries to be punk “Next-Doorsia” and is a little flat. Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone tells her not to look on drugs or dead. I repeat: A legendary Public Relations Maven does not know what punk rock means.
Kyle does this odd jumping thing where she bends her legs to the sides, but registers no change whatsoever on her face. Laura seems to get the punk rock attitude, at least, and is helped by a leather jacket and a metallic necklace. Go, Team LezBiModel!
Eboni wears a crown and cane and goes sexy and legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone makes a sour face.
Team Leader AzMarie jumps into her shoot with only 8 minutes left to go and rocks it. Even Jay loves it. Team LezBiModel is on fire this week!
Brit Shoot!
Anneliese isn’t sure what to do, ever. Everyone comes to Louise as if she is the leader because, let’s face it, when she realizes who she is, Louise will rule the universe. That will be another thing she’s f–king good at. To get things moving for Team Brit, Louise quietly takes over. As she will do for all of Britain one day.
Ashley goes in to shoot and Jay is bored with just Ashley with flowers and a bare wall and wants, in a not-at-all-contrived way, for a strong leader to make a decision and change it.
Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone hates the flowers and she haaaaates the Brits. Or maybe just Annaliese? Who peed in legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone’s Weetabix this morning?
Jay calls Ashley in to discuss, since she seems lost, and the Brits don’t seem to have a clear vision. (Um, nor did the Americans? Are we allowed to bring that up? Fine.)
Jay says something is lacking with just the brick wall, so Anneliese nervously wonders if they should put the chair in the shot. Oh, dear.
Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone says Anneliese is a nervous wreck. Man, does she smell blood in the water. She hates it that Anneliese is so unfocused and undefined and also that there are molecules in the air and gravity is annoying.
What is it you do again, Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone? Just asking.
The chair seems to make everything better. Ashley poses again in what seem to be shoes that are several sizes too large. The hell?
Sophie is adorable, and with 40 minutes left, Anneliese is dithering over whether to switch up the shoot or not.
Alisha has a hard time acting like she’s in love, but the photographer likes it. Also it will have no bearing on her final photo.
Catherine seems to do fine.
Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone tells Annaliese to drop the rose she’s holding, apparently just to screw with her head. Jay piles on and says he’s not buying what Annaliese is selling. After two days of getting questioned and eye-rolled, Annaliese is somehow losing her confidence. How could that be?
Louise, who you will recall was quietly taking over on the decision-making front, runs to get into place for her shoot and Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone suddenly has a new shiny object to hate. She tells Louise not to run on set and to “watch her energy.”
Watch it, Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone. One day soon Louise will come into her own and she and her armies will roll across you like a sour-faced gnat who has no clear job description.
Lord, there is more legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone. Apparently a PR Maven does pointlessly bitch about everything in all creation.
Poor Louise is trying to get her makeup done and weirdo legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone is still hovering over her, crouched like Wormtongue, and telling Louise, who is now sitting still, not to run around. Ma’am, remember those 36,000 times when you said you wanted a strong leader? Louise is trying to be one and she is busy.
Legendary PR Maven and perpetual bitch machine Kelly Cutrone says that Louise has one of the worst attitudes she’s ever seen. And then lightning strikes her and she is turned into charred, hypocritical dust.
Louise jumps into her shoot with only two minutes left. She’s upset, but she pushes thought the anger and rocks it. Louise is so happy it’s over that she cries.
The models have to pick one photo for each person by themselves, which certainly will not backfire at all.
Panel!
Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone can’t even smile when she’s introduced. The guest judge is Cat Deeley, from So You Think You Can Dance, because OK, why not?
Annaliese says she wasn’t a good leader, but is smart enough to compliment her team. After all those twisted bullying head games, legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone says she respects Annaliese for taking a leap. Tyra says she’s too catalogue. Burn.
Sophie looks cool, like she’s about to fall over. More Sophie!
Catherine looks appealingly sinuous. Nigel says she can also be a chameleon, and says, “I guess that’s what ‘Era-Descent’ is.” I hope you got a bonus check for that, Nigel.
Ashley has a cool shot, but is dinged for, and I quote, “posing for the camera.” Fine. Next week, pose for the fire hydrant.
Alisha was told that she had super legs as her power, but chose a shot in which her legs are cropped, and gets dinged. (See? AzMarie was right.)
The judges sense weakness and pile in with stuff like “the coat is wearing you, you’re not wearing the coat” and on and on until poor Alisha starts to cry. Bonus checks all around for the judges! Someone points out that the problem may be Alisha’s photo-picking ability. Why, yes, it might. How often do real Top Models select their own photos again? Oh, that’s right, NEVER.
Louise is up! She looks fantastic and tough in her photo. I don’t know why they put her in the one spot where she looks like she’s wearing a hilarious Royal Wedding hat, but OK.
Nigel says Louise looks mean. Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone checks in with “I think you need to put some gratitude in your attitude, girl.”
A legendary PR Maven does not think of anything original to say.
Oh, no! Louise is getting the Bad Attitude label. Stay strong, Louise!
Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone says Louise was very condescending and rude, which could only be true if the ANTM editors cut out the juiciest parts, and we all know they get docked for cutting fights.
Louise is not Miss Manners — far from it — but “condescending and rude” is a pretty close to being a bald-faced lie, legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone. And you seem to have omitted the part where you randomly started it. Louise was just trying to deal with a difficult shoot and suddenly had Gollum’s sourfaced sister trying to cling to her shoulder and rasp pointless insults into her ear.
Louise cuts off legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone and says “No, no, no, no. You were rude to me.” Oh, no! That is the exact truth, Louise, but you are not allowed to say such things!
Legendary PR Maven Kelly Cutrone, in the face of complete accuracy, says, “I’m done talking to you.” Ah, cutting off conversation. The timeless refuge of outmatched blowhards.
A legendary PR Maven does not think of good arguments or admit it when she’s been a crampface for two solid days.
Tyra steps in to drop some science: “You are a model. This is a publicist. Do you understand? There is a rank.”
She says “a publicist” with the same tone of outraged honor that one might use if her statement instead included the phrase ” a United States Senator” or “a Nobel Prize—winning physicist” or “Mahatma Gandhi.”
Louise breaks under all this ridiculousness and starts crying. She wants to go home. Oh, no!
Outside, we get one last bit of magic from Louise as she shouts, “This is bollocks!” Were truer words ever spoken?
Louise feels like she’s losing herself and decides to go home.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Back at panel!
Tyra gives the remaining models a stern lecture: “On America’s Next Top Model, we like to think that our criticism is constructive.” Please note that “like to think” is not the same as “actually believe.” I think Tyra’s statement was vetted by their legal department.
We still have yanks to critique!
AzMarie tocked it. They like her photo and her leadership.
The judges say Kyle looks great. And Tyra specifically compliments her jumping while keeping her Buster Keaton stoneface, so shut my mouth about that.
When Seymone comes up, Tyra says “fiercely real” to mean “plus size” again. I’m sorry — did we just drive someone to tears and off the continent because a model was being condescending, or was that a different show?
The judges don’t like Seymone’s shot. She looks too sexy and mature, and simultaneously not comfortable with her own body. Well, that’s fiercely useful.
Laura is kicking, literally and figuratively. Yay, Team LezBiModel!
Eboni is not conforming to the little the box they put her in, so it doesn’t matter that her photo is kind of great.
Candace disappoints everyone. And the Lion leaps off the male model’s shoulder to go be Louise’s mount for when she rides across Canada in the first stage of her conquest. (Simmer down, Canada. You know you love her too.)
Blah blah blah judges blah. They drove away Louise and now they are dead to me.
The judges lie and say that they would have complimented Louise’s photo if she they had stayed. They will be first against the wall when she returns, no question.
Best Photo: AzMarie! Team LezBiModel is cleaning up!
Runner up: Sophie!
We narrow the rest down to Candace, Eboni, Alisha, and Ashley. Tyra only has one photo left that was deemed worthy of the product-placed website, and it was… Louise!
Wise, productplacedwebsite.com. Louise may spare you and allow you to work in the mines.
But wait, that means four girls who were not deemed worthy of the website are left. Who will leave?
This week’s obsolete model:
Nobody! All four get to stay, because they were docile and took ridiculous critiques, unlike certain models we could name.
Louise, when you turn 30 and start your galactic conquest, you might need a freelance writer. Call me! I’ll happily do press releases or speeches or any job you want!
Well, anything but legendary PR Maven.
Eleven models remain! See you next week!
