Previously, all the Liars’ significant others were in Out Of Town because nearly all the Liars’ parents were home from Out Of Town, and this show’s supporting cast is way too huge for them to be able to budget everyone for every episode. So, it was — Ezra: New Orleans. Caleb: Montecito. Maya: Murdered and/or San Francisco. Alternately: Time-Traveling Wizard Vigilante. Toby Radley: Ninth circle of hell, apparently.
The Liars have a seat and a cup of coffee in an outdoor cafe so they can do their weekly expositing of the things that happened between last week’s cliffhanger and this we — Aria Gaultier Montgomery, are you seriously still wearing the dead girl’s coat? Take that thing off this instant! It’s like I think you’ve reached the tippy-top of fashion lunacy when you string an ice troll eyeball around your neck and call it a pendant, but no. Now this. The Lord.
Anyway, Duncan from last week is actually Duncan from last year. Or year before last year. I’m still a little confused about the timeline of this show. Which happens when the space-time continuum is constantly being ripped in half, I suppose. He met Vivian Darkbloom in a bookstore in Brookhaven and then he moved to Florida. Aria’s going to meet him in the courtyard at Rosewood High a little later on, a move the Liars deem “safe,” because if there’s one thing these girls know a lot about, it’s being “safe.”
Speaking of ice trolls, though, a chauffeured town car pulls up to the square and out strolls JennaBot and our baby Boo with a brand new haircut and a scowl like from the days when he was murdering Emily in the chemistry lab. The Liars are like, “Oh, man. She got some new eyeballs, didn’t she?”
Morning at Marin Mansion. Ashley and Hanna are fighting about why her mom won’t just go on down to the Verizon store and sleep with whatever clerk to procure Hanna a new iPhone. Ashley’s like, “I’m not opposed to doing that, Hanna, but first you need to tell me who it is that keeps killing you and all your friends.” Hanna tosses her diamond earrings in the blender and shoves her laptop in the dishwasher and smashes all the cash in her pockets into the garbage disposal and dumps a whole bottle of that elven-tear face moisturiser into a baking dish and crams it into the oven at 450 degrees. Then she storms out shouting, “So there!” Ashley just shakes her head and asks if Emily will let Hanna borrow her phone if she gets run over today, like usual.
You know why Hanna doesn’t have to worry about destroying her possessions? Because Mona Vanderwaal has got it handled. She’s already got Hanna a phone, conveniently billed to her own personal account, so that: a) She can monitor Hanna’s every call via parental notifications. b) She can monitor Hanna’s every move via GPS. And c) She can speak to Hanna at all hours of the day and night about nail polish, extortion, etc. What’s even better is that the Liars line up and hold out their hands while she doles out antibacterial hand gel and shouts commands at them. It’s like:
Theory one: Mona is “A.” After being bullied by Ali and the Liars, Mona decided to use Ali’s death to become the new Ali. Mona and the Liars. It has happened. Just look at them. (Plus: Computer hacking skills, blackmail skills, voice-changing skills, unlimited supply of money for building a lair.)
Emily gets a text from an anonymous number and for once it isn’t a treasure map leading to the decapitated head of her therapist, stuffed in a treasure chest, buried in Spencer’s backyard. It’s Maya. She says she’s safe and not to worry and also not to tell anyone that she texted. Emily sighs and thinks about how dating a werewolf was less dramatic than this.
Spencer spies Toby and tries to have a conversation with him without just bursting into tears, because she misses him so much and he looks hotter than ever and all that work to free himself from the robotic claws of his sister-lover were apparently for naught because he’s marching around like her minion again. He goes, “I can neither confirm nor deny your accusations, but I can tell you this: Jenna got one brand spanking new eyeball installed in her socket sprocket, so you’d better watch out.” JennaBot chooses that moment to smash her way through the door. Her sex appeal barometer rockets to “off the chart,” which can only mean Spencer is in the vicinity. So she hisses, “Sssssspencer.” Mona scampers by and picks Spencer up by the scruff of her neck and carries her off to safety.
Out in the courtyard, Duncan, like, grabs Aria by the neck and lifts her off the ground and goes, “If you really knew Vivian, you knew Vivian’s real name!” And Aria is like, “… Allison?” Duncan drops her back down onto the picnic table and Aria says, “Well, if that upsets you, you’re gonna lose your damn mind over this: Girl is dead.” Duncan rips his clothes and falls to his knees and lets out such a wail. And I just … I mean, you and I both know Rosewood, PA is surrounded by a force-field that keeps all Evil within the city limits, but I’m starting to suspect the force-field also repels media. OK, because when a gorgeous teenage girl goes missing and stays missing and then is found a year later buried in her own backyard? That’s like ’round the clock CNN stuff. And every time one of Ali’s old buddies returns to town, they are shocked — SHOCKED! — to find out she was murdered. And also, Dateline: To Catch a Predator should clearly set up an office in the town square. Maybe Out of Town doesn’t get news from Rosewood and Rosewood doesn’t get news from Out Of Town. Rosewood does have its own newspaper, but that thing is clearly run by Gossip Girl.
Once Duncan gets it together, he goes, “That day you said Alison was murdered? I saw her that day.” And Aria is like, “Of f–king course you did.”