You guys. YOU GUYS! America’s Next Top Model, one of the most magically, groundbreakingly dumb shows of our time, is back on the air, and I, for one, could not be smizing harder about it.
This week’s recap will be a quick one to get you updated on just the awesome you need to know about from the premiere, and then we’ll meet back here on Thursday to really dish about next week’s episode, OK?
The premise of this season is one that probably made Tyra Banks sit straight up in bed and call like 14 friends no matter what time zone they were in when she thought of it. It’s that good. Hold onto your butts.
This cycle, there are seven American contestants and seven British contestants.
I know! Take a moment to settle down if you need it. Have a cuppa or, you know, go see a tractor pull, depending on your country of origin.
A lot of the Brits seem to have already racked up impressive amounts of professional experience, and, in fact, we learned that they’ve already all been on Britain’s Next Top Model. Uh-oh.
It also looks like because of the team-vs-team atmosphere, Tyra and her producers are openly encouraging trash talk and fighting this year instead of just passive-aggresively doing so like most seasons. Holy greased catwalks, I cannot wait.
Also: I’m putting down $10 right now on a poorly conceived shoot based on half-remembered facts about the Revolutionary War. Sucks to be you, model who has to play Benedict Arnold! Oh, God, and I just realized that Tyra might make someone be Benjamin Franklin. Why can’t the whole season be here now?!
The other important thing to know?
There are two lady-loving contestants this season.
I know! This way one has a real shot instead of the thing that usually happens, which is that the “different” model makes it respectably far so no one can accuse anyone of bias, and then she gets dropped like a hot rock.
AzMarie is a smoking hot androgynous lesbian who is going to make the judges say dozens of incredibly awkward things in the first three episodes alone. Good luck suppressing your urge to punch the judges in the face, AzMarie!
Laura is an equally scorching femme bisexual who mentions her tendency to get drunk and subsequently get naked within hours of everyone’s arrival. Both ladies on Team LezBiModel are already flirting up a storm, so we’re looking at an excellent chance that some of our contestants really will learn something this cycle.
I was prepared to stick to only Team LezBiModel for this week, but I am forced to mention that Ashley has such a thick Scottish accent that the producers actually subtitle her and she is freaking adorable. I will try to keep my alliances where they should be, but I am only human.