Right legs and nip slips and Meryl Streep, oh my! The 84th annual Academy Awards telecast was a lot of things. Plagued with inexplicably terrible sound production? Yes. Oddly reminiscent of the ’90s when Billy Crystal first started hosting the Oscars? Yes. Offering sobering, career-questioning realization that professional celebrity lint roller is an actual job. Yes, and is P. Diddy hiring?
Hollywood’s biggest night had a few moments of endearing joy interspersed in more than three hours of movie montages, cheesy banter and folks you’ve probably never heard of having the best day of their lives. But what about the famous people? Oh, they were there, too. And they won stuff. (For a complete list of winners, click here.)
With Crystal hosting for his ninth time, the award show started off fairly gay with the host giving best actor nominee and professional charming guy George Clooney a kiss on the lips and everyone’s favorite faux lesbian Justin Bieber popping up to spark youth interest. But then things got slow fast. Instead of beginning with the customary best supporting actor or actress categories, the awards started up straight with a cinematography award with a winner as bewildered as we were he was first to the podium.
So instead of recapping the night chronologically, let’s give out our own much more interesting awards for most memorable moments from the red carpet and beyond. And while these results weren’t certified by Ernst & Young, they were verified by my friends Daniels & Beam (that’s Jack & Jim, to us friends).
Best Right Leg: Angelina Jolie
I bet Angie figured if Daniel Day-Lewis could win for My Left Foot, she could certainly take home some hardware for My Right Leg. At the very least, it’s a lot hotter.
Best Nip Slip: Jennifer Lopez
Some say it was a shadow, others swear it was a J.Nip. Either way, I think J.Lo’s left areola and Angie’s right leg should get together and make a movie. You’d buy a ticket, admit it.
Best Right Leg Impersonator: Jim Rash
The Community writer picked up a best screenplay trophy for The Descendents, and struck his own fierce right leg pose in front of presenter and originator Jolie.
Best No. 2: Octavia Spencer
Spencer’s poop pie scene beat Melissa McCarthy’s poop sink scene to pick up the Best Supporting Actress honor for her terrific turn in The Help. And while their roles were memorable for their No. 2s, they are both No. 1 in my heart.
Best Twin Syndrome: Meryl Streep
They say dress for the job you want, but Meryl dressed for the award she wanted and scooped up her third award. The Best Actress winner for The Iron Lady was charming as ever acknowledging people’s accustoms at seeing her pick up shiny hardware. “Oh, no! Oh, come on, why? Her – AGAIN!” Yep, her again.
Best Drinking on the Job: Rose Byrne and Melissa McCarthy
The Bridesmaids co-stars brought back the Martin Scorsese Drinking Game with hilarious effect while presenting with their fellow castmates.
Best Lucky Dog: Uggie
Show stealer Uggie hammed it up in front of Bérénice Bejo, Penelope Ann Miller and Missi Pyle – the lovely ladies of Best Picture winner The Artist.
Best Can She Host Next Year: Emma Stone
Funnier in 30 seconds than Crystal was for three hours, the Easy A star got easy laughs presenting with Ben Stiller.
Best Can She Host Next Year, Part II: Tina Fey
Though, in all fairness, I want her to host everything, ever, always in the world – including my next birthday party. Call me, Tina.
And now, on to The Dresses.
Best I Secretly Want to Be the Reverse Image of Batman Dress: Gwyneth Paltrow
And her white-on-white cape.
Best I Secretly Want to Be Sailing Tiny Sailboats on a Pond Dress: Rooney Mara
And her bodice sails.
Best Who Cares About the Dress, Look at Her Arms Dress: Viola Davis
And her other stuff wasn’t so bad, either – ahem.
Best BFF Dresses: Michelle Williams & Busy Phillips
Their dresses are the fashion equivalent of the “Friends Forever” heart lockets.
Best Back that Thing Up Dresses: J.Lo and Cameron Diaz
They did it, I only reported it.
Best I Want to Like This, But I Feel the Top Should be More Fitted Dress: Sandra Bullock
Oh, Sandy, take a little cue from J.Lo and C.Diaz and lead with your assets.
Best Use of a Boring Color to Not Upstage Her Personality Dress: Kristen Wiig
But, seriously, girl, your personality is big enough – how about a little color?
Best Watch Me Wear a Man’s Jacket and Totally Not Look Like a Man Instead Dress: Glenn Close
I believe the correct response here is vavavavoom.
Best OK, Fine, Maybe Models Do Look Really Pretty in Pretty Dresses Dress: Milla Jovovich
Best I Have Nothing Snarky to Say, This Dress is Just Pretty: Jessica Chastain
There you have it. A nowhere-near comprehensive look at the Oscars telecast. But you fell asleep during the broadcast anyway, so trust me – these were the best bits. What were your most memorable moments. And, did you know Angie’s Right Leg has her own Twitter account? Get that thing an agent, stat.