First, let me thank Heather Hogan for taking the bullet for me last week when I wasn’t able to do the recap. I did finally watch the episode, and was able to fast-forward through the matador scene and thus avoid hospitalization, all thanks to her timely intervention. Much appreciated. So much so that this week, I arranged for Santana and Brittany to kiss. No need to thank me.
Now, on to “Heart,” my new favorite Valentine’s Day episode of any show. (Although to be honest, I don’t think my fave shows West Wing, Xena, or Queer as Folk ever did a Valentine’s Day episode. And you know, Cupid was an actual character on Xena. Played by a young, blond Karl Urban. But I digress.)
The Greatest Valentine’s Day teevee show ever opens with a little lovin’ in the choir room, as all the couples cuddle and kiss… including Santana and Brittany, but excluding our boy Kurt, who is sad and sulking because Blaine is apparently still laid up with a lacerated eyeball, thanks to the steaming pile of slithering slime that is Sebastian Smythe.
Will comes in and makes a virtue of necessity by declaring it “Greatest love songs of all time” week. More sad faces from Kurt at that. Really, how could Darren Criss hurt Kurt like that, just to star in a stupid Broadway show?
Anyway, Will says the club needs to raise $250 for hairspray, which is absurd, because Kurt alone needs that much.
“Oh, god, not another bake sale,” Kurt says, but no. Will has decided he’s going to subject his kids to the humiliation of trying to raise the money by serenading their fellow McKinley High students
Fortunately, Sugar Motta puts a stop to that with a wad of cash courtesy of her daddy, the one who donated the purple pianos and brought Shelby back to Lima. Apparently he’s got mobster-like levels of money.
I’m usually not in love with the new characters, since the more people who join the cast, the fewer storylines and songs there are to give to the under-utilized characters I love best, like Brittany and Tina. But there has never been a single moment since Sugar fake-Aspergered her way into the cast that I haven’t been her devoted fan. And this episode is definitely a Sugar showcase.
After Sugar bails out the Glee Club, she tells everyone to look under their chairs for a Valentine. (Artie‘s is in the trash, because his wheelchair kept moving.) Then she invites everyone to her Valentine’s Day party at Breadstix, dubbed “The Sugar Shack” for the evening.
“But you have to bring a date,” she warns. “No single people allowed. They’re sad and boring and they don’t exist in my world.” Which is odd because, as Mercedes points out, Sugar is single.
“Not for long,” she purrs.
Ever since Rachel and Finn made the mind-hurting decision to get married, I’ve been waiting to see what their parents are going to do when they find out. Mr. and Mr. Berry (Jeff Goldblum and Brian Stokes Mitchell) react by showing up in the April Rhodes Auditorium with a piano, serenading the lovebirds with “Goin’ to the Chapel” and showing nothing but support for the idea of their impending teen nuptials.
Hiram scolds LeRoy for his vocal embellishments on their number. “We agreed to sing it straight, no vocal runs. That’s how Jennifer Hudson got kicked off of American Idol.”
“I would love to hear you sing something straight,” LeRoy says.
Rachel asks what her dads are doing there, and Hiram tells her, “A little birdie, named Burt, who owns a tire store, and his little birdie wife who used to wear a lot of denim, told us that you guys were, uh, fixin’ to get hitched. So we thought we would return the favor and surprise you.”
Rachel seems to accept this as actually being possible. Our little dreamer.
Also, Tony Danza appears to be causing some tension in the Berry men’s relationship. It involves ice fishing.