Previously, Emily Fields learned the pretty little truth that nothing takes the sting out of being stalked, murdered, blackmailed, harassed, attacked, and/or hit in the face with a hand grenade like making out with your super hot girlfriend. Jason DiLaurentis stared his way down into the earth’s many layers and fell through the whole world, landing in Australia where he adopted the code name “Bandicoot.” Hanna came clean to Caleb about the various ways blind people have been threatening her/running over her with cars, so he zoomed over to JennaBot’s house ready for some Hobo-to-Cylon combat but couldn’t get past The Gatekeeper. Spencer’s parents either died or moved away or fell into one of those holes Jason burrowed in their back yard when he was burying all the weapons he used to kill Alison — nay, Vivian Darkbloom. And Aria continued to feel all of her happy feelings safely in the arms of the lovingest feeler to ever feel, because “A” still does not know Aria exists.
In the Principal’s office at Rosewood High are Hanna Marin, Ashley Marin, Isabel Randall-Marin, and her horrible daughter Kate Marvalo Riddle. Betwixt them lies the now infamous photo of a naked Kate with a giant thumb protruding from her nipple. Also betwixt them are these unsaid things: [Ashley: My husband cheated on me with you, left me for broke, forced me to rob a bank, kill and old lady and an architect, pity f–k him; then your daughter alcohol-poisoned my daughter.] [Isabel: My fiance cheated on me with you; then your daughter called my daughter some rude things over the intercom at the equestrian club, puked on my wedding dress, busted up my wedding in the middle of the vows, and emailed this entire school a nude photo of my daughter.] [Hanna: I wonder which one of my friends/boyfriends/boyfriends’ boyfriends will die today.] [Kate: Was it foolish to hide my Horcrux inside a living, breathing horse?]
It’s a mess.
The principal is like, “Hanna, usually this level of cyber-bullying/porn distribution would lead to an expulsion, but I’m willing to overlook it if you’ll attend a school assembly built entirely around the ‘Raise your hand if you’ve ever been personally victimized by Regina George’ conceit, wherein Regina Georgia is a the psychotic ghost of your dead best friend, Tina Fey is a retired witch, Cady Heron is an animatronic blind girl, and everyone hates you because you’re so popular.” Hanna’s like, “So you mean attend a regular day of my life? Sure, OK.”
Over at Spencer’s house, the other Liars have laid out the red raincoat they collected from the claim ticket they found inside Alison’s wayward copy of Lolita and are cautiously surveying it like it might be equipped with bombs, because it might be equipped with bombs. Inside one of the pockets, Aria finds a phone number scribbled onto a scrap piece of paper; immediately, Emily and Spencer start shouting at each other about who’s the least scared to make the call. Emily whips out her phone, glared at Spencer, dials the number, and promptly pees her pants when a robot answers. It’s voicemail or JennaBot. Aria snatches the phone away and says, “You know that girl Vivian who looked just like that girl Alison who was murdered a while back? I’m a friend of hers. Want to get some coffee or something? Call me!”
At Rosewood High, a starquake creates the brightest galactic flash in the history of the universe and when it hits the earth, everyone goes blind for several minutes.
Oh, wait. Never mind. Aria has just worked up a new chartreuse belt/boot combo.
(Kudos to this episode’s director, Elodie Keene, who kept giving us these wide-angle shots of Aria, like: “Never forget!”)
Hanna is mad about how “A” is turning that whole phone theft back around on them. Emily is mad because the principal doesn’t want a war criminal like herself on the swim team due to companies not liking to sponsor murderers. Something about “brand image,” or, as Aria likes to cal it, “bullying.” And that makes her mad. Spencer is mad too, but in the sense where “mad” means “mentally insane person.”