“Glee” Episode 311 Recap: Rock Salt and Underboobs

Let me just get this out in the open where everyone can see it: Sebastian sucks. And he can’t sing. And yet, I kind of like that we have a gay villain tormenting our two gay angels and one hot lesbian angel/devil hybrid, because really, when did this show get so many queer people on it that we could afford to let one be pure evil?

Speaking of the Glee Queer Brigade, they opened up this tribute episode with Michael Jackson’s “Wanna Be Starting Somethin’,” which caused a flashback to my youth dancing to a mash-up (only we didn’t call it that then) of this and the original version of “Soul Makossa” at the 181 Club in San Francisco in the early 80s. And no, I wasn’t sneaking in while still in grade school, but it’s sweet of you to think so.

Blaine takes the lead (only fitting for a man who bares his ankles at the slightest provocation) backed up by Santana, Brittany, and Kurt for Team Gay, and Mercedes representing for straight allies. I honestly had this feeling watching them careen rhythmically through the halls of McKinley High that the generation of kids who will have grown up watching Glee are honestly not even going to understand what “homophobia” means. I know that’s not true, but there are moments watching this show I feel like maybe that post-gay, post-racial world will be bearable after all.

They did a good job with the song, even if Brittany and Mike were inexplicably not featured dancing and the rendition lacked both soul and depth, but the cast was clearly in love with the song and having a blast. It was a happy moment that was, alas, not to last.

Because Finn wants to be starting something, too: his engagement to Rachel.

He comes up to her at her locker and says, “Okay, it’s been exactly three days to the minute since I proposed to you which is the amount of time you said you needed before you’d give me an answer.” Pressure much, Finn?

Rachel tells him, “Look, this isn’t the kind of decision you can make on a deadline,” which bums Finn out.

“No, look,” Rachel tells him. “I love you, okay? I want marry you – someday. Really I’m open to anything. This is all just happening so fast, and I don’t understand it. I mean, I need you to help me understand.”

Stick with that, Rachel. Because it’s absurd and wrong and makes no sense at all. Because Finn says that even if she doesn’t get into NYADA she’s still going to New York and he’s going with her, so in what universe does it make sense that they have to get married? Finn’s reason is something incomprehensible about taking “a piece of our little world into the big city,” and I don’t even know what that means.

Anyway, he gives Rachel two more days to make up her mind, mostly because he thinks she’s going to turn him down. I can’t cope with this storyline. I get we’re supposed to be seeing Rachel have a crisis of confidence, but I liked it better when it was over that chick from “The Glee Project” being a better singer than she is (which she isn’t, by the way).

The gang is hanging out at the Lima Bean, reminiscing about their first Michael Jackson moments.

“When I was one,” Artie begins, “my mom showed me the VHS tape of his Motown special, and when he did the moonwalk across the stage for the first time in history, I uttered my first words: ‘Hot damn.’”

Next up is our boy Kurt. “I owe the king of pop a deep debt of gratitude. He was the first one to pull off the sequined military jacket, long before one Kurt Hummel made it iconic.”

Rachel confesses Barbra Streisand and the two Stephens (Sondheim and Schwartz) are more her speed, leaving Kurt stunned. “Rachel, he was best friends with Liza Minnelli and Liz Taylor.”

Santana agrees in her own way, saying, “I’d throw this mocha in your face, but it’s not nearly scalding enough.”

Whether it was Kurt invoking Liz and Liza or Santana’s threat, Rachel capitulates. “Okay, since you guys are so jazzed about him, I think it’s a good idea for Regionals.”

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